Skids crying wolf
This is my first time learning about disengaging and I feel like I need to do it. I’m not married but I have been with my BF for three years and living with him for two. His kids live with us full time because their mom, who is an alcoholic, doesn’t really care much about them. They are now 10 (girl) and 11 (boy). They went to visit their mom, who lives three hours away, for New Year’s break and decided that they didn’t want to come home (at last minute). So, the night before they were due to come back, they lied to their mother and said that I hit them. I have NEVER touched them, or ever hurt them intentionally.
Up until now, I was the only disciplinarian, telling them to do their chores correctly and taking away electronics while their father was working at home. I may have yelled but I never hurt them or degraded them. Their mom called cursing me out, and told my bf that she would keep them until there was a restraining order against me because of my "abusiveness". The next business day, Monday, their mom said that she could not place a restraining order against me and told my bf to do it. She wanted me away from her kids for at least 90 days. My city wouldn’t let my bf file one against me (and yes, he did try to please her) and their mother dropped it because she has no transportation or money. Suddenly it didn’t seem to matter to her. Despite them having school, they stayed with their mom an extra week. (they got what they wanted) The whole time all this was happening, I had just had his baby on Dec. 29!!
Fast forward to last week when we decided they should go talk to the school counselor, the girl didn’t want to go and when she was done a classmate asked her where she had been, and she yelled at them saying, “I had to go talk to the counselor because I am being abused!” She thinks doing her chores is abuse. Now every time the girl doesn’t get her way, she says she wants to go live with her mother. Since they have come home, I have been secluding myself with the baby in my bedroom. I’m terrified of what his kids will say about me and what might happen. I almost left their father over all this, I can’t handle the stress with this, the new baby, and my own custody problems with my other birth child. What do I do? I will never trust them again and I honestly am scared of them now. I don't even want them around the baby. They did something like this back in August saying that they were scared of me bc I yell but I was seeing a counselor and after finding out that I was pregnant their mom said that made sense and dropped it. Taking away electronics was my only form of discipline but now I just stay in my room and let their dad handle them.
I am so sorry you are having
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this and congratuations on the birth of your baby- maybe you have a bit of post partum depression but I understand how patronising that sounds when all this crap has landed in your lap.
The main issue here is that you are dealing with something you should not have to deal with- you say you are the only disciplinarian- stop being that thing!
This unfortunate young woman seems to have no one that really cares about her except you- but you have a small baby to care for.
I would suggest to DH that she is the one who spends time in her room because it is your home- you shouldn't be in a prison like this with your baby.
Yelling is not a good idea either and rarely gets results, as you have seen.
Your DH is the whole and entire problem here- these are his kids and he needs to sort them out- otherwise your life will be like this for years...
Your BF tried to file a
Your BF tried to file a restraining order against you? That would be it for me; I would take my baby and leave. False claims of abuse are a serious matter. Especially when BOTH of the kids' parents are not backing you up. Just get out of the situation before you find yourself in really hot water.
Right?! I would be out the
Right?! I would be out the freaking door so damn fast. You are going to stay? WHY?!
Yes, I'm with ndc. Him
Yes, I'm with ndc. Him trying to file a restraining order for false charges of abuse BECAUSE BM WANTED HIM TO, would be a deal breaker for me. And then he expects you to just keep on being the primary parent?
The skids aren't the problem, he is. They are only using the power that BOTH of their parents are handing them. And you can't trust him to have your back when they make false allegations.
Please rethink this relationship, there is something very wrong here.
Leave. Now. This is so stupid
Leave. Now. This is so stupid. I can't believe that you would continue to live with a man who tried to file a restraining order against you after you had his child.
Nope. Nope. Nope. I hope you have family out of state and far away that you can move to.
My city wouldn’t let my bf
My city wouldn’t let my bf file one against me (and yes, he did try to please her)
I didn't even read past this line ^^^ WTF? I think that tells you where you stand.
He's a dangerous person to be
He's a dangerous person to be involved with. Protect yourself and baby. He could ruin your life.
He's a dangerous person to be
He's a dangerous person to be involved with. Protect yourself and baby. He could ruin your life.
RO against you?
What would it do? Force you to move out? This is crazy. Of course, that could impact custody issues with your baby and your older kid. ARE you alone with stepkids? Who does dad think will take care of them.
If one or both of your stepchild reports abuse to a guidance counselor, the GC is a mandatory reporter. Now some GCs will be smart enough to ask, what do you mean by abuse? it is a thin line between yelling at kid to clean up room, and emotional abuse.
ETA -- you are "trying" to get cusotdy of your own kid? This will make it virtually impossible.
You can't live like this.
You can't live like this. No one should have to. When the father of your new baby attempted to file a restraining order against you at the behest of the BM of his elder two spawn that should have told you exactly what you needed to do. So, file for CS, move home to your parents and re-start your life. Get yourself and your new baby as far from this shallow and polluted gene pool as you can and do what you have to do to protect your child from that part of it's family.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
He came home for lunch and I
He came home for lunch and I told him that I don't feel safe here and he got angry with me for "wanting to leave" and I never said that.
When I mentioned the counselor, he said that they already went. So I said once isn't enough. Then he said he would schedule it but that maybe if I would say positive things about them, instead of always telling them to pick up their stuff, things would be better. So I said, "so it's all my fault that they said what they did." he said, "no quit putting words in my mouth." but isn't that the same thing? And he says if my biokid (who is only 5) did this to him, he would be more forgiving and positive because we have been through so much together. He also said that it wasn't a restraining order it was a police report and why am I bringing it up again.
I have Major Depression Disorder and he probably thinks that this is just one of my "episodes". I have no job or income or even a bank account. I've been in an abusive relationship before and until now I never thought that this is one...
It's time to leave. Do you
It's time to leave. Do you have any family or friends you can go to? You can file for CS from your boyfriend and also file for government assistance. Do you get child support from the father of your older child? Do you have a joint bank account with your boyfriend or at the moment are you completely at his mercy financially? What did you do for income before you moved in with him?
Face the facts
If your SO tried to file a restraining order against you. You have no skin in his life and have but move out. He put his BM feelings above you. This will never change. I would say it’s only going to get worst, but I can not see how. Move out and start a new life now. “ This is the first day of the rest of your life “ I feel bad for you, sorry
A police report is worse than a restraining order
He told you it was "just a police report" - so did he file it? The supposed abuse happened when the kids were with you, so he should have been able to make a report. He is not being straight with you about this. Doesn't really matter, he tried to make a false report about you to please BM.
Do what you need to do to get out of the situation now. Immediately file for child support and temporary alimony. Do you have family? Go home, go to a friend, call a local woman's shelter.
Your profile says you are
Your profile says you are going to college to be a teacher.... you do realize false allegations of child abuse could destroy your career before it even starts, right?
You MUST get out of this HORRIBLE situation.
In my state even if the
In my state even if the allegation is proved false, you still need to list it for 3 years.