It is perfectly ok to not want to be a parent; particularly to someone elses children.

It is going to be AT LEAST 13 years before the house is kid free again. And with mom walking out, not much time without them. 

You are not going to be happy living with kids... maybe you could try living separate, but I can't imagine he will be able to come over alone much. 

I think it's probably going to be best to just break it off and move on to find someone without children. 

If I felt that strongly about not wanting to live with kids ever.  You have every right to feel this way, but it should be a deal-breaker before any relationship gets off the ground.  I like kids a lot and I wouldn't date a man with young kids!  Been there, done that.

I do have one question: what is your definition of a "good dad"?  Cause agreeing to leave his kids with an unstable BM with no money and many psychological issues, and see them for a couple days every 3 weeks so he can go out and have a good time on a moment's notice doesn't do it for me.  You're correct, they are not your responsibility and you should be free to do whatever you like.  When you are a parent, you largely give up that lifestyle. You can do all those things in #3, just not with him.  You can certainly hike with kids, you just don't want to.  That's OK! But you 2 are not a match.  

You laid out the situation so clearly & with such great self-awareness:  " ...the problem is that he has an obligation, and I have a choice."

Separate households are the only thing that I can think of to suggest.  BF gets a place with enough bedrooms in a good school district & settles into being a full-time father.  You keep your quiet space.   You two can keep dating and enjoy the best parts of your relationship.  That may be enough for you.

Or, you can thank BF for sharing the years with you, and let him go to explore his next adventure. 

Good luck.

Instead of rushing to break things off, why not try your relationship living seperate?  He can care for his kids and you can have your child-free space. You can choose when and where you want to see the kids. He can pay for a babysitter when he wants to go out with you. Of course, you will have to adjust to spending more time without him, but it would be much better than feeling uncomfortable in your own home. I am very introverted like you and my DH's daughter moved in with us full-time. I am counting down the days until she ages out. Not because she is a bad kid, but because it is hard feeling like I can't be myself in my own home. Luckily, I only have a few years left. 

If it doesn't work out, then you'll know that it had to end. Don't force this life on yourself because it is often lonely and can cause resentmemt. Plus, its not fair to your bf, his kids or you.

You know what you want and have expressed that pretty directly in your post

I think you need to tell yout boyfriend these things so you can see where you stand.

Children and you deserve to be loved and respected. 

Living apart but having a relationship might work for you. There are several posters here who seem pretty happy with this arrangement.

Skids had massive bust up with crazy BM and landed on our doorstep. We went from every other weekend visits (which I found hard enough) to having them live with us full time. This was something I never, ever bargained for but yet it happened to me. My reality now used to be something unimaginable and one that I never thought could happen....Then it DID.

As others have said, you sound remarkably self-aware, it also sounds like you have a great life with the freedom to see friends, eat out and socialise completely unencumbered. Once they move in with you and BF, your life as you currently know it is over.

Your comment about SD leaving her jewellery on the table really struck a chord with me. I feel totally the same way when I see the skids crap lying around. It is like nails on a chalkboard when I sit and have breakfast with them, hear their voices, listen to the rubbish they speak about, go out to a restaurant with them and have to make inane small talk when it used to be just DH and I, SD's face that looks so like her disgusting mothers, their total selfishness and how everything is always, always about them, the fact that they give us no private time or space whatsoever no matter how many times I ask, the way SS17 slurps water or any form of liquid.....

The list goes on and unfortunately I have no good news or upside for you. I find living with them completely unbearable. Having them in my private space is unbearable. The impact on your relationship (as others will tell you on StepTalk) is profound. Your comment about your sex life also struck a chord with me. SD16's bedroom is right next to ours. How could I possibly have sex with DH when she is literally 2 metres away??!!

I am so sorry but it doesn't get better and if they move in you will go up in smoke like I have.

The core of your post is that you didn't sign up to be a full time stepmom. The contract has changed so if what you want is permission to cancel the contract, you have that permission. Don't feel bad about it. You gave it a good try and things just didn't work out. You will have to grieve the loss of the relationship which will take some time. Giving yourself permission to end the relationship is the first step. There may be days when you want to go back to the situation, and times when you feel regret, you may ask what-if. But deep in your heart, you know that being with a man who has his kids full time is not something you want for yourself. Allow yourself to let go dear. Take care and stay strong. I'm glad you are choosing you.

Has nothing to do with you.  He has his kids and everything has change.  The life with him before, going away, sex, fun. Has ended.  People with kids don’t have clean houses,  You know life with him had ended, you do not want to deal with his kids and there no way of doing that if the kids live in your home.  If you stay you will never forgive yourself, it will always be three against one.    Time for him to leave. 

I am one crazy BM breakdown away from being in your exact situation. BM has threatened it! A few months ago she called my BF and said she couldn't take the kids anymore, wanted him to file for full custody and she wouldn't fight it...I almost had a heart attack. I was sick to my stomach. When we started dating it was 50/50 custody, but it has sinced increased so BF has majority. We have them for 10 days at a time during the school year. It's a lot. The thought of having them full-time is unbearable. Luckily, BM was just being crazy and wanted my BF to tell the kids she didn't want them (which he did), so she could then tell them that he was lying and trying to take them away from her. The crazy knows no end.

Anyway. I am verrryy similar to you. I like my quiet and space. Prior to meeting my BF, I lived alone for over 10yrs. I like to do things when I want to do them. I like to travel when I want and can usually convince BF to come with. I like a somewhat clean house, and when they leave their sh*t around, it drives me nuts. I had to tell SD9 the other night that it literally drives me insane every time I see her crap on the kitchen counter. Every. SINGLE. DAY. I don't want kids. BF's kids are good, and SS12 mostly is in his room playing video games, so it's like having 1/3 of a kid. We get along, they like me.

That being said. It doesn't get easier. And I have it much easier than most on this site. Lots have heathen skids and hate them. I got lucky. But still, I go to the bathroom and all of a sudden a skid has to go at that exact moment. They sneak and eat snacks at night, after telling them no snacks after dinner/dessert. I buy the damn groceries! SD9 hangs on BF all the time and follows him around. There will be a million more things that you probably haven't even considered, (in addition to those that you already have), that will come up and make you want to tear your hair out or pray for death.

The only positive thing I can say is that SD12 is of babysitting age. Enroll her in a babysitting class, stat! Don't take those kids grocery shopping! I don't. No one needs that added stress. Also, if i want to go somewhere without BF cause he has the kids, I go. It sucks that we're not doing it together, but it's necessary to stay sane. I go on trips with my friends w/out him.

You WILL disagree on his parenting. It adds a whole new element. Most of our fights are because of skids. In fact, we are kind of at a crossroads, and I'm not sure which way it will go- stay together or me moving out. But, 80% of our issues start with skids. I hate it, and think how nice it would be to not have to deal with it anymore, even though I care about skids.

I would agree with everyone else and say you will not be happy with them living there, but here's the consideration: Most guys that are single have kids. From my experience of being single 10yrs, there are not just a ton of single guys out there w/out kids that you can actually connect with. I'm 41, so if you're a lot younger that may not be the case for you. It would be a shame to break up with him, just to find yourself in a dating pool with guys that also have kids. Here's what I suggest:

A) You could always try it for a bit and see what you think, going in with the attitude that you are going to do things for yourself when you need to. Make SD12 babysit sometimes, and immediately set rules about picking up after themselves and boundaries! Doesn't mean it will always work.

Get your own place, like everyone else said. Either way, I feel this is a good option. It gives you space, you still get to see BF, and if it doesn't work...then you at least tried.

C) Move on.

I can't even imagine if this happened to me, so I feel just sick for you. Let us know what you decide, and good luck!

You describe yourself so clearly, except for admitting that you are a childfree person. And that is of huge importance when choosing a partner. So much flows from that one choice.

Childfree people exist on a spectrum. They range from those who can't stand children whatsoever, to those who love them but don't wish to become a parent. Based on how you've described yourself living with children isn't for you, yet here you are, living a life that makes you miserable because you made the mistake of dating a man who has children. 

At the most basic level, the two of you are not compatible. He is a parent, with children who need him and all of the responsibilities that go along with that choice. You are a childfree person who needs peace, simplicity, and time alone. For a time you were able to make things work, but things have changed and the paradigm no longer works for you. It's time to move on. Do it for yourself, but also do it for this man and his kids.

I am exactly like you - ie mildly OCD, introverted and anti social, need a lot of time on own with partner to recharge. I don't think I would have been able to cope with the SDs full time, and I don't think you will.  Time to formulate Plan B, I think.  

This is basically my worst nightmare. Like you, I'm quite the introvert, and it has been hard enough for me since my husband was awarded 50/50 custody one year ago. Before that, he would see his son mostly while I was at work. That was bad enough because knowing the kid was allowed in my house, and especially in our bedroom, while I wasn't there, felt violating. He would post pictures on social media of his son sitting where I sleep and eating a sandwich, watching cartoons on our bedroom TV, and tag me in them, even after I told him I found it distressing to even know that his son was in our room. I even found a chewed up apple under my pillow once! It was bad. But I could manage, because when I would come home, his son would either already be gone, or be about to go, and we always had our nights and our weekends, so it was fine. Then 50/50 happened and it all went to pot.

The difference is that I do have kids, but when you raise your kids yourself, which nobody gets to do with stepkids, you raise them your way. My kids knew my bedroom was sacred. They were never to go in there. That was my space. They knew I needed quiet. They would play loudly only outside, never inside. They eat the things I eat, never the "kid food" of chicken nuggets, hot dogs, and fried potato that so many people serve kids here. My kids are not perfect, and I am not saying they are, but I raised them to conduct themselves in a way that does not make my life awful.

My stepson is the worst. He is the loudest child I ever met. He has been taught to barge into his mother's bedroom anytime he wants, and my husband would not keep him out of ours. He comes in whenever he feels like it. "I won't be shut off from my son. Your petty wants are not important. I NEED my son to have 24/7 access to me." he said as I was having a panic attack over his son barging into our room constantly. This kid eats a total of three foods, all junk, and is of course always sick. He's chubby and sallow, as you expect of a kid who eats only fats and starches. He is the most unpleasant human being I have ever encountered. And he lives in my home 50% of the time.

My husband wishes for his ex-wife to die so he can have full custody. I pray every day to every saint I can think of for that wretched woman's health and for her to overcome the odds (she has much family history of death at approximately the age she is now, and had a few cancer scares this past couple years) because if my husband becomes sole custodian of that kid, I cannot handle it.

With that in mind, the others have given you good advice. This is a situation many of us fear from the start, and it's hard that you are going through it now. I understand how much you need your own space. My biggest mistake was not walking away when I learned that my need for this would never be respected. Just know that you are important and you have to do what is right for you first, and if you cannot live like this, you should not.

That lifestyle changes for everyone who decides to become a parent.  It is perfectly acceptable to not want to go down that path.  I would either live separately and date or end things.  

It’s time to move on. The kids will not always be polite and you have at least 13 years left. I’m sorry, but honestly, even with normal EOW visits you’d probaby be unhappy.