Rough Morning
I do not even know where to begin or what to do. I am in a hell of a mood and it is because of dealing with SS9. I know many will say let SO deal but that is not how we role in our home. We both deal with stuff with SS and both parent him equal. That is the arrangement we have and it works for us.
Anyway, I posted early this week about the in-laws and I ready for them to go home. I really am at this point. Because SS has been such a pain to deal with it is not even funny. His brain and mind has been completely off in lala land and not at all focused. I know some of this is typical behavior and end of the school year stuff. SO and I know this kid and it is never this bad. Honestly really not this bad ever.
I knew them coming up during the school year was going to be a struggle and not easy at all. I knew them being here was going to distract from our day to day a little bit. Not a ton and yes we have control over but I knew it would still be an issue. Just SS knowing that they are here gets him all excited.
This may seem out there and far fetched but it has been like the moment SS knew they were here he reverted back to all his old behaviors and old ways. Acting entitled, being bratty, and just flat out a spoiled brat. SO and I worked so hard this past year to break so many of those bad behaviors and we have been doing a really good job. The moment they were around more it was like the kid from a year ago but with way more attitude.
SO and I are getting on him like everyday almost because he is just not with it. The attitude is way worse, the whole not doing school work when it is suppose to be done that is new, rushing through all his stuff (we were making so much headway with this and he is right back to where he was).
I am just tired and at the end of my patience. How do you kindly tell you IL's that visiting during the school year is a major distraction and not a good idea? We kinda told them this when they asked when they should come up but the ignored us. Trust me when I say our routine has not really changed, they did not stay with us so we stuck to what we needed to do first and what had already been planned. We fit them in when we could and it is mostly every weekend and they come to his baseball games during the week. Do you think next time they come up for a long period of time, will be in October around the wedding, but the next time after that especially when it is towards the end of the school year, I can simply say, last time you were up by no fault of your own it was distracting for SS and made things very difficult. You need to come up when his only has like a week left in school and into the summer vacation. He is a kid and just the idea of you being here just gets him excited and distracts him. Yes I know we need to work with SS on this. Honestly who the hell knew them just being a half hour away would make him revert back to all his all habits so quickly.
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You cannot tell your ILs when
You cannot tell your ILs when to visit. All you can do is use their visit to incentivize SS. You know the ILs bring out or at least tolerate this behavior, so tell SS no visiting them if he isn't behaving.
Right now, he is getting what he wants: attention. Every weekend and at every ball game they go to, he gets their undivided attention. You and SO won't take that away, and he knows he can behave when they leave and there will be no lasting punishment. He'll give up his iPad for a whole month if it means he gets to be the center of someone's universe - THAT is his currency. It's your MIL and SIL's currency, too (or, more specifically, putting SS in the center of their universes).
Also, clearly your "we work as a team" plan is NOT working because you are coming here and showing us it isn't. So, I'm going to jump on the "let SO handle it" bandwagon because all you're doing is driving yourself crazy and you SHOULDN'T have to deal with that. You are not SS's mother. He knows that, and right now, he is using that against you. Take your ball and go home - stop playing his silly game. When he has only SO to deal with - and I'll assume a far more pissy SO since you are taking a step back because SS is behaving like a heathen - he'll realize that pushing you to disengage only hurts him worse.
I know I can not tell them
I know I can not tell them when to visit, we suggested to them before they ignored. I know they will continue to do that. Yeah you are SO and I both should say you don't act better no time with the g-parents. I worry about that because I worry that I will be seen as this controlling super freak SM that wants to cut everyone out. I don't. But damn I had no idea just them being here would do all this, surprise to me.
The team thing usually works and it does in our home. I sit back and let SO deal with things plenty. I just get the brunt of the morning because SO is already gone he gets it when he pick SS up. SS does understand in our home if I am pissed, sure as hell SO will be pissed. If SS treated me differently than he did his dad, I would agree with the whole I am not his mom things. He does the same stuff to his dad and he gets on him and punishes him too. SO deals with his bad attitude more than I do lately. His attitude has just been so bad.
It is little things too. He is showing off more, being way more disruptive when adults are talking, it is everything. When he does those little things SO gets on him more than I do.
Thanks for the advice it is just hard to use the g-parents as a punishment. I know we have taken away going to his Aunt's before for bad behavior, even time with my parents. It is just harder with family who usually is not around. I guess SO and I both need be strong.
It isn't using the
It isn't using the grandparents as punishment. It is using them as incentive. Never frame it as "if you don't behave, you won't get to see grandma". Frame it as, "if you turn in your homework all week, we'll spend Saturday and Sunday with your grandparents; otherwise, we'll stay home all weekend." That makes something fun the reward.
With that, yes, you'll look like the evil SM if you say this. I am not saying fully disengage forever from SS, but because you aren't his mom or legally his SM yet, these things HAVE to come from Dad to save you. If SS misbehaves for you in the morning, then SO can wake him up when he gets up, get him ready for school, feed him, and leave him to read until you take him in. Your SS knows how to push each of your buttons, but if your SO gets a full load of it in the morning AND afternoon, his dad brain may kick in with a better form of discipline. It will grow his dad muscles to have to do it all.
What you want to do, what society tells you that you should do, and what works are going to be very different things. Right now, you need to do something that works, and your involvement isn't it.
I get what you are saying. I
I get what you are saying. I do and I would love to use the g-parents as an incentive. It is a tough balance right now, with them not being here all the time and only here for like 4 weekends. He is close with them and loves spending time with them. Let's face they were a huge part of his life. While we use it as incentive, they will not see it that way. It is a tough balance right now. SO has also wanted to spend time with his parents so how do you manage that?
He usually is so good in the mornings, he was not bad this morning really just frustrating that he was trying to get his homework done so he can go to his baseball game tonight. Last night SO said if it was not done he would miss his game. School is first in our home, and his coach also made the team sign a code of conduct that says the same thing. He was rushing and not paying attention to what he was doing. Same thing happened last night and SO was dealing with all night last night.
I completely disagree! Your H
I completely disagree! Your H can have a conversation with the inlaws and suggest a better time for them to visit. Its your home and its causing chaos during this time. They won't know until someone tells them in the nicest best possible way of course but I don't see any harm in letting know of a better time to come and visit.
I am just tired and at the
I am just tired and at the end of my patience. How do you kindly tell you IL's that visiting during the school year is a major distraction and not a good idea?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You don’t. You take control and parent SS like normal. All kids go through this. (Many times) Whether it be end of school, grandparent close, or just age. You just deal with it and with SS.
Honestly, the fact that you would actually have the balls to tell your DHs parents (the ones who raised SS) that they cannot stay in your town, at their daughters house, at a certain time of year, is appalling to me.
I truly think you want what is best for SS. Until it comes to DHs family and then you try to control everything about their relationship with SS. You just need to chill about his parents and let them be grandparents. If you have to deal with a little attitude from SS because they are in town, then so be it. You are going to get attitude from SS MANY times over the next several years and it will have nothing to do with DHs family. What are you going to do then? Make the world stop so SS is not excited and giving you grief?
I think you are just flustered right now. Lol. That some deep breaths as this too shall pass.
I want them to visit just
I want them to visit just wish they would have done it over summer break. In all honesty they have not really got to spend much time with SS while they were here. Some on the weekends, like non during the week because once baseball is over rush home get ready for bed and he is in bed. SIL, SO and I all suggested to them that they come up in June not May. We all got ignored. I would never flat out say you can not come. Not my place to say they can't stay at their daughters.
I would not tell them when to come up just stronger suggesting next time......?
I get his attitude will get worse and be a roller coaster. This time it is related to their visit. It is rood to somehow clue them in on that they next time the pick dates to visit? SO and I have taken things away, punished him, sent him to his room, and some other stuff to get him to knock it off. No such luck. The next thing was to like Lieutenant suggested was say he can not see the g-parents. That is rough for me to do and I know SO really would not want to do that.
They haven't spent much time
They haven't spent much time with SS, yet you are blaming them for his behavior and ready to insist they can't vacation until school is out. WTF woman? I think you are grasping for a reason to keep them under your thumb. Stop. Just stop.
Ask anyone who works in education: most kids go mental the last few weeks of school. Fifth/sixth grade boys lose their damn minds. It is normal. It should be manageable. Stop blaming every hangnail and out of place hair on your in-laws.
You really need to read and
You really need to read and not pick out only bad info. I never said I was going to tell them what to do. Just strongly suggest it is in everyone's best interest if it after school is over.
While time has been limited just because life is busy and he is still in school. I am not trying to keep anyone under my thumb. Did you miss the part where I said all in all their visit had not been that bad, it has been ok. This is an SS issue, and how he has it in his mind that because they are around he does not have to listen to is dad or me. That is what it coming down to.
I am not being mean in thinking that even they might enjoy coming up when he is out of school next time, so they will be able to spend more time with him. It will be easier to manage everything. Right now he has a million things going on his head of what he would rather be doing than working on school stuff. Baseball, friends, playing outside, and seeing his g-parents. Yes he needs to learn how to manage and deal with all that. I told him that this morning. I am not wrong and thinking a later visit next year might be best. Will they listen I have no idea but I can hope.
SO and I both flat our said his his school work struggles, he will not be in sports. No I do not blame them.
This time of year is
This time of year is exhausting to all parents. We have baseball too. My days are filled with working, rushing home for games or practice, trying to get healthy meals in keep up with laundry , clean house, take care of pets ect.... to be honest it is sucky .
My dad just had cancer surgery at the VA and I let bs almost 11 skip school and come hang with me and my mom while the survey happened. He got to spend time with grandma and wanted despertly to be there for gramps .
Life is short, someday the grandparents will be dead, make memories and don't sweat the small stuff.
You can try to suggest that
You can try to suggest that they come when SS is out of school... "so that you will be able to spend much more fun time with him during the week". But their reasons for visiting are not just SS...so you may/may not have much success with suggestions that you are being helpful to point out would be in THEIR favor to do.
Kids lose their mind at the end of school... even good kids do this. Inlaws... no inlaws.. probably would not be too much different.
And... I also agree with LD... take your ball and go home. Let your SO deal with his son.. I "know" you roll differently normally but this is his kid and he has been used to having a lot of other people do a lot of the heavy lifting with his kid in the past... his parents, sister and now you. Stop letting him off the hook. As an added bonus, you can make it known to SS that you will do much less for him if he isn't on good behavior.. attitude? sorry sonny boy.. but I am not going to slave around for you while you sass me. Saying things like.. I will talk with you when you can speak to me respectfully. I will help you with your homework when you are ready to pay attention and not act like a jerk. I will fix you a snack when you ask me nicely and there better be a thank you after. etc... But... you can also make your DH take care of it. Your son has decided he doesn't want to listen to me... your turn.
Thanks. Funny thing SO, Me
Thanks. Funny thing SO, Me and SIL all said that to them when they first asked would be a good time. We all got ignored. Honestly they only came up to see SIL, SO and SS. Their whole trip here really has not been that bad. I in no way blame them for SS's behavior at all. Just thinking next time a make a stronger suggestion. We will see.
I am not letting SO off the hook at all. When SO found out SS lied to me about not having time to his homework. SO got pissed, and right there laid down punishment for SS. SO takes care of a lot of things around our home. I travel for work sometimes, I work longer hours than he does too. He get SS from daycare, make sure home work is done, gets him fed, takes him to his baseball, and feeds the dog. This is everyday of the week, baseball is not everyday but like twice a week.
I do help SS with some stuff for school and SO asks me to because he knows I am better at the academic stuff than him. When I can't do something or know I do not have time for patience for it I make DH deal with it.
SS has decided to not listen to either one of us. It is not so much not listening, he stares at us when we talk with this most blank vacant stare like we are speaking a language he has never heard. What we say is just not clicking or registering in his brain. When he does this to me SO chimes in and says he SS respond to ASH she is talking to you, stop just staring at her. How do you get it to click in his head that SO and I would let up if he just would understand that we want him to slow down, take his time, and pay attention to the things he is doing?
This type of crap is
This type of crap is reasonably normal for kids. Whenever mine used to come back from their dad's, it took a few days for them to settle down... they had a few good days... then off again to repeat it next time. Frustrating as heck when behavior reverts.
As far as controlling their visit, you can't. You CAN, however, limit their time in your home. You can also control the flow of information.
Make it crystal clear to the kid that his behavior will not be tolerated, and then enforce it with harsh discipline - you can also take away the visit, and make him earn the privilege back by demonstrating good behavior and limiting the crap.
Thank you. I have seen posts
Thank you. I have seen posts on here where when kids come back from the other parents it takes time for them to settle down. He reverted so far back that I still can not believe it. Like this whole past year of working on his attitude and behavior just completely gone. They were not around a lot just really on the weekends.
I am just wondering how much harsher we have to get. Right now if his report card is too bad be loses going to his favorite theme park for the summer. He goes like 3 times a year. He had comment all year about not focusing and inappropriate behavior this last time. That punishment is looming in the air.
Things are just not clicking with him right now, at all. It really seems like he does not get that his overall behavior and actions have consequences. He is just as bad with SO, sometimes worse.
The reverting is normal, don
The reverting is normal, don't worry about that. It's not the grandparents fault, either, directly... it is, but it isn't. Their presence is outwardly WHY he's reverting... but reality is, he's reverting, because he's slippling into old habits of being a sh!t to get attention, which used to work.
Attention is like a drug... you can kick the habit and the craving for it... but fall into old patterns, and the old behavior pops its ugly head up again.
I get the feeling he will be one of those personalities that easily get addicted to things.
In my limited experience, the harsher the lesson, the more attention is paid to it.... but not everyone is a fan of my methods, however much they seem to work with no negative consequences - my kids joke around with me, we play fight, we play boardgames, and we talk openly.
They know I mean business, and they have a healthy fear of fudging up because they know I will make them pay.
Thanks Secret and you are so
Thanks Secret and you are so right he is addicted to attention. You pretty much summed up how things are right now. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be easily addicted to drugs. Hell my SO dealt with his issues with it and I know his BM was into drugs when she was young, before and after he was born.
It is in his genetics unfortunately.
I wish he had a fear of fudging up. The connection is not there with him. His brain does not make the connection. He knows he will get in trouble, he knows right from wrong. I ask him if he knows the rules, he will recite them back to me. I ask him does he know why he is trouble and why we are made sometime before I even explain to him, and he knows. I get he is nine but his need for attention sometimes overrides everything around him. He was close to knocking over a shelf unit at his aunts just to get attention and play a silly joke.
I am starting to like my in-laws more and more, and I obviously love my SO but they all made a mistake when they decided to give this kid all the attention all the time and would never just make him be bored, or play alone, or drop things they are doing to cater to him. SO sees it now and what it has created. He works really hard to break it. One night he was in trouble and SO took away all electronics. SS asked to play a bored game that night. SO said no, you are in trouble, Ash and I worked all week and need to relax, you can go play on your own in your room. You do not need to be entertained all the time. Look of shock was on SS's face.
Thanks again.
He doesn't have a fear of
He doesn't have a fear of fudging up, because the rewards of attention outweight the risks of punishment.
He knows that the punishments he get aren't anything major... but the joy of getting that attention is better.
He needs to be at a point where he seriously thinks about whether the consequences are worth the behavior... if they're not, ramp it up until they are.
He hasn't made the connection, because it hasn't been clear enough for him TO make it. He knows he'll get in trouble, but he also knows it won't be THAT much trouble...
Your inlaws weren't necessarily making a mistake, it's what grandparents do... they lavish the grandkids with attention... what they didn't do right, though, is to treat him with a grandparent type relationship while being the parental figures in his life... he got used to being spoiled.
That look of shock on his face, was him making the connections. It was harsh (relatively), it was enforced, it was stuck with... he was shocked that OMG, he's "actually" being punished "for real"... betcha he thought a little harder about pulling that kind of crap again... at least for a little while...
Like I told my DH when he made the transition of avoiding No to make ss happy, and giving in to his fits, it will get worse before it gets better. When limits and boundaries are put in place, ss will push push push harder than he's ever pushed before, because he KNOWS his dad has a breaking point, and he will try at all costs to get to that breaking point, like all children do. This is normal. It's extremely important for dad (and you) to remain strong and rigid - if you say no, it's NO, that's it, don't give in. It will take a few times for ss to get that No actually means no, whereas before, No meant no for now, eventually turning into a yes....
The fits will get worse... then they will stop.
He will gradually learn that if he doesn't listen when consequences are trivial, the consequences get worse... and he will eventually get to a point where the cnosequences aren't worth the attention for him. You just need to find HIS currency - what makes HIM tick... inversely, you can use rewards as incentive, instead of discipline - tell him that if he listens, he gets electronic time/family time/whatever... one warning/reminder, then he gets the family time/whatever taken away. Make a point of playing the boardgame, without him... and remind him that he had the opportunity to join in, he chose to misbehave, so better luck next time.
It won't be something that's addressed in days, or even weeks - give it a good 3 months before you can see an actual change... then it will be consistant re-inforcing after that. It's important for kids to be independant - especially when it comes to their own entertainment... a child who cannot entertain themselves, becomes an adult with co-dependancy issues.
Thanks again secret. SO and I
Thanks again secret. SO and I both really worked on this all this past year. There was such a huge improvement on his behavior but he than started seeking more attention at school. That showed in his report card. SO and I were both mad. Simply put he loves going to the theme park near our home and he able for the first time this year go on the rides. I know he is excited and I know he wants to go.
We told him attitude does not improve he will not be allowed all summer. That includes the time they go during his summer program. I will tell the daycare he is not allowed and he has to stay while his friends go. We will see at the end of the year what happens. I am sticking to it firmly.
He just reverted so hard during this trip, it may have been easier to deal with if he did not have so much stuff going on all at once. I may have had more patience with him. I know SO said if his project is not done and he is late to the game tonight he has to tell the coach why not SO.