7 years in the hole?
Just wanted to intro myself. I have been in a topsy-turvy relationship for the past 7 years and things are not going well, not at all. For beginners, I have been helping raise her children (my step-kids) for the past 7 yrs ever since her deadbeat ex has dropped out and chosen a life of drugs. The girls are becoming teenagers and the oldest Step girl, 13 is very disrespectful towards me. The mother allows her to be so, and constantly sides with her and makes me look like a monster. Most of the problem is housekeeping and manners, both of which my fiance does little to instill in the girls. I have always tried to teach the girls to have Integrity, whether someone is watching them or not, but every time I ask the girls to pick up the mess they made, Mom steps in and tell me its fine and they will get to it later, which they never do, unless I pick it up or days later when there is another arguement and I lose my cool, which usually results in me raising my voice. I work 8-12 hr days, sometimes 7 days a week to support the girls and hardly see them because of that. When I come home, the kitchen, the living room and the kids rooms are all messy. If they clean up, the folowing day they mess it up again. To make things worse, I suffer from mild OCD and it makes me uncomfortable to come home to sneakers all over the living room, things broken (that I have to fix) clothes strewn all over the place and food crumbs all over the counters and kitchen floor (which have resulted in bugs). Whether I silently clean up the mess by myself or ask them to help, there is always a fight. Moms ex is a drug dealer who just got out of prison, he is constantly talking trash about me to the girls, yet he does not support them. I feel like am being taken advantage of and get no respect in my own home. Mom has a thyroid condition and also suffers from a head injury which sometimes makes her act erratic, without reason. I bought her a car, her and the kids treat it like a trash bin and I have sunk thousands into repairs as the car falls apart. Now she needs a new car and I am afraid she will mis-treat that too. Mom works full time but only seems to have enough money to cover for her half of the bills, I cover for the rest, including whatever the kids need. They all thank me, then go right back to trashing both the house and the car and being disrespectful. The oldest girl has always acted (for lack of a better word) like a bitch to everyone and its getting worse. The talking back is horrible! When I ask the kids to clean up, they complain to Mom and then the commotion ensues and nothing gets done until I raise my voice. I dont like raising my voice and have never belittled, threatened or touched her nor the kids, I just get upset being disrespected over and over again and it seems that is the only way they listen and stop being respectful. I tried going the friendly step-dad route and the disrespect got even worse. The older the kids get, the worse it is getting. Thinking about ending the relationship, I am afraid of having a stroke or my finances being run into the ground if I dont. Am I stupid for tryng to salvage this? I do love her and the girls and am trying my best to help raise them with a proper set of ethics. I have asked her about family counseling, but she doesnt seem interested. I would cry if I had the time to.
Sorry post too long
but if any kind person will read through, I am bad at making a long story short.
First thing first, don't get
First thing first, don't get married.
Whether or not you end or try to save this relationship is really hinging on her. My FDH and I always have had a thing, thanks to crappy past realtionships- when something is seriously bothering one of us, we talk alone but it starts out with our hands making a T and doing the "timeout"- we speak freely without being interupted (sometimes I will cry when I get frustrated) then we come up with a plan. Those plans never work out to one of us getting 100% what we want but we come to compromise. Maybe suggest your own version of this? It can't turn into a back and forth thing, one issue at a time.
So for example- Shoes all over the livingroom (pet peeve of mine as well)- a solution might be a shoe rack at the front door where we all HAVE to take our shoes off when entering the house. It is a house rule now, so she shouldn't have to fuss at the kids for more than a couple of days and with teenagers a simple comment of "shoes" should suffice without being a nagging step dad.
Shoe racks ignored
We dont have plans on marriage, she says will lose her kids insurance assistance if we do and put in in a bad tax bracket. I am not in a place financially to help with that. Anyways, I have bought shoe racks for every room in the house, including a 4 foot revolving rack by the front door. Guess where the shoes end up until I come home (every night) and say something? Thats right, the middle of the floor.
Then try the passive
Then try the passive agressive approach. Gather up all the shoes and dump them on the middle of their beds.
This won't help with the fact
This won't help with the fact that you need to be able to speak with your SO in a way where you are able to voice your frustations and for her to respond in a manner that shows you matter. She needs to be able to do this with you too. If you can't work together, then why are you together. You are supposed to be eachothers biggest supporters, biggest fans, best friends. I know relationships are all roses and sunshine and there are ups and downs but you have to have more ups than downs.
Besties without the Beasties
We generally get along great when the oldest SD isnt around. The younger SD genreally is a pleasure to be around and she acts like she adores me, the older teen SD acts the opposite, talks back, disses me, turns her back to me and starts up, getting Mom involved and another war started every time I ask her to do something simple. The younger SD makes messes but cleans them up without fights or instigating.
How to make war pt 1
Yep, shoes, clothes, toy wrappers, clothes hangers all on the bed. Was told to stay out of the girls room, they will clean it on Saturdays. That worked out real well. not.
As long as you are paying 1/2
As long as you are paying 1/2 the rent/mortgage then 1/2 of their room is yours. KIDS DON'T OWN ANYTHING! Dump all their crap in their rooms daily.
quote: As long as you are
quote: As long as you are paying 1/2 the rent/mortgage then 1/2 of their room is yours. KIDS DON'T OWN ANYTHING! Dump all their crap in their rooms daily.
Been there done that, BM confronted me, said that she talked w the skids and they agreed to keep thier room clean if I stay out. Didnt work at all, mess and laziness got worse.
Then go back to doing it
Then go back to doing it again.
But you also need to actually get your girlfriend to be a parent. If she won't and you are miserable, what is the point in being together?
If they don’t keep it clean,
If they don’t keep it clean, then keep dumping their things on their bed!
The children don’t get to make the rules, the adults do and if your SO isn’t on board with your rules, then she can clean off their beds!
I get the feeling that BM is
I get the feeling that BM is using you to raise her kids - financially. I'm supposing BD does nothing to contribute such as child support? At the very least she should be backing you up with the girls. The girls see how she treats you and therefore are learning to disrespect you the same way. :(
I'm OCD myself and have the same issues when I come home from a 12 hr shift at work - crumbs on the counter drive me crazy- DH doesnt' seem to see them. GRR. It's hard for me and my family being OCD. But my hubby tries to understand and since getting glasses - has been better about the crumbs thing. And he tries to pick up the house a bit before I get home so it's not a total disaster I'm walking into.
BD no help
BD is a drug dealer/addict who puts his addicton before his kids. He has more than once abandoned the kids and refuses to pay child support. BM is afraid of him, he has violent tendencies and she fails to go after him. You would not believe the conniving he has gotten away with in court! He recently skipped Parole after a drug-related Felony arrest and absconded to Equador. The Feds arrested him when he tried to sneak back into the US. He just got out of prison on good behaviour after serving only 8 months of a 1.5 yr sentence. He loves playing emotional games w the kids and her and I am trying to get her to see who and what he really is. When BM does back me up I Thank her, but thats far and few in between.
Welcome to ST! I can really
Welcome to ST! I can really sympathise with you as being a person with OCD living in a chaotic household. I think one of your last statements was the most telling ie having asked your partner about family counselling and she doesn't seem interested. It strikes me that you are the one doing all the hard work in this family. This has to change. Either your partner pulls her weight, at least in terms of mustering up some enthusiasm for change in the direction that would make your life less like a penance, or I cannot see this all working out at all. You are worth better than this.
You have a wifey problem not
You have a wifey problem not a skid problem. I didn't even read your whole blog however, when I saw that you asked the skid to pick up her mess and the BM said that it's fine they can do it later is all I had to read to discover the root of the problem. I also agree with JanRebecca about BM using you financially. You are not responsible for her kids they are hers and the BD however if you choose to do so then it comes with all of benefits of dealing with stepbrats and a disney BM.
She is one big user/loser who
She is one big user/loser who will not change unless you give her a serious ultimatum. You have the owner here. Use it. Give her 60 days to get her sh*t together or to get out.
Ultimatums
Yep, tried ultimatums a few times, brings out the waterworks and the next day she apologizes and says its all because of (insert reason here). Then turns it all around on me and says I am the one who needs to "chill out and stop nagging the kids".
Do you play all the bills or
Do you play all the bills or does she help you?
Splitting the Bills
We do split rent, grocery bills and utilities. I pay for car insurance (hers and mine) and internet. Many times I have to give her a little more because she says she doesnt have enough for groceries or gas after paying for her bills. That money goes into a joint acct where I can see where its spent, she has been very honest w me about that.
Things will not change until
Things will not change until you put your foot down and tell her how you feel about things even then it still may not work. Speaking from experience my DH used to let his kids get away with everything now since I put my foot down he is little bit better.
Nothing changes until ...
Nothing changes until ... something changes. What is your bottom line? You have to be able to talk about it with your partner -- if she won't hear it or won't take it seriously after a few days/weeks, or if she turns it back on you, then she's not really much of a partner.
Try identifying ONE thing to change. Say it's the messy kitchen. (Drives me crazy as the bugs and mice will find that stuff.) Maybe each person, including you, takes a turn at making sure floors are swept and counters are cleaned every day. The consequences for someone missing their turn is that they have to do it every day for the next week. Something like that--whatever you and your partner agree on is reasonable and doable. Then if she won't enforce that with the girls, your problem is with her -- you're more of a wallet than a partner. Hard to face maybe, but there you are.