If they only knew all that we do--even when disengaged--they wouldn't give a f*ck!

Very well written  -!

...that we aren't "competing" with their father for attention, only trying to create some sort of a family out of the broken shards of their parents' failed marriage. 

If they only knew...how much trouble their mother caused, then maybe they would not think she was such a saint.

If they only knew...how it's no fun having "houseguests" who expected to be catered to and entertained every other weekend. 

If they only knew...how frustrating it is that their father doesn't "parent" because he only sees them four days a month and would rather spend that time making them feel like special little snowflakes than making sure they were ready to survive in the world, then maybe they would not see me as the wicked stepmother when I ask them to pick up their trash. 

If they only knew...that just because their parents are divorced, it doesn't mean they are entitled to 100% of resources from both parents, then maybe they wouldn't be so demanding that they should have two of everything. 

I don't think anything would change if they knew because they feel entitled to everything we have done for them. And they have no sense of obligation to recognize the work/sacrifice or to say thank you. In fact, some skids and even their parent who we are partnered with feel we must bend over for anything they want to make up for the fact that we're dating/married to their parent! They will let us stay around if we make ourselves useful enough to them!

Nope, never again. Had stepchildren in the past who I did everything for and it was a painful, thankless job. Next time around I did not do anything for my partner, nor did I consider his child my stepchild. That was just his child, and to that child, I was just "Dad's girlfriend".....I like it that way. And that has led to a lot less involvement from BM as well. She doesn't need to concern herself with whether or not I'm trying to steal her child or take her place. She knows I give zero you know whats.

Not too long ago my YSD sent me a text saying that she was thankful she had me for a SM because after being around some other adult SKids and seeing other scenarios, she realizes that I didn't have to do what I did for them.  Or.. as she jokingly said.. I could have killed them.. but I let them live. haha.  She said that she understands I was under no obligation to treat someone else's children nicely but I did and with grace.  It was a very nice message and it didn't even come with a "can you lend me some money or any gotcha at the end"..hahahaha

Did I ever tell you guys she is my favorite..lol?

No seriously, to a certain extent, I understand kids not being all gracious and thankful to their step parents.. shoot...even their Bio parents (esp the NCP that is often thrown under the bus by a GUBM that he is a deadbeat in spite of his financial contributions).  I don't remember spending a lot of time thanking my mom for every meal she put on the table or every pair of socks I got.  Sure, I think (or I hope I did) I probably thanked them for the big stuff.. or for offical presents, but day to day living expenses? my medical bills? driving me around? Sadly, I was probably just as entitled as the next kid and just expected my parents would raise me which included all that stuff.

So, despite the fact that I personally paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for the girls' insurance and medical bills, I didn't really expect to get a thank you from them.  Now, It would have been nice if their mother had acknowleged the fact that I was helping her girls.. but nope.  Now their father always thanked me when I kicked in to cover things.  I also didn't necessarily expect thanks for allowing them to join us on trips.. though when they brought guests.. it would have been nice.

So... I think it's naturally clueless behavior for kids to not express their thanks when they are kids but certainly by the time they are adults they should be able to figure out the facts of life and that their father's wife probably was a lot nicer to them than she needed to be.. especially if they are honest about the things they may have done or said as kids or teens.  Unfortunately they are also sometimes pushed into this dynamic by their own mother who is so bitter and territorial that she just won't stand for HER girls to have any positive feelings for the SM. 

I dealt with some of that.... some tattle tailing and some diva expectations (esp from the older girl).  In fact, even the older girl and I get along pretty ok.  but she is the more bitter child who thinks she was cheated by both her parents from having the life she deserved (includes better clothes, car, house etc...).  When she became pregnant she was complaining a bit to her dad about her mother (she plays both sides).  I piped up and told her that I thought that her mother and father did the best they could raising her and that the good thing is that now she had HER chance to raise her child differently if she thought it should be done differently.  I said it nicely.. but pointedly to let her know that I hoped she realizes that it's not as easy as you think it should be.  She has since had a few marital issues with her DH.. they are still together but I'm sure she has a greater appreciation for things now.

I just don't think kids understand how hurtful it is to try to do things for people that not only don't appreciate it but actively act in ways that are meant to hurt the other person. 

I think my YSD saw in hindsight how lucky she was.  It was nice to hear.

she is everywhere pervasive in the culture (including our collective unconscious); and we are petrified of becoming her. Often, we turn ourselves inside out to avoid it, or berate ourselves for having feelings that strikes us as “stepmonsterish.” It is perhaps no surprise that several studies find that stepmothers have the most problematic role in the “family” and experience significant adjustment difficulties."

Thank you for the quote Wednesday Martin.

No matter what we do they will never know...My husband tells me step parenting is an unnatural state of being.....

This true, it is a unnatural state of being...not being a "real parent"...it will forever be the cloud that hangs over us. A child will forgive and forget with their "real parent". We are labeled and expected to fail by society.

My husband and our marriage is worth it all...  

I can only hope they move to another country.....after college.