Disengaged from H's daughter...
Hi Everyone, I've been disengaged from my SD for 6 months now. This isn't the first time we've gone long periods of times of no contact. The last fall out we had she was very disrespectful and basically cursed me out and all h@ll broke loose. I told H that until he addresses what's going on and get to the root of the problem that she is not allowed in our home. I can not and will not allow someone to disrespect me in my house. I also have refused to go to any functions or vacations where I know she will attend. I need to do this for my own sanity. Do you think this is a bit much?
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You did exactly as you should
You did exactly as you should. You didn't accept abuse, drew a boundary, placed the onus correctly (his kid, his responsibility), and are practicing self care.
As to whether you should attend events where your husband's daughter is present, that depends as each situation is unique. How old is the brat? Is she capable of public misbehavior? Do your in laws align with her? Does relational aggression exist amongst them? Would you be targeted?
"I told H that until he
"I told H that until he addresses what's going on and get to the root of the problem that she is not allowed in our home.
I disagree with the bolded part. You just need to stick to "she is not allowed in our home". period dot. You don't need to add any provisions where her presence might be accepted. You can always change your mind if she becomes a decent human being but don't hold your breathe waiting.
I don't know -- how old is SD
I don't know -- how old is SD? Is she a child of tender years or is she an adult? Forbidding a 7 year old from coming to the house is different than telling a 30 year old that they are not welcome in the home.
age matters
I agree with some of the others that the age of SD matters a lot in the decision. Completely agree that if she's totally disrespectful and abusive, you do not have to put up with that.
SD is 27 years old. My saving
SD is 27 years old. My saving grace is also that she lives in another state. If she should ever come visit she and H can meet up somewhere or he can go travel and be with her. When there are functions she's not acting out like a two year old with a tantrum but you can feel the tension in the air and she makes it obvious to not interact with me. H has been very supportive but I feel he's not doing enough as far as trying to understand and get to the root of the issue. He has not addressed her and wants to do it in person but the more time lapses the harder it will be. He's disappointed that I don't want to be around her and feels that I shouldn't allow her to dictate where I do and don't go. He doesn't understand that its not about that. Its about me removing myself from a miserable and toxic person and not wanting to be around that negative energy.
Thanks for your input!
I don't blame you and for an
I don't blame you and for an adult of almost 30?... no reason she has to come to the home.
The mistake your DH made was not addressing it right at the point in time it happened. Perhaps in the moment he was shocked.. or maybe he didn't witness it.
As long as you can honestly say that you did or said nothing to provoke that kind of treatment, he should have immediately addressed it and said she owed you an apology.
He can tell her how unfair it is to HIM to put HIM in the middle.. that he loves his wife and that it hurts him deeply that she could treat someone he cares about so poorly. That he loves her as his daughter too but that this will obviously limit their relationship because he won't live his life excluding his wife.
Now.. he should absolutely accept your desire to not be around her and by proxy at family events where she will be there or around people that are likely to hold you to blame in some way. If it is a big enough event.. it should be possible to avoid and ice her or be coldly civil if you come face to face. Shoot... be super nice to her.. THAT will throw her off for sure.
His conversation with her is long overdue.
Welcome! Stand your ground
Welcome! Stand your ground on your disengagement.
There will be times, you would like to let it go back.
Good Luck
(((hugs)))