What Do You Think
Forums:
Fellow stepmothers, I would like your opinion on what went down in church on Veterans Day some time ago.
Our chaplain announced he would like for all retired military if they so desired to post a photo of themselves as they appeared in service, and a photo of them that represents their life as it is today.
DH posted a photo of himself early in his military career, and posted another photo of himself and his SON and DID NOT include me.Am I not part of his life as it is TODAY? When I found out he sent these photos, I told him to go enjoy Veterans Day at church, I didn't go.
He came home all sweet and sickening, but that is no I'm sorry.
Thoughts?
Yes you are a part of his
Yes you are a part of his life today. This would hurt my feelings if my DH did this. I truly believe that men are just plain clueless about things. I bet he saw that picture of him and his son and thought " oh that's a nice picture". Never even giving you a second thought. Not because he wanted to hurt you but because he is clueless that this picture he sent in would hurt you.
Can he send in a different picture? If so, he should.
This all brings up an
This all brings up an interesting thought I have that is somewhat related to this. But, sometimes I wonder if our DHs don’t see us as true wives any more than the rest of society tends to? Just seems to me like a lot of these DHs still want to keep their initial families separate from us. Sure, they love us, want to marry us, but at the same time, they want to keep their initial family somehow separate. I think there is more going on here than just “dumb men.” I think some of these men, even long after remarriage, still feel the societal shame fanned their way by all—that a failed marriage, for any reason = man’s fault. This is even if BM wanted the divorce or was the primary cause.
So, yeah, I can actually believe some guy would accidentally on purpose look at a picture of him and his son and his wife and one of him and his son, and pick the one of him and his son to show, because he doesn’t want to make waves, or wants to take what he thinks is the easy route, or __? This is also why when SM and DH hook up for family events that includes SKs and esp. BM and SKs, he just sits there like numbnuts, and lets BM and SKs run his role in the show, even tho. he personally may not want to be in that role and highly suspect that his wife is going to get her butt plummeted and may be deeply hurt. Then, after, DH acts like, “Poor me. I didn’t know what to do. I was put in the middle. Poor me.” No, DH you weren’t put in the middle. You made your choice. You chose to make things easier for yourself.
Kind’a sucks when you fall in love, marry and expect you are getting a husband, when in reality, society and even your own husband sometimes looks at you as more-so a mistress, who is supposed to take a back to seat to anything going on with or involving the initial family. I’m not saying that is the case here with this one incident with the OP and her DH, but personally, I really wish I had a 100% husband rather than an 80-85% one (or less). Nothing like being married to a man for years, and then finding out his balls are still located in society’s pockets, or some other woman’s purse! But, I guess you have to ask yourself, am I OK with an 80-85% husband? If not, then next, can some level of disengagement somehow bring that up closer to 90%? And, maybe that’s acceptable. At the end of the day, I really think that is what it comes down to for many SMs, deciding what percentage of a husband we can live with.
I didn't catch if the man's
I didn't catch if the man's son would see the pic.
I agree with what you said about DH's wanting to keep their original families seperate. I think men want to do whatever maximizes their own comfort/minimizes inconvenience and discomfort. That is what most important to them. They also think it's harder to repair an infraction with their children than their own wives. I remember one time my DH telling me he thought it would be easy to apologize to me for something, but knew his DD would hold the situation against him for months, so that was why he chose to do what he did. It also gets back to the situation of our partners being more afraid of losing their children than losing us. We replaceable after all; we have already replaced someone else.
In your last paragraph, that was how I looked at the situation. The rest of our marriage was good, if not very good. Was I likely to find that again? All marriages have problems; if it were not this it would be something else. I had to disengage to minimize the problem and the effect on our marriage and was fortunately able to.
He Did Not See The Photo
Dear SacrificialLamb,
The photo he submitted to church was taken on college graduation day. SS was not in church on Veterans Day, the day the photo was shown to the whole congregation. I felt like such a nothing when he did it,and I will never forget it.
I am sorry you felt minimized
I am sorry you felt minimized during this time. Your DH chose that pic to show off his son was a college graduate. That's it. As if it were so unique and rare, but this type of dad needs all the ego boosting he can get....my DH is the same way.
I think men compartmentalize.
I think men compartmentalize. In their brain theres a box for his first marriage, a box for his kids, a box for work, a box for his wife, a box for fun, a box for romance, etc.
I don’t think they necessarily mean to separate the new wife from their kids but they are simply in different boxes and he hasn’t put the two together. Not that that’s a bad thing. When he does put them together he expects SM to love his kids like he does.
Married Yet Separate
Dear Idvilen,
I do so agree with what you say, married, yet they keep us separate. And I too agree - that when it comes to the end of the day it all comes down to what you will put up with. I do love DH, and I would not be able to live alone comfortably as I now live with him, my quality of life would go down the toilet considerably not to mention that - when he is not worshiping the Christ Child and sidelining me for him, he is very good to me and I dearly love being with him. I truly think he loves me and is incredibly stupid when it comes to his kid. I do not have kids, and SS is gone more than he is here in our home because he is in the military, thank God! I just don't understand why DH did what he did, as he and I are the only two who attend this particular military chapel (none of his family goes to this chapel, so there was nobody there to get upset if he included a photo of him and me), and the only day sonny boy was in church was to get baptized - on Fathers Day, to score points with daddy. And after his beloved baptismal bash, he had the nerve to get in the front seat of DH's suv and think I was going to sit in the back seat. Well I stood there until he got in the back seat, DH, to his credit made him do that. Score one for ME! I detest that entitled little Sh*!. He has seldom since darted in the doors. The first time he came to church, he told DH that he wished to go with only DH as he was sort of embarrassed as he did not know what church was all about as he had no religious upbringing. Translated he wanted daddy there and not me. I thought that was deeply weird as well. So, that day of the "show us your photo of how you were then and how you are now" on Veterans day - that I was not included in, well SS was not there to enjoy the moment, so I just don't get why DH did what he did. And there was nobody there who knew his son who would have said anything HAD DH actually done the right thing, and produced a photo of him and me which represents his life as it is TODAY. I will never go to church for veterans day with DH again after that little caper. Perhaps it was the keep them separate mentality. Well, we are separate all right, I don't care if I ever see his crotch fruit again, and it is increasingly difficult to be civil to him because he is so passivly aggressively rude when he does grace us with his presence. I am still amazed that DH allows this behavior, but I guess when you are the golden holy one who can do not wrong, then I get what I get. For I will never worship the entitled golden holy one. NEVER. I love what you said about nothing like being married to a man for years and finding out his balls are still located in society's pockets, or in his case, sonny boy's pockets. That is so true! And so sickening. Well, it could always be worse I guess. Really do love this site!