Confused and hurt
I spoke to DH three weeks ago about fathers day coming up and the importance to have our boys enjoy fathers day without the skids. He said he understood and would sort something else with the skids--ie go out to lunch--- DH had kept me in the dark about it until I had to raise the issue to give me peace of mind to what was occurring. It all got twisted around and Dh told me in his anger that his kids hate me and they would 't come around anyway- he won't accept that the adult skids layed the seeds years ago of hate, resentment, jealousy. Passive aggressive behavior and he still defends them. Why did I ever go back as it hasn't changed.
By DH telling me that his kids hate me and then go back on what was said was done in anger- the barb has stuck!
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I have a hard time grasping
I have a hard time grasping what your fight was all about. You told him that you want your boys to enjoy father's day without the stepkids, he accepted and decided to sort something else with his other kids. What's the problem exactly?
Australia (posters country)
Australia (posters country) and NZ have Fathers Day this weekend. As my Dad in NZ keeps reminding me. not that he wants something...*grin*
The way I read it is WMLB asked her DH to sort out something separate for Fathers Day with his adult children. She asked for clarification as to his plans (presunably so they won't clash with her plans) and he turned it into a SM hate-fest.
Honey, the simple answer is this... you cannot control how his kids feel about you. Now if you caused his marriage to their mother to fall apart it is likely they would sooner run you down than smile at you. But if you never did anything morally or legally or emotionally wrong to them then there is nothing you can do.
The trick is to change the way you react to his barbs. "I am sorry your kids hate me. But how they feel about me is nothing I can change. So have a lovely lunch with them." Rather than coming out swinging. Give up expecting things to change because they won't. His kids hate you and guilt their father over it. Plant it right back in their lap. How they feel about you is out of your control. You can only control your own feelings. if they have decided to blame you for all their wrongs including world hunger then there is nothing you can do to change it but lead a good life and allow him time to see his adult kids and disengage from that part of his life. Fathers Day tell him you have planned dinner for your little family. Will this work for him? If he says he is going to see his other kids then ask what time works for him... lunch or dinner. Act like you are working around a dental appointment. Until you let it go he will continue on the defensive. if you act like nothing bothers you he will start to see the kids for what they really are.
I wanted to deal with the
I wanted to deal with the issue of father's day before the day arrived. That's why I spoke with DH three weeks ago to give him plenty of time to make plans with his adult kids to go out for lunch or something. As time had passed he had kept me in the dark about it therefore I raised the issue again as father's day is this weekend. DH obviously resentful at me raising the issue again basically told me I wasn't to worry about it as he told the skids not to do anything on father's day, which was a barb pointed at me then I got a mouthful of abuse that his kids hate me andthat's why they don't come around. DH has the ability to twist it around and make out I'm at fault.
It is cruel to make out he understood why he should celebrate fathers day with his adult kids separatly, but later turn on me and blame me for the relationship I have with skids
Very quick to forget the years I have brought each Xmas presents. birthday present, visited them in hospital, taken them to theme parks blah blah,, just a little bit of respect and care in return would be appreciated. I've had two operations this year, after months of being unwell, did I get a get well card or a visit or even one phone call , no I got nothing. And then DH shouts at you , well that's all in the past, how long can you keep kicking a dog until the dog turns around and snaps.!!
Until they can show any genuine interest and respect for my family , and they get over the fact their dad left them when they were younger- it's time for them to build a fcuking bridge and get over it
And by the way he did leave
And by the way he did leave his wife for me. The darling ex-wife of his had an affair for several months before DH daughter was born, DH was a stay at home dad looking after their infant son when she started the affair at work so their mother put things in place years previously for the breakdown within their marriage , long before I was on the scene. Maybe those skids should be told about that to give them a
better understanding of it all--- their mother played a huge role in their father looking for true love elsewhere.