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Help me before I do something I'll regret...

SpecialNeedsEW's picture

Submitted by SpecialNeedsEW on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:01pm

:jawdrop:

I have raised a ss from 4 to 20. His BM is a crack addict and his father left me to take care of everything except the dicipline, because there was none and God forbid if I even thought about it. Well, as soon as I got the kid ready for the real world, his father leftr me, because I was no longer needed. OK. Fine. Here's the Now, New, Next problem. I fell in love with a man that was perfect for me and I for him, until...he told me about his children. He has 4. Two bios and two steps that he takes care of because thier father is a giant loser that refuses to work, in order to avoid child support. Their mother refuses to turn him in, yet lets him and his boyfriends, yes I said boyfriends, visit the children. The mother has Aspbergers and in turn has given three of her children Autism, 13, 8, and 5. The five year old also suffered cord trauma and is still in diapers, even though he functions very well and understand everything. He's smart as a whip, they all are.

My boyfriend has his two boys 3 weekends a month and during the week frequently as well. He wants me to marry him but assumes we should then have them every weekend.

It's bad enough that we can't go anywhere or do anything because his ex has a calendar of every move we make and all moves must be cleared through her, just in case she has something she may want to do, but now to have all of this and special needs kids every weekend...

I love these kids, like the mom most days, but I'm scared out of my mind that I'm going to be left holding the bag on raising other people's children once again. When I try and talk to my fiance, he always takes it as though I have a grudge against his children.

What say you?

Comments

forestfairy's picture

Submitted by forestfairy on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:07pm

OMG, NO! Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me.

You will be starting all over with a guy who is already acting the same (guilty daddy).

Run!!!

SpecialNeedsEW's picture

Submitted by SpecialNeedsEW on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:37pm

I fell in love with this man month's before I met his children and then it was a couple of more month's before I found out they were special needs. The 5 year old is very small and therefore it didn't occur to me that he should have been out of diapers or that his speech was behind.

Yes - Einstein did say that, I just wasn't aware that I was doing it a second time, until very recently.

SpecialNeedsEW's picture

Submitted by SpecialNeedsEW on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:44pm

No we don't live together. In fact I do not stay over when the children are there even though that's not the case at their mother's home. When they come to my house, they all sleep in my bed and I sleep on the couch. I have no children of my own and being 45, I don't plan on having any. I wasn't raised to put my needs before anyone elses, so I have a difficult time with that kind of thing. You're so right, there are many, many questions I need to ask myself repeatedly before I make any permanent motions.

SpecialNeedsEW's picture

Submitted by SpecialNeedsEW on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:46pm

No, he wouldn't still be around, he's very into movie making and writing, it wouldn't take him long to replace me, I'm afraid. But oh how good that sounds. Unfortunately when Mr. Wonderful #1 left, he all but bankrupted me. I still have my dreams though! <3

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:48pm

Go volunteer at St Judes if you want to be a lifesaver. Don't take this mess on. At 45 you are still VERY young to LIVE YOUR LIFE for you, doing the things YOU want to do. God, I hope you listen....

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:23pm

I am sorry. Is your name Florence as in Florence Nightingale?

It seems you are very successful at raising other people's cuckoo children (as in they are left for you to raise)but what is your life like?

A man who allows his ex (and they are an ex for a reason)to dictate his life is not really divorced. Sorry, you are in for the same crap again.

Step back and consider your dreams for your life. And in my world any man who thinks I have got it in for his kids because I don't back down every time is not the man for me. it doesn't matter how much i love him, I will not allow and other woman or child or man to dictate my movements or activities so I am on-call for them 24/7. That is just stupid!

Run. Now. And have fun running YOUR life and not the lives of other people's children. Sheesh!

SpecialNeedsEW's picture

Submitted by SpecialNeedsEW on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:48pm

By no means am I Florence Nightingale, I just try and do what's right and to the best of my ability. The children are lovely, it's just the accompanying situation of implied control over my life that has me scared to death.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 4:57pm

Doing what is right is different to being a doormat. If you love working with kids get a job where you get paid for it. Then you retian full control over your life. And your life has no value right now because the man in it is a puppeteer on the line to the Master Puppeteer. Your line about accusing of hating or not caring about his kids was a big huge red flag.

In other words you are about to get yourself into the same situation as before.

SpecialNeedsEW's picture

Submitted by SpecialNeedsEW on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:53pm

Yes, yesterday was his 22nd birthday. He loves me because I was the only one that ever made him tow the line...and he tells me so.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:44pm

Walk away. I'm sorry, I know that seems mean but you need to put yourself first. You'll fall in love again with someone else, BELIEVE ME. DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN, you will resent your BF, his kids and you will be really miserable. WALK AWAY NOW. If I knew then what I know now, I too would prefer to be alone.

beyond pissed-off's picture

Submitted by beyond pissed-off on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:50pm

Sorry to be harsh but this guy played you. He should have been upfront from the beginning about his kids and their needs. You did not fall in love with HIM - you fell in love with who he presented himself to be. They turned out to be two very different people. That is shady as hell. What else is he hiding from you??? Run girl!!!!

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:57pm

Funny you say that. My sister tells me that about my DH all the time. She says "That was NOT full disclosure by any means! Keeping to himself the fact that his BM was a fucking lunatic and his family was a bunch low life losers was his way of bamboozling you into marrying him!" LOLOLOL!

SpecialNeedsEW's picture

Submitted by SpecialNeedsEW on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:58pm

Oh, no. I love his kids. They're great. It's the scary, controlly, Ex-Wifey, situation and lack of ANY US time that has me worried.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 2:59pm

Yes, we ALL love the kids, it's the bullshit that comes WITH the kids that drives us all batshit crazy.

Kilgore SMom's picture

Submitted by Kilgore SMom on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 4:44pm

You have answered your own question. No you do not want to be control by the ex wife. Three is a crowd. While I respect the man for caring for his skids and his bio kids. That is not your responsbility. You are 45yrs old and you have rasied one ss. And from what you said USED by the exh to do just that. Please do not open your self up to be USED again because it sounds like you will be his ex wife kids babysitter. He did say he wants to have them every weekend if ya'll get married. Why can't he get them every weekend now. BECAUSE HE NEEDS YOUR HELP! ALL YOU WILL BE DOING IS GIVING THE OTHER WOMEN A BREAK. DON'T DO IT. I think he is a manipulator. If hes not he will totally understand why it is important to you to have your own place. If he is not okay with that and replaces you it was meant to be.
Your word.
"I do not stay over when the children are there even though that's not the case at their mother's home. When they come to my house, they all sleep in my bed and I sleep on the couch."
My question to you is are you aleady babysitting these kids and are they sleeping over at your house, where is BF? BF doesn't live with the mother to these sk does he? Not sure what you meant by "Thats not the case at their mothers home."
What I see here is someone that loves kids and likes to help people. And you say you love your BF and he loves you. Putting up with someone dictating to you from now own just doesn't seem worth it to me. I'm sorry.