PS - you don't and should not pay for his kids. You should make a budget of what all the bills in the home are...except groceries and gas which vary depending on having the kids or not. That money should go to a separate acct... 1/2 each...then, if he has no money to buy stuff for his kids, his problem...they are NOT your responsibility...

PS - CS is alimony in disguise

I have the same gripe about food, mostly because I have two kids that WON'T eat and then the SKIDS come and graze the whole time, arrghghghgh. I have become a milk nazi, I monitor every last drop, because they don't need to have bowl after bowl of cereal just to dump most the milk down the drain, where as my little kids need all that milk fat still.

OP, you should NOT be footing the bills for his kids.
Time to go back to divvy-ing up expenses.

I hear ya....i am disgusted at child support too---even though I probably have it better than most of the people on here----my hubby pays 277 a month for one child who's mother is very well off financially and does not need it. While we have 2 children together and dont have enough to pay the bills. Stopped paying our credit cards and are often late on bills and own my mother-in- law money that we cant pay back anytime soon and my mom gave us a car. We share our money equally and sometimes I wish we didnt. My hubby used to rent movies and games (at least 2) EVERY weekend we had him which I made him cut back---and then when we bought grocery's for the week his kid would eat so much that there was not much left to last the rest of the week--I bitched to hubby about this too and now his kid does not pig out so much and even brings some snacks from his mothers house. his son was overweight too and this may sound stupid--but i was embarrased to be seen in public with an overweight sloppy child (his mother was to cheap to buy her son decent clothes even though she had plenty of money), so I tried to plan active free outtings such as going hiking on weekends hoping he would burn some of that excess weight off. My advise is to still keep your money separate and if he wants to spend all this extra money on his kids than he needs to find little part-time jobs or work overtime so that he can aford to pay for extra things for them.

baseballgirly you cracked me up! I have the SAME EXACT ISSUES but not about the kids, but my BF that practically lives with me but still has his own place. He doesn't pay for jack...and then he opens a pop, takes a sip, and leaves the can sitting AROUND MY HOUSE! He will drink all his, then start on mine, and then replace his and not mine. And I'm a single mom of two kids getting none of the CS I'm supposed to get, so it's like I've added on a 3rd child. Everything from the toilet paper to the shampoo/soap thing has bothered me! LOL We are actually in the middle of a fight right now. We might be broken up, I'm not sure. If not, things are going to CHANGE. Some of the things he has said may not be forgivable. I will have to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning LOL. Anyway, back to you...you have a right to feel taken advantage of. Have a conversation about this and sort it out before you resent this beyond repair. Good luck!

i could have written your post almost word for word. we had many big blow-ups due to dh's inconsiderateness and me picking up ALL the slack. we separated for awhile and the terms for him to come back was counseling and he had to get a part-time job to cover the "extras" for his kids and make full contributions to OUR own savings and "extras". i didn't get married to help a man support himself and his kids. i told him if i wasn't around, to be able to live on his own without a roomate or live with his mother, he'd have to work a second job. so he can work that second job now. i told him until he needed to be able to not only support HIMSELF and his kids, but he had be a financial partner to me. he had lost his job and found another within 9 months, but at much lower wages and refused to lower child support (which is ok by me-the kids would have NOTHING if it were lowered), but he would have to work twice as hard. he sure as heck didn't like it, but he's doing it! and now we have a small savings and even went on vacation this summer. it took many fights that i didn't think we'd come back from but we did and he really likes his second job and loves what it has done for him. he is now taking care of ALL his responsibilities. see, when he married me, OUR future (and me) became just as important as his kids. i will not accept less. i think ALOT of divorced men maybe aren't looking for a free ride, but they will TAKE as much as you allow them to. they believe since he married you, that you take on responsibility for their kids as well (financially, emotionally, etc...). that would make me wayyyy too resentful and i had to get this relationship to a point where i wasn't feeling that if i wanted it to survive. soooo much more to the story, but kick his butt to the curb until he can get his act together and come to you as a fully responsible man who can come to you willing to contribute rather than take.

Me, me, me! I'm disgusted by the cost of CS!!! Even more disgusted that BM thinks we should give her more... DH gives 35% of his salary, the rest goes into mortgage, taxes, etc, and we've calculated with our lawyer that 25% of my salary supplements the rest since we've been together!!

We've a DD of our own and money is certainly tight, and to top it off, both DH's and my employers are downsizing so job stability is questionable until the end of this year.

Ref my last post, we made the ultimate mistake of trying to maintain our former level of life only to find proof that the skids see us as walking banknotes - ok, our fault, and it stops NOW!

I should have heeded the red flags when the skids first started doing their "grocery shopping" at our house... I' the type of person that buys stocks of household items so I don't have to think about it for awhile, but when I started noticing those stocked items magically disappear EOW the skids were here, DH didn't want to believe me that bottles of shampoo, toothpaste, female hygene AND fricken toilet paper would just vanish into thin air!!!!

The best was when OSD temporarily moved out for college and asked me to make her stocks of my cooking to freeze, it was YSD that let the cat out of the bag that the skids were eating at BM's since that freak doesn't cook!!! WTF???

But, yes, the fact that BM refused our request to review CS, and is instead claiming more in compensation, AND that our lawyer said there's a loophole where she can actually GET MORE, makes me sick to no end.

Even if we want to give out the goodness and generousity of our hearts, DH and I have decided on no more freebies, no more rewards, no more "just-thinking-of-you" gifts. Let's face it, we never a get a damn thing, not even a card for DD for her birth, but we're frequently asked to "borrow" money for the skids to get something for their BM and her painfully dumb husband. Of course, we never see the money back.

Fricken nightmare of a subject, this is, indeed...

You should not be paying for his kid's food, shampoo, snacks, etc. As far as bottled water, stop buying it. Tap water is free. Talk to your SO and tell him you are tapped out. Everyone needs to pitch in and live within the household budget.
Off topic, but if the 10 year old is below reading level Huck Finn is too hard for him. To get a kid interested in reading try books below his reading level to encourage success. If someone handed you a book written in Latin and told you to enjoy it, you wouldn't, would you? Take him to the library and let him choose a book he can read well. The librarian can point you to popular books on his reading level.
Good luck.

I've read that $277, $500, $900, $1250... Are all too much for CS. I'm wondering what do you think is a fair amount?

I feel for ya, sister. And, I, too am going broke helping support my skids. My SO had to give up his decent paying career in order to get custody of his kids. Their BM was trying to take them out of state. He fought for custody and was told by the court that he needed to find a job that would not keep him at work such long hours. So, he had to find another job that required less hours and, of course, pays less or say good-bye to his kids. He was the first man in our state to get custody of his kids (to give you an idea of the effort it took for him to even get custody). BM is supposed to pay CS but doesn't (that's a whole sep blog). My SO works really hard, never buys himself anything and spends all his time caring for his kids or participating in their activities. He's a good man that has had to make costly sacrifices to have his children. I would feel differently if he were reckless with his time and money.

So here I am - making good money and with a big heart. I don't want the kids to go hungry, eat only hot dogs for dinners or wear rags for clothes and be made fun of at school. They are appreciative of everything little thing I do for them.

BM doesn't buy them clothes or hardly feed them. They come home from time with her starving and either wearing the same thing they had on 3 days before (and have clearly worn those clothes all weekend) or in rags.

I don't have a perfect answer. However, I created a budget and I track every dollar we spend each month. We go over it 2-3x a month so we're both clear of where we are against the budget and where we need to cut back. Opening up the books has helped a lot. Prior to the budget and discussions it was "out of sight out of mind" for him and he tended to underestimate what was being spent. I hope that helps.

I'm in the same situation as you are Baseballgirly. We pay a massive amount of CS (1000k plus a month) it was based on DH previous employment that he had to give up due to medical reasons. We filed a modification but have to wait until November for a hearing. 6 months after we filed the paperwork! She has objected to the modification claiming that we have taken expensive trips out of town - we take the kids to musuems and fun stuff in CO, or we go camping in the mountains. That we took an expensive trip to MO - we took the kids to see their paternal grandparents who had not seen the skids in 2 years - she blocked every previous attemt he made to go visit. And she claims we bought a new car - we did, we sold our motorcyle to raise the $300 bucks for the car. We had the kids for 8 weeks over the summer but we still paid FULL support to her AND had to buy summer clothes and everything else the kids needed. I had to work full time over the summer to provide those things as all DH wage brought home after her CS was paid was $9.

We hear all the stories about the regular fast food dinners they get, the trips to restaurants and the new TV, carpet, Fridge, Freezer, bed, tv in their room, cable all over the house etc etc etc. She refuses to send the kids any clothes when they come for visits and the rags she sends them in break my heart. Toys are forbidden to leave her home!

I got tired of the ss9 always asking why we could not go to Burger King, Taco Bell or Subway when Mom takes us all the time. Why he can't have that toy or new clothes and why all his clothes at our house don't fit him and why don't we just go buy him some new ones. I got tired of it so finally when I overheard him telling his friend that we 'live in a crappy trailer and his Mom has a nice house' I snapped. I told him we pay CS, I told him we pay a lot of CS and who exactly is paying for those lovely things that Mom does - we pay for it!

I'm about to be custodial SM to an year-old wrestling with FH on the floor and begging for my help to save him from his father, while his father tells me they're bonding. Just a normal Sunday afternoon in our house. We don't receive CS from his mom. He is able to go to therapy because I help make it happen. He needs it, so I don't mind. If he was rude to me, I'd probably mind. Generally, he's a really good kid, so I don't mind. If I were unappreciated, then the bonus of the benefits I can help provide would probably disappear because both FH and I agree that it is not my responsibility. FDH works 60 hours a week. He'd have more for kiddo if he wasn't finishing paying off debt from his marriage to his mother. But, he works hard, and doesn't waste money on stupid things. He takes his lunch every day to work, and saves money where he can. And, he says thank you. They both do. His mom does not buy him shoes, pay for insurance she's supposed to carry on him, help with his medical bills, provide lunch for school, pay for clothes. She complains when he needs new clothes, but does nothing to help with it, and expects clothes to be sent to herself. He needs a new winter coat. She's made sure to mention it, but made no offer. That's not fair, but it is what it is, and we are able to provide everything he needs.

PS - last time SKID called asking for money she said "but my mom has TWO other kids to support as YOU know" to her dad...funny...funny...even though she knew that dad paid CS, although I don't know that she knows how much...hmmm...she of course forgot that dad has another kid to support too...but that's irrelevant in an skids world or in a CP world...only the kids who live in the CP home, even if they are NOT my DHs, deserve support...

The good thing is that CS ends eventually!! BM just took DH back to court to get CS raised. We're now paying approx. $1,200/mo for one kid. He got a really large bonus in March, which they figured into his income. Personally, I don't think bonuses should be included because next year he could get 0...and, why should BM benefit cuz DH worked his tail off?? He was still paying around $1,000 for one kid before the bonus. When CS stopped for SD(now)19, it did not get cut in half. We also pay for a LOT of extras for them. Oh well, they are his children and it's not forever.

If you want to talk about the costs of psychologists, parenting time coordinators, and attorneys, I will GLADLY bitch about THAT! Those costs infuriate me!

I agree, he should be making more of an effort. I'd try notes on the refrigerator, (insert name) please follow the clues to find your reward, the reward is for READING the clue. Leave a set of clues that he HAS to read in order to find a reward. Gradually increase the vocabulary in the clues and watch him learn!

A few questions for those venting.
If your relationship fails, would you go after CS?
If it were"too high" would you demand it be lowered?

If your ex had another child, would you go to court to have CS decreased in order to help out the new family?