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Fixing to call off my wedding..... makes me so sad.

JJlove's picture

Submitted by JJlove on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 3:33pm

Ok, a little backstory:
My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 yrs now. Been to counseling,etc. I have a son 7, that I brought into this, he has 2 kids 8,13 that he brought into this and we had one daughter together-3. I am 28 and he is 36.
We are supposed to get married on Dec 3rd. My soon to be step son has fabricated lies and told his mother and rather than anyone,(including my fiance) coming to me since I am the adult to ask me what happened...they are believing him. BM won't let him come over anymore bc she says he is "scared for his safety"!! SS hates me bc I have rules in my house that no one else does. BM has no rules and his step dad is the "cool guy" that let's him run at the pool, etc! I expect yes ma'aam's, yes sir's, pleases and thank you's and my rules will not change just because SS doesn't like it!
Long story short- BM is RUINING any chance of this wedding happening. She is horrible. SS is violent and is maniuplative and no-one sees it but me and my family. SS comes over and my son gets hurt everytime! I can't enter into a marriage when my fiance does everything he can just to not piss her off. Totally kisses her ass- etc. It's so horrible.
I'm so scared this is what life will be like. I knew what I was getting into however, it's become unbearable and not acceptable. I try and channel my anger and then since I am not allowed to discipline SS, I end up taking it out on my own kids- which is so wrong!
I love my fiance, but he is not handling this right. He never agrees with anything I say about it. Our life revolves around BM and SS. I feel scared and alone. Love may not be enough.....
I feel helpless and sad. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Comments

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 3:41pm

Have you considered any kind of PREmarital counseling? I think maybe if you can sit down with him and an unrelated 3rd party, maybe you will both learn a little something about each other, and how you each deal with stepfamily issues...

JJlove's picture

Submitted by JJlove on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 3:44pm

Yes we have been in pre-marital counseling for about a year now. It's gets better for a little while, and then goes right back to the same old stuff.

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 3:45pm

Oh hon, I'm so sorry! Maybe callign off the wedding is best right now. I KNOW the feeling, my bf's D is the same way-my kids always get hurt.

I'm finding our future more bleak by the day and it's heartbreaking to be losing a chance w/the man I love over everythign revolving around SD and BM's wishes. I totally feel for you.

heartnsoule's picture

Submitted by heartnsoule on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 3:52pm

I am sorry...this hurts very much I am sure.
If the dad does not support you in this then you may be making the right choice.
The bad part of this is, you two have a child together sooooooooo......your daughter will still have to be around this and you wont be there all the time with her. I am not saying stay or get married, its just something else to think about.
It is not fair to your son to always get hurt. How does he feel about this? If you leave how will he feel? Good luck~~~~~

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 4:03pm

If you are going to walk, now is the time.

If you are going to stay, I would recommend a couple of books:

Stepmonster
and
Divorce Poison

JJlove's picture

Submitted by JJlove on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 4:15pm

Thank you for the book recommendations. I'm so torn. Part of me says- stay and stick it out for our family. The other says to get out because this crap is unbearable and I'm miserable.

Sonomama30's picture

Submitted by Sonomama30 on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 6:44pm

after reading your post, you sounded like me about 2 years ago. BM was running our lives and ss6 lives with us and has for 3 years. if he wont stand up to her now after 6 years, he NEVER WILL. if your ss is causing you and your fiance problems maybe you should all go to counceling with your ssif he is the major issue. me and my ss didnt hit it off at first because bm was jealous that i was in the pic and also a great mother to my daughter5. talk to your fh and tell him that you will make 3 attempts to try to "bond" with your ss. have some alone quality time you and your ss, NO ONE ELSE. the reason why he is getting under your skin is probably because bm knows your wedding is close and she is talking shit to ss and making him not like you. give it 3 tires and if your fh isnt on board with you now, after 6 years, re think alot of your future.

JJlove's picture

Submitted by JJlove on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:25pm

Also just found out that BM went and had an appt with OUR marriage counselor today! Granted she is a family therapist and BM and SS have gone in before to see her about a year ago. But why the hell is BM going to our counselor about parenting issues going on in OUR HOUSE!?!?
This is a total conflict of interest and now I feel like I can't go back to my counselor. (who is a friend as well) WTF? Get your own counselor! We live in Austin Texas for crying out loud! Am I being irrational?

majka's picture

Submitted by majka on Fri, 07/08/2011 - 7:10am

Sigh... I can only say that I do not believe it get better. Maybe for some people, I dont know.

The thing is though you already have a child with this man, therefore even if you WERE to leave the situation, you would still have to see him on a regular basis. I think that if I were in your situation it would be very difficult because you did state that you love him dearly, so it would be near impossible (in my mind) to see the one I love regularly, and not be with him. I feel for you, this is a tough situation. I think that I would have to fall out of love with my DH to make seeing him every day but not being with him bearable.

And WTF I would change counselor! No way in hell I would be going to the same person as the BM. I can imagine what lies she would spread. BTW, does the BM know that you attend the same counselor?

JJlove's picture

Submitted by JJlove on Fri, 07/08/2011 - 2:06pm

Yes! BM knows that is OUR counselor! I talked to my counselor yesterday and told her how I felt about it and my counselor said she started seeing us first, so if it makes me uncomforatable- she will not see her anymore. But BM is just so unbelievable!! Seriously- get a life and stay out of mine!!!!!!!!!!!!

paul_in_utah's picture

Submitted by paul_in_utah on Fri, 07/08/2011 - 7:34am

I've received the false accusations from my SD17, so I know where you are coming from. They were baseless of course, but I find it amazing that so many adults will accept the word of a child over an adult, not only without question, but without bothering to even speak to the adult. Frustrating.

Also, what others have said is true: it is just about impossible for a blended family to work unless you are on the same page as your spouse. My DW and I are **not** on the same page, but it is bearable because I am gone for work a lot, and get at least some one-on-one time with DW when I do get to see her.

JJlove's picture

Submitted by JJlove on Fri, 07/08/2011 - 2:12pm

:sick: So yesterday my fiance had to take SS to the dermatologist and BM was supposed to pick him up there. She of course gets there early and they do the whole "doctor as a family" thing. Discusting! It seriously makes me sick. My fiance of course doesn't see it that way at all- he just said he stayed at the appt because he never gets to go to any of SS dr. appts. HELLO!- you got a divorce so some things you don't get to do anymore! I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. :sick:

JJlove's picture

Submitted by JJlove on Mon, 07/11/2011 - 10:35am

PLEASE READ, NEED HELP.:( So the wedding is called off. Fiance is so unbelievable. He says I am just blaming everyone else and taking none of the blame. Apparently if I would have just been nice to SS then none of this would be happening. I just told him that BM's behavior is outrageous and he is allowing it to happen- fiance's response was: "how is your behavior?" So he basically just compared me to her!!
Me and our two kids were gone over the weekend and fiance BEGGED us to come back home yesterday. So we did and fiance was with SS all day until 10pm. So the kids and I did another movie/popcorn night by ourselves. BM has told fiance that SS is not allowed over to our house until further notice. BM sends fiance texts like "you need to pick SS right now and come pick him up because he needs to see you." Meanwhile, our other 2 kids are at home waiting for him to get here.
While we were gone, kids wanted to tell fiance good night, so we called and I guess he didnt know that he had answered the phone...I sat there for 10 minutes listening to fiance TRASH me to our neighbors that we are really good friends with. They of course went right along with it and it hurt so bad. (they are gay- but still guys)
Our 7 yr old son is picking up on ALOT of this and it's just not healthy. (actually he is my son, but thinks fiance is his dad- so I really feel guilty about all this.) Normally, the kids and I would move in with my parents, but they moved into a small duplex and there is seriously NO room for us. Also, I don't want to change my son's school. He needs some sort of stability and he loves his school. I wish fiance would just move out. He won't though. He is in training to be a firefighter in our town- so it's not like he can go far. I feel so stuck.
Our counselor wants to meet with fiance one on one, and we found this out on Thursday. Here it is 10am Monday morn and fiance hasn't even made an attempt to contact counselor yet. He says he is taking this seriously, and he's sorry he hasn't done it on "my time frame". Whatever.
All of this discusts me and I wish he would leave.