SD's wedding
I'm not invited to my stepdaughter's wedding. SD conveniently set the date for during the first week of the school year, so there's no chance I could go. I thought she might just leave it at that, but last night she told DH that if I did attend, she and her fiance would just go to the courthouse and skip the ceremony. That's what SS28 did to avoid the drama, so I wouldn't put it past SD. DH didn't get to see either of his sons get married. SS31 didn't invite him because of issues between DH and the skids' maternal grandmother. SS28 didn't even tell his Dad he was getting married until after the fact.
All DH would say to me is that he doesn't want to miss his only daughter's wedding. He knows how upset I am, but I also acknowledge he is SD's only living parent and if I stand in his way, things are only going to get worse. It's not worth fighting over and SD picked the perfect time where I really cannot attend. I know she did this on purpose, even DH knows she did it on purpose. He's mad about this.
What I'm really having trouble with my biokids' reaction. They're really starting to understand their stepsiblings want NOTHING to do with them. I don't know what to tell them.
My daughter especially is hurt that she can't go to SD's wedding. My daughter was 7 when DH and I got married, SD was 17. My daughter idolized her new stepsister, and during their limited time together SD was always very nice to my daughter. My stepkids have never been rude or nasty to our face, they will talk behind our back, disappear and refuse to talk to DH, but outwardly they are polite, so my daughter doesn't understand how her stepsiblings really feel. All she remembers is her cool 'big sister' she met 8 years ago, not that they've spoken since. My kids know there have been issues with DH's kids, that they never visit or call... but the nasty stuff I've left them out of. I don't think they understood that we really aren't welcome to visit them and it's not just the wedding.There's no going to see SS31's new baby when she's born... nothing. DH will go out there on his own and that's it.
My kids have a great relationship with DH, he's far more their father than their biodad, but I feel like it's being diminished by the selfishness of his biological children. My kids just want to be part of this family. It would mean the world to them if their stepsiblings would just include them. Family weddings are supposed to be events to invite all your family to. Only they won't. It makes me so angry they have this power just to dictate how things will be and insist we are excluded from their lives entirely.
I just never thought this would be so hard. Going forward, I just wonder if it's always going to be like this. Everything separate. DH going to visit his kids on his own, me staying at home with my kids. I always imagined big family holidays with all the kids and grandkids around. It's hard to accept that's not going to happen.
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Comments
My stepkids have never been
My stepkids have never been rude or nasty to our face
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Curious of how it got to the point of them hating you, if they were always nice to your face...? Dont know the back story.
EDIT to add. Nevermind. I remember your blog now. I will just step out of this one also.
They have a lot of little
They have a lot of little excuses they use, but really... they hate me because I married their father a year after their mother died. They couldn't handle their father was being happy with a new wife and being dad to my kids. They were off at college and DH and I built a life together... SD left our house after high school and didn't speak to DH directly for several years. All the 3 kids were okay before/during the wedding, but after SD left the house, none ever visited again, and DH had minimal contact with any of them for 4-5 years. All 3 skids have let DH back into their lives, but only him. If he wants to see them, he visits them on the opposite coast.
SMofknowitall, Why should
SMofknowitall,
Why should Christag be bothered? it was her husband's choice, she didn't twist his arm. I doubt she had him tied up in the basement so he couldn't go. But then again, you might have to admit that it might be someone OTHER than the Stepmom's fault, and I am beginning to believe that this is outside your scope of reality.
Also, possibly, and more likely from what I have read on this blog, his teens were assholes who resented their new stepmom and figured they would make dad pay.
I have to say, reading your responses to other people I really wonder how your brain makes SUCH leaps of logic and infers things that aren't there. I read something else of yours today where by the time you were done the whole story had changed. Its the strangest thing I have ever seen.
Your idea of act like a
Your idea of act like a family is for a stepmom to take shit off her stepkids and smile and ask for more. No thanks, that might be your MO(and I don't believe you are a stepmom) but not mine. My mother didn't raise a doormat.
I don't only care about my
I don't only care about my kids. I care about my husband. I want us all to be a family. I'm not like some of the other stepmoms on her, I would never have married my husband if he was not going to at least try to be a father figure to my kids. But I also had no intentions of blowing off his kids. I might have been a bit idealistic about how our families could blend, but I had no interest in driving my stepkids away.
What I haven't mentioned in any of my blog posts is much of the angst between my stepkids/their father/ and me was caused by the stepkids' maternal grandmother, who believed to her dying breath that I had an affair with DH and we got together weeks after his wife's death, which wasn't true. The skids don't believe that either, but she was the one poisoning them against me, no differently than many biomoms use parental alienation against their exs. She would have been happy if the skids' never spoke to their father again. It wasn't until "Grandma's' funeral that DH and his kids really reconsiled.
I fully admit making mistakes, not everything was 'Grandma's fault'. But I also don't know how to get past those mistakes nor can I change the fact DH and I married so quickly after his first wife's death. I honestly think this is something many other wives of widowers face, adult stepchildren who hate them simply because they have unresolved issues regarding their mother's death. For me, my stepkids have far more issues about their father being too distant while their mother was sick. Their mother had a long drawn out illness and I don't think everything surrounding that has ever been dealt with. That's why they are so resentful of anytime my husband spent with my kids.
I find it off Snow that in
I find it off Snow that in over a year here you haven't created blogs-but have gotten on everyone elses blog to attack stepmoms repeatedly. Do you have a purpose on here? What is your story and dilemma, did I miss it somehow?
I doubt you get an answer.
I doubt you get an answer. Every time someone asks her that question, she never goes back to the blog and responds.
Sometimes I think that too,
Sometimes I think that too, and then I see her give others, especially new people, the most ridiculous advice. I just picture a SM, at the end of her rope, posting that her SK's hate her and have killed her dog and getting a response like "well you must have done something to make that happen, because those poor wonderful stepchildren could not have done it unless you MADE them do it. Now go beg their forgiveness for even HAVING a dog."
I totally agree. My SK's have
I totally agree.
My SK's have treated my husband, their dad, horribly. Why would I love that? I am surprised that he still can. But just because I married him doesn't mean I love his kids, why would I? I didn't tell him he had to love mine. I was willing to try to like them, respect their relationship with their father, and be an adult figure in the house that could help take care of them. if love came with it, so be it.
So I don't like them. I don't have one bit of a problem telling them to their faces. I actually think its funny that they just assume that I am SUPPOSED to like them and that I am upset when they don't come over. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Please, God, let SD25/easy
Please, God, let SD25/easy bake baby oven/golden uterus NOT invite me if she ever finds someone dumb enough to marry her! I do not want to be any part of that situation. You know the show "Bridezillas"? Well, set it up in a trailer park, buy the food with food stamps, and invite all of the baby daddys.....THAT is what we'd be dealing with. NO THANKS!!!!!!!
Sometimes you don't get what
Sometimes you don't get what you wish for. And this is probably for a good reason. These kids don't like you for stepping into their mother's shoes while they were still getting used to her not being around. Is it fair to punish your children as well? Of course not. But at least they are not living down the road and ignoring you all completely.
Just enjoy the family you have because this is what it is. YOUR family. Not the dream of being the Brady Bunch and if they only gave you a chance .... their maternal grandmother put the poison in their heads while she was mourning the loss of her daughter.
Look, have nothing to do with the older stepkids. In time the law of averages will have one of them being on their own and maybe starting out in a blanded family and THEN they will get an idea of what they inflicted on you.
If your daughter asks why her older stepsister isn't around, she moved for work and has a new life on the East Coast. And the wedding will be quite small really so we don't need to go.
Have nothing to do with them. Be a good wife and a good mother.
20 somethings can be very selfish and so superior to everyone else. But life will throw them into the same kind of trouble they inflicted on you. It has a funny way of happening like that.
You seem like good person so enjoy YOUR family life where it is as it is and stop mourning for the 'family' you dreamed about.
And wait for Karma to bite some butt!