GOOD BMs
Many of us SMs were actually BMs and raised our children successfully.
I noticed that several of us here are actually OLDER women who have grown, independent, emotionally healthy children who have gotten mixed up with YOUNGER men that are guilty daddies. Neither they nor the psycho PASinator BM know how to properly parent. And if they did they wouldn't due to laziness.
Anyway I wanted to write down the characteristics of GOOD BMs
1. Are able to see through their own children's attempts at manipulation
2. Spend quality time with their children, teaching them OUTSIDE the arena of school
3. Usually receive little to no CS if divorced or non-intact
4. Don't view their children as the key to uber CS
5. Train and guide their children on a regular basis (little pruning nips consistently not big lops after the fact)
6. Have regard for their children's eating and sleeping habits as well as activity requirements
7. Put in the work and time necessary; never coping out and making the TV/Computer/Cell phone the babysitter
8. Don't give their children "adult spousal status" but keep traditional parent/child boundaries
9. Emphasize manners and good behaviour continuously
10. Encourage children to do things for themselves and be independent. Realize children will be adults someday and not just "coochie woochie" dress up dolls/trophies
11. Are not interested in "getting back" at biodad via the children. Consider this juvenile at best.
Feel free to add on.
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Comments
12. See their children as
12. See their children as their responsibility to raise to productive adulthood, not as pawns in their quest for revenge!
Read number 4
Read number 4
You've missed the point
You've missed the point entirely.
And many have missed the word "USUALLY" as a qualifier.
^^This. The rest of the list
^^This. The rest of the list (including #4) makes total sense, but I don't think receiving or not receiving CS makes a good or bad mother. I received it for the first couple of years and now I don't (we split custody 50/50 and both renounced CS) but it didn't make me a bad mother or a money grubber. I cared for DD 85-90% of the time and had to pay for her - her dad needed to chip in, and he did.
13. Are not interested in
13. Are not interested in being their kids "pals" or ensuring that there children are completely filled with joy at all times, but are more focused on teaching them to be responsible human beings even if that upsets them at times.
**Like** O/T DH read article
**Like**
O/T DH read article on pepper sprayed 8 yrs old and was appalled. One skid is violent/temper tantrums and DH is in denial big time.
Only in the fact that I've
Only in the fact that I've noticed we have some BMs on here that are older (before all the draconian CS rules came out in the nineties) who have raised their children successfully without it.
Then to turn around and get hooked up with a younger man who has a greedy ex and knows no bounds as far as money grubbing via CS.
My tagline for quite a while was "the percentage of a man's income paid to CS is inversely proportionate with the amount of parenting going on at CP BMs."
While not always the case, it seems that narcissistic psycho PASinator BMs also happen to be money grubbing, greedy, "only see the child as a way to get CS" types.
I have nothing against
I have nothing against receiving CS. I have a problem with those BMs who view their children merely as a "prop" to get CS.
If you're being honest with yourself, you too would be highly suspicious of a BM whose children are all failing in school, act like chimps on crack but yet receiving a massive CS payment when you did it all on your own successfully w/o the aid of CS.
methinks thou doth protest too much.
Chiming in on Child Support -
Chiming in on Child Support - uses child support wisely and not as sole income...
^^That is my opinion as well.
^^That is my opinion as well. Mothers who choose not to work and expect that CS will support them AND their child(ren) are delusional and need a reality check.
Exactly. I see some
Exactly. I see some completely missed the grammatical qualifier "usually" in number three.
I think they may have eliminated the "critical thinking" class in English/Language Arts sometime after 1978.
I agree with you
I agree with you SMofKnowitall. I didn't receive much child support when my children were young because I had a deadbeat dad that did everything he could to hide his income. He was self-employed.
My husband pays more than $2,000.00 a month plus 50% of uninsured medical expenses, and tuition to catholic school for his two daughters.
His girls are doing very well in school and have been able to participate in traveling sporting activities. They are very good kids and I'm very glad they get to do those things.
My girls went to public school. They did well, but the education my husband's kids are getting is so much better. My girls could not participate in many things because I simply could not afford it on my own and their father figured that he paid (minimal)CS so he wasn't paying one dime extra.
Between the two of us, my girls should have been able to go to a private school and they should have been able to participate in whatever they wanted. We made great money in total, but I couldn't prove his income.
I firmly believe that both parents have a responsibility to their children even beyond child support. I also think that many people don't understand that even though the money doesn't leave the CP's pocket, he or she is still responsible for their percentage of the child support figure established in the guidelines. If dad makes more money, it stands to reason his percentage of cs is going to be higher.
Maybe if the majority of the NCPs didn't quantify their relationships with their children on money, we wouldn't need such flawed domestic relations and mandatory cs.
Here is my point to clear it
Here is my point to clear it up once and for all.
Those who see their children as a means to get CS usually have horrendous parenting "methods" and are not good BMs.
For example:
I am very suspicious of the Behemoth in that having her CS knocked down to $1000 a month AND having pocketed over $4K of supposed "out of pocket ortho fees" via CS (she was supposed to pay $4K and GG was supposed to pay $4K; instead she tricked GG into paying $8k by being dishonest) AND continuing to pocket daycare expenses via CS (daycare ceased over a year ago)
THAT said Behemoth, instead of using CS for tutoring as all three skids are badly failing school, she pulls them OUT of school for vacations as frequent as the Obamas.
Behemoth=BAD BM
Pats self on the back...I
Pats self on the back...I think I'm check on most everything except for No.6...I think I am really falling down on the job with BS15..I get on his ass about his eating habits and sleeping too much because he stays up too late but I am having a really hard time of it
Aut...I know you could write
Aut...I know you could write a book...some of the stuff you write on here is fantastic girl!
My SD17 once screamed at DH
My SD17 once screamed at DH 'All your child support does is pay the rent!!!!' Hello? It's child support, not alimony, so it all shouldn't be going to pay rent in the first place.
Of course BM is sitting at home Facebook whoring all day, while DH is paying CS for 2 kids & one of them lives with us.
4 months, 1 week & 1 day & counting until she is 18!!!!
I can't wait to see what BM does then. It's going to be some kind of entertaining. }:)
I feel I raised my two grown
I feel I raised my two grown up BDs successfully. One is married with a job and a baby, and the other is working and lives with her boyfriend. They are both well balanced, likeable individuals, I feel - they have their faults, don't we all.
My (younger) DH sometimes says he doesn't want to hear about how I raised my girls when I say for instance, I would not have allowed them to do something that he or the BM allows my teenage SDs to do. This makes me quite angry and feel excluded from input into his parenting, which I feel I have a right to do, as well as a lot of experience. I am quite disengaged as an SM - generally I zip my trap and say nothing. But it irks me that I have to.
Great post. Here's my
Great post.
Here's my addition:
Good BMs love their kids more than they hate Dad and SM.
Please be my BM!!!
Please be my BM!!!
HAHA! This reminded me of a
HAHA! This reminded me of a convo I had with my SS (who is well aware of his BM's hatred towards me):
SS: My mom won't let me work more hours than I already am.
ME: Why not?
SS: She's concerned about my schoolwork.
ME: She's RIGHT!
SS: (jaw on floor)
ME: School SHOULD be your number 1 priority right now! I'll tell you what you should do. Continue to keep your grades as good or better than they are now. Then when you get your NEXT report card, ask your mom again. I bet she would let you work more then.
[Of course, the ENTIRE time I am hoping that SS will wonder why BM is making SD work so many hours that she dropped OUT of school her senior year...one day he will see the true light! }:) ]
Wish you were my SS11's BM.
Wish you were my SS11's BM. He pulled similar crap on me, calling her to complain because I'd had enough of his bad behavior/bad attitude over homework, and banished him from my office (I work from home). Instead of her trying to talk to me, to find out what happened, she took SS11's side and called DH to complain about me being mean to "her boy". Since then, I've chosen to not deal with her at all. No more nice stepmom, no more favors, no more copies of school stuff, pictures etc. DH can do that and if he doesn't, not my problem!
The true indicator of whether
The true indicator of whether or not the CS has anything to do with parenting is if you could figure out somehow if they'd want to "raise" the child if they WEREN'T getting CS...
I've heard of plenty of CPs who willingly let their children go live with the other parent when the other parent promises to keep paying CS ANYWAY...
CS has its place. But there
CS has its place. But there are times when it is not right, fair or just to give a BM (or a DH) child support, even where the law requires it. This idea that it's always right because "the law says" is crap. There are lots of things that the law allows that are not right.
CS is awarded based on a formula or set legal principles that have nothing to do with the realities of any given situation. This is expressly because the legislators have decided as a matter of family law policy that courts do not have the time or resources to sort through the equities in every circumstance. There are just too many divorces. Therefore a formula (or fixed principles) have been adopted in order to save the state's resources, so that judges don't have to make subjective calls in each individual case. This system works fairly in many circumstances. But in other circumstances, people get screwed. People who work really hard for everything they have.
Just because it's technically "legal" doesn't necessarily make it right. There are lots of really bad ideas out there that have been or are legal. Anyone who really understands how and why certain ideas make it into statutes or case law understands this. If you think CS is fair in a particular circumstance, great. Perhaps it is. But that doesn't make CS fair or right in all circumstances.
I would like to add as
I would like to add as another poster talked about co-parenting with the SM.
I am a great BM in all those aspects, but I also respect my BD's SM & her role as a parent in my BD's life. I respect her and trust her and SM knows it. The other day i try to take BD11's phone to charge it. She says I can't take it. I am like why? She says that her SM goes thru BD11's & SM's BD11's phones. I said - so - she is your parent & has every right to go thru your phone ... now give me your phone so i can charge it. haha. SM does call me & respect my feelings of issues in re to my BD11. I do recall an incident where BD was being a booger to SM & SM told BD .... do i need to call your BM? BD said no & straightened up. We had a good laugh ...