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What do you do --- Stay or call it quits??

Darltk's picture

Submitted by Darltk on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 9:29am

I don't have many people to talk to about this and sometimes you just need opinions from people who deal with the same issues. So here it goes.....This is our second marriage. I have been married for 7 years now and I have been seriously thinking about calling it quits due to 2 issues. The first issue is the stepdaughter and the second one is how needy my wife is. The wife has no friends that she goes out with and wants it to be just me all the time. It is like I am a substitute for her daughter. She is also bad with money. I save and have a plan to pay off bills, she just wings it. We have since separated bills due to this mentality. She works from home and wants regular attention when I come home. I work a full time job and teach parttime and sometimes I want to be alone. Second is that I have a 22 year old stepdaughter who has never liked me. I have not tried to be an actual father but to try to show her that I care. Her father has never been in her life. Any issues I report to her mother. She finished college in the summer of 2009 and she is mostly at home. She has a low paying job but does not contribute. She does NOTHING around the house and never has. I told her mother that she should move with her grand parents or leave if she did not like me and her mom said that she is not going anywhere. The mother has never tried to change things. I have been staying in a separate room for 6 months since I feel nothing will change and to make a point. The home was the only thing that she knew was making me stay and I am now short selling the home. I received an offer which is good. She wants to know if we are moving together. I told her maybe but the stepdaughter is not coming with me to the new place. Other than being needy the wife is ok. I don't ask for much and I do not have demands such as cooking, cleaning or laundry. If she does them I am appreciative. If not, I fend for myself. I know I am a good person. I do things spontaneously, buy her stuff, we travel once a year, go out on the town, clean, yard work or do whatever needs to be done. We did go to counceling a few times. I had a meeting with her and the Stepdaughter(SD) and the SD avoided me because she thought I would say something to her again. I mentioned that she acts as if I did something to her and she pretty much stated she has only wanted it to be her and her mom. This is really childish. My delimma is, Should I call it quits or work it out?

Comments

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 9:57am

I'm not going to advise you to stay or to go. I will say this...at least sd is graduating from college. This is a VERY good time for you to broach the subject of "what's next"? If your wife is as needy as you make her sound she'll be open to suggestions here. Considering leaving is giving SD what she wants - she wants it to be just her and mom. IF you're okay with leaving and you don't love your wife, fine, let her have her way BUT if you love your wife then you need to say "you know what? THAT is NOT an option" and then let her know what her options are 1) stay, pay rent and help around the house (although it sounds like you do not necessarily expect your wife to chip in on this front, which may undermine this) OR 2) leave. Those are her only two options. There is no option where she stays and doesn't pay her way and gets to be just her and mom in your house. This gives your wife the option to agree or disagree with you but your rules need to be firm. You need to let her know that you've made up your mind regarding rules and she is either with you or she isn't, but it is her choice.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 9:58am

If you had a child together, I would say "f#$%k" the SD and focus on your relationship with your wife and child...but since you don't...I'd say, get out...I would never put up with such disrespect in my own home from someone who I am supporting...

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 10:15am

I don't see anywhere where you say "you love your wife'...sounds like a cold relationship to me. If your wife is needy now, just imagine how she will be if her daughter is not living with you. Everything sounds black or white...are there no gray areas in this marriage...like 'I love her to death...but...'??

Rainbow.Bright's picture

Submitted by Rainbow.Bright on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 10:31am

Have you asked of her what you need? If you have given her the road map of what you need to be happy and she blatently refuses to follow it, then you have your answer. If you just expect her to read your mind, then you are in the wrong.

Give her a chance, tell her what you need and why you need it. Ask her if she willing to give it to you, and her answer is your answer.

Angel72's picture

Submitted by Angel72 on Thu, 01/28/2010 - 11:36am

If you stay with her, sd doesn't come with you for sure.
but i personally would leave. Why?
1. wife is ok...mmmm...doesn't sound like you love her very much , just its ok to have a companion....if that is the case, just have her as a friend.
2. you have been sleeping sep for 6 months....and she's fine with that?
3. SHe sounds like she stays with you for support and nothing else. In other words she depends on you financially and emotionally and doesn't have the motivation to do things for herself without you. i personally do not like characters like this. Because i feel like i get used. For everything! I too , am the type who likes alone time and thank God my dh is not stuck to my hip!
Honestly from what you wrote, you are an outgoing guy, financially responsible always thinking of the future who wants a partner of equal value in thought and emotions to share his life. The wife you describe to me in not your equal and for that reason alone i would leave.