Advice? I'm New to All of This.
My husband and I just got married. He has two adult children (20s) and one teenager, who I adore. The two adult children want me at no family events that they will attend, such as Thanksgiving dinners and Christmas morning, and truth be told, this is totally crushing.
Advice?
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Is there any back story on
Is there any back story on why they don't want you involved? Are these events also attended by their bio mother?
If so, the clear answer is for you and your new DH to establish your own holiday and event traditions.. you can invite his daughters but the eX? nope.
Unfortunately, the biggest card to be played is how their father handles this.
What is he inclined to do? Will he backbone up and tell his kids that he expects his wife to be included? Will he insist you be treated civilly in your own home?
I understand it's hurtful for us stepparents when the kids don't like us for no real reason (as far as we know). Often the EX is behind some of the bitterness.. the kids align with her.. or are in some loyalty bind and feel they have to "hate who mom hates".. but ultimately, if they have a good relationship with their father.. they should want him to be happy.
What involvement in his life did the kids and you have prior to getting married? again.. understanding what might be driving this could be the best way to understand how to move forward.
This is going to be a hill to died on
DH must take a stand if you are not invited, he will not go. I anycase if BM the ex is involved, he will not go. He got divorced, what means family events as holidays with BM is no more. You can invite the kids the day after the holiday at your home if you want.
You can not expect his kids to snub there BM. This is what the results of a new relationship, new transductions . A new way of your family doing things. Or he's not ready for a new relationship, But I would not take a second seat. I would not be second place.
Welcome to the site!
Where will these "Thanksgiving dinners and Xmas morning" be held? At your place? Obviously they can't ban you from your own house. At BM's? Obviously neither you nor your DH would attend. The only remaining place would be the adult SKID's houses. It is unacceptable for them to invite their father and exclude you - undoubtedly your new husband will have your back in this???? I do hope so.
Yeah, what kind of "Christmas
Yeah, what kind of "Christmas Morning" stuff are we talking about with grown adults? Please tell me that DH isn't donning matching PJs and watching these adults open presents with their mommy. Wtf.
DH and I created our own
DH and I created our own holiday traditions, such as having holidays at my family members' homes or renting mountain cabins and inviting people there. We had one holiday with the skids and it was one of the worst holidays of my life that I still feel PTSD over. lol.
New marriage; new life. What does your DH think? I think he needs to reimagine holidays.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
The Skidults can F-off. Go to
The Skidults can F-off.
Daddy needs some balls. He will go to eveything and his bride will be at his side and he at hers. PERIOD! DOT!
The Skidults will say and do nothing. They have no spine for direct discussion of anything. All of those in the toxic blended family opposition are weaselly behind the back manipulators without the courage or intellect to effectively interface IRL. So, give them the choice of being dragged kicking and screaming into the light to face the real time IRL consequences of their bullshit, or, they can hide in the dark corners out of the light or the radiance of the great life you and their father are living, like the cockroaches they are.
Go to everything. Every holiday gathering, every event. You and DH be on each other's arm. Be radiant. Be engaging. Be positive as you share your amazing life and marriage together. Get a rockin dress from your favorite boutique, go to your favorite spa for a facial, mani, pedi, new hair style. And don't forget the sexy shoes. Preferably a brand that will make the toxic Skidults blanche with envy.
The toxic Skidults and anyone in the noxious gravitational pull of their black hole of toxicity will scurry like cockroaches when a light is thrown on in a roach fill room. Be the light. The roaches will scurry.
Live your best life. Living well is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, your DH, and to your quality Skid. Living your best life is also the best revenge.
Enjoy living both.
We have some of this type of thing with my IL clan. We deal with it by living our best life. When we go to SpermLand for holidays with my IL clan in DW's home town, we define our time, what we do, when we do it, and where it is done. We inform the whole IL clan and clearly invite them. We will book a large conference room, cater the meal from DW's favorite foodie place, and inform the whole IL clan of the what, when, and where, and that they can bring their favorite dish for everyone to enjoy. The mains and major side dishes will be provided via the caterer.
Invariably it goes pretty well though with some side smirks, subtle head shakes, etc... This usually is followed by a few years of them all collaborating on holidays and shuffling hosting between their homes. Those always end up with polarizing drama, hurt fee fees, family faction alignment, etc... Then... back to us filtering out the drama and not giving anyone any choice to bring toxicity to the gatherings. Interestingly, no one ever skips when we host a holiday in my ILs hometown. Also notable is that the drama is far less than when the collaborative team model is used. Invariably there is manipulation, someone trying to dictate to everyone else, etc...
We always have a back up in the event they all go no show on what we host. If it happens, we will take it all to the homeless kitchen. So far, they all attend and for some odd reason, there are no leftovers after they all make periodic trips to their cars in the parking lot.
So far, the whole IL clan attends, feasts, and mostly plays nice. At least at our events.
"SpermLand"?
Just out of curiosity, where (or what) is this? *ROFL*
My contemptuous name for DW's
My contemptuous name for DW's home State where the SpermClan and my IL clan live. DW left right after HS graduation with my SS (then 1yo) to attend university out of State. That is where we met. SS is nearing 32. We married the week before he turned 2yo. DW never went back to SpermLand except to visit her family. We visit my ILs fairly often. The drama that radiates from every stone, leaf, and dust mote is palpable.
SpermLand, is the People's Republic of Oregon. An incredibly beautiful place, though sadly home to a very large number of idiots. My bride is brilliant. There is no doubt in my mind that she is either a mutant or an alien. There is no other explanation for how she is so different from anyone in her home town and anyone in most of the other towns we have spend time in while there.
Details, Details
I'm sorry, but I'm reluctant to reveal too many specific details, as all three stepkids are keenly intelligent, and any one of them could stumble on to this public forum.
Anyway, my own homelife was pretty terrible--definitely worthy of an ACE score that might have put me in the "high-risk youth" category (and how I got to where I am now is a total mystery to me; 30 years of therapy and self-work, maybe?) I've had a fairly satisfying career, I guess you could say, but I've had no real family to speak of until now.
I want to be a part of this family. My own birth family is beyond nutters; I'm not exaggerating. I still hope to be on good terms with all three of my husband's children (as I have none of my own). Is this an unrealistic goal?
I want to be a part of this
I don't know how you get people who don't want you around to want to include you. I suppose you and your husband--or you--could ask to talk to the skids about this. I think it's way too easy for those of us who came from dysfunctional backgrounds to find other hurtful situations to be acceptable. I grew up being the (so-called) fixer, the negotiator, etc. That has bitten me in the ass in my adult life.
Being the Judge/Diplomat
MorningMia, I know this role well. Even when I was a very young child, I was called in to settle disputes and be the peacemaker. Lord knows the adults in that house were incapable of doing so.
But just because a situation is not as bad as the one you were born into does not make your current situation as good as it gets (or even good). I guess I'm in Do-No-Harm mode. I'm hoping that, as they grow older, my stepkids may find that we can be friends (like when they're in their 30s or 40s). I'm not holding my breath--but I also hope that self-control and going into "listening mode" when they're around may help me not say or do anything I might regret later. Remembering just how stupid I was then (and sometimes am now) can also be salutary.
I feel like I'm in that period of time between knocking on the door and the door opening. It may never open--but the door should be respected and not kicked in.
I just hate spending holidays and whatnot away from him and all of the extended family. I really like the members of this extended family--even his ex (go figure!) I like hanging out with the extended family when I can. They are not like my family at all, whom I have been known to actively avoid. But it sure did suck to just walk around in the snow by myself last Christmas. This is not something I look forward to doing for the rest of my life.
I fear that I will be somehow politely banished from every future celebration with his kids. That's not acceptible. As much as I love my husband, I think it's time for us to go to counseling and to confront this issue. A divorce attorney in the know once told me that most people don't go to marital counseling until it's too late. It's hardly too late! We've just begun. But we do need to talk about this before it becomes an accepted and expected pattern of behavior.
I responded to you in the
I responded to you in the forums, also. I cannot believe that any partner would be ok with leaving his SO or wife home alone during any holidays. I'm afraid that if you accepted this before marriage, they're all figuring you'll naturally accept it now that you're married. I'm glad you feel this is unacceptable--because it IS unacceptable. I think counseling would be a good idea. Counseling is always a good idea! :)
Sometimes details matter...
Sometimes details matter... at least in the context of what your realistic expectations are.
For example, if your DH cheated on his wife with you.. I would probably expect that the ability for his adult children to get past that is about zero.. unfortunately.. the kids often blame the partner vs the parent that actually did the cheat and leaving.. but it is what it is.. it's near impossible to get past unless the kids are very mature in understanding that their parent's marriage was likely over well before you were on the scene.
When they say "family events"..we would need to understand what you mean. Have your DH and his EX continued on with joint family holidays? playing happy family so to speak? It seems like his kids are all old enough to understand that their parent's break up means that mom and dad won't be waking them up together on Christmas morning. There can be a shuttle from house to house.. or alternate days to celebrate these special times.
For public ceremonies.. graduations and weddings etc.. you should be able to go with your DH as his spouse. He should insist on it.
I would NOT be party to going to his Ex's parent's home to celebrate thanksgiving and would not tolerate attending thanksgiving at HIS parent's home if they include the EX. I might end up at the same ball game as my DH's ex when he goes to watch his kid play..but we are not all going out for pizza after.. if you get my drift on how it should work.
Probably the best way to be on good terms is to not "try" to do anything. Be present.. be pleasant.. let your DH stand up for your right to be by his side.. you are his partner and he should insist you are respected as such. They don't have to love you.. but you can be kind and civil to each other.. that should be a basic expectation that your husband has set for his children.
Look, in spite of the past, I
Look, in spite of the past, I really like the ex--and adore her parents! I know that's not normal, but neither am I (some people I work with might say).
Love is the thing. "Love is a cosmic force," one of my favorite theologians said. Whatever love actually is, I would rather be a part of that wave than what tries to turn it back.
The ex left my husband (her husband then; what does "DH" stand for?) for someone else. I wasn't on the scene yet and didn't have anything to do with that, but the adult stepkids are possibly acting as if I caused the breakup. I did not. Maybe they don't know that.
Or maybe they don't care. Maybe they just always assumed that their father and mother would get back together, and that their father somehow deserved bad treatment.
Respect is (or should be) a component of love. I must respect their wishes, but try not to be hurt by them. My husband must also respect mine (not to be an "orphan" for every holiday or family celebration). This may seem like an impasse, but there's got to be a way to compromise. I can't give up hope on that just yet.
You are building your family.
You are building your family. You and DH are the core of that regardless of if the Skids join or not. Apparently one of the 3 is participating.
Is your goal unrealistic? Yes, it likely is. However, it is not a bad goal. Just do not get into the tragic habbit of continually serving yourself up on the altar of sacrificial martyrdom to your DH's failed family. That is no way to live your best life, nor is it a way to join the family you want to join.
I advise that rather than chasing them to join their family, set the tone of living well and they can choose to join your family, or not.
Key is you setting and defending the standards of behavior and standards of performance you hold yourself, your DH, and his failed family progeny to.
I am sorry your own family has been tragically disappointing for you. You have built a solid life for yourself, continue that journey, give DH clarity that you are continuing that journey and as your partner he will join your journey. Do not let any guilty/Disney daddy drama deviate you from that journey. If he is a man worthy of you, he will join you and he will help defend the hill of the great life journey you are on from all threats. Including from his own gene pool.
You are enough, far more than enough. Make sure DH is enough of a partner for you. His failed family spawn can either play nice and engage, or... they will suffer for being toxic. You can't fix people or a family that has no desire to be fixed. Do not break yourself in the effort.
IMHO of course.
There is a difference between
There is a difference between being welcoming to his children and chasing after them and prostrating.
I would be nice and pleasant.. until given absolute reason to not be.. lol.
DH should be the first to pipe up when he hears his kids say something unkind to his wife.. and tell them that talk is not acceptable in his home!
Yep, what ESMOD said.
Well put, Rags. Thank you.
Well put, Rags. Thank you.
“ Is this an unrealistic goal?”
Depends. Without any details, who knows? The main detail is your husband. If he has been fine with you being disrespected up until now, it probably is an unrealistic goal.
Not "Fine" with It
I wouldn't say he's "fine" with it--he has been quite tormented by all of this--but he's so afraid that they will walk out of his life forever. He desperately loves all three of his children.
Truth be told, I think he feels pulled in (at least) two different directions at once.
He is fine in that he has
He is fine in that he has made a choice. That choice puts you, in some way though we don't know details, out in the cold. His actions lead to you being treated as "not a full member of HIS family." And, as you said, the family you have with him is the only family you have. Maybe counseling will help you guys work through this. As bad as he may feel about it, no matter how much whining and hand-wringing he does, his actions are allowing you to be treated badly.
He needs to ask himself why
He needs to ask himself why he's OK with his children dictating the conditions of his marriage. He also needs to remind himself that they will always be his children whereas you don't have to be his wife. Also, he's going to be a very lonely old man because they will object to any woman in your life who isn't their mother. Does he really want to grow old alone and celibate? He's finished raising his kids, now it's time for him to take his life back.
This is absolutely a hill to die on - your self respect won't hold out forever. Either he treats you like a wife and not a sordid little bit on the side or you stop considering him to be your husband.
Yes.
It's an unrealistic goal.
You can't be part of a family if the other members don't want you to be. This dream/desire is going to bring you nothing but heartache.