idk, but i feel bad for you.

wow.... just wow.... I seriously doubt the kids are going anywhere seeing as how they are your DH's children. Why in the world would you want to stay if you hate them that bad?

Wow is right! How can you hate the sight of any kids? And if you love your significant other you have to love the kids... Maybe I am out of line with out very much detail but its never the kids fault...always the adults.....kids are what they are raised to be........

Vgill - I really would like to know... what do you want?

Do you really want to have your man to yourself, but have him without his kids? While making you happy, what would that do to him? Do you read Crayon's blogs? Her SO no longer has his children in his life and he is NOT happy. As much as he seems to love Crayon, and she loves him, he has a big hole in his heart. She references that he doesn't like to hear about certain things and that he gets angry and defensive about certain subjects. Is that what you want for your SO ?

If not, do you want the skids to treat you better? With more respect? How can they when there is so much contempt there? I am not sure if you are as great of an actress as Meryl Streep, but uh.. believe me, you may think they don't see your hatred, but they do.

I know it sounds like a simple question, but really - What Do You WANT?

And once you can truly - HONESTLY AND TRULY - answer that question.... well, then honey - therein lies your answer.

Because you say you are not leaving. That's great. But I am guessing you don't want to hurt your husband either, or wish upon him that kind of pain of losing his children.

So.... you need to figure out a way to make things go better. Whatever you are doing does not seem to be working.

It can happen. But I think you have to answer that question without fear of repercussion and go from there.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

I'm curious...do you hate the kids because of their own actions/personalities or just because of their connection to the BM? You post only rages against the BM, and you seem to be connecting them to her. Yes, of course they're connected because she's their mother but it's an association they cannot help, and putting the blame on them is not fair.

Also, they're never going to leave because your DH is their dad. Even if he isn't the custodial parent they would always be a part of his life. And really, any attempt by you to remove them from your DH's life is only going to ruin your relationship with him. So you need to focus your energy on coexisting with his children instead of how to bring about their demise. If not you might as well pack your bags now, because any decent father is going to choose his kids, assuming that their only fault is being born to a bad mother. If he doesn't stand by his kids, he's probably not worth your time anyways.

I rarely post... I'll admit, my hide is too thin to post much. But I just wanted to throw out something to see if maybe it'll help someone else understand.

I have read a few of vgill and crayon's blogs. I have seen more than once where response has not been favorable. Maybe it's just me.... but when I read the blogs, I haven't seen two children hating stepmothers. Instead, I've seen two women so frustrated and concerned that they don't know what to do. Maybe it doesn't come out in the way that others would like, but I swear I see it. These are women that are frustrated that the children have not turned out as well as they could have if their parents had done everything in their power to make sure that they were being raised right. Where frustrations and hurt has peaked to the point that to protect themselves they have to let go.

I'm there, right there, next to them. I've had moments where I felt like I hated my bf's son. For me, it wasn't the child himself so much as the situation he represented. There have been times that I secretly wished that visitation would end at some point simply because of the drama. But deep down, it's not what i want because it would hurt the man I love. So instead, I remove myself from the situation and encourage the father/son relationship without me present. I know that I have made comments in prior blogs that lead to me being slammed. But it's out of that frustration that lead me to that point. If I made myself stop caring, if I stopped going around, then it didn't hurt me as terribly as to have to watch the terrible path my bf's son was being lead. For the most part, we as stepmothers have little say over how these children turn out. We can do our best, we can show examples and teach where we can, but at some point it's like banging your head on a brick wall if you have defiant reactions from any of the parents involved or you have a guilt driven parent.

I think that maybe vgill's posts hit the nerves of some folks because of the wordage used. But if you look at what she's saying, not what words she is using, maybe you'll see what I see... A woman that has been drained until she can do no more. A woman that wishes the BM would do her job, would take responsibility, would parent so that she didn't have to. I'm sure she'd love to be the fun stepmom, but circumstance has not allowed that. I know that people have told her to leave but for some that is not an option. I'm not saying that this is wrong or right, but for some people divorce is simply not in their vocabulary. I know for myself, aside from cheating, drugs, or abuse, that is the case.

I don't even know if what I have written has made any sense. I do know though that I wish sometimes I could see maybe a little more tolerance for the wide spectrum of emotions that come with step parenting. We are all here for a reason, please remember that.

*hiding back in my cave*
Silver

P.S. I didn't post this for anything written on this blog per se, but because I was noticing things more and more and thought I'd speak up in case it might bring some understanding.

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

I agree with Silver - her post was sincere and very true! No one comes to ST intending to hate - they come to be listened to, understood and seeking help and support. I read vgill's post in a similar way. She is venting about the fact that what she really wants is for BM to step up to the plate and be a MOTHER to the skids!! Which isn't much to ask, IMO.....

I do not condone hatred...as a matter of fact, I encourage tolerance and respect. I doubt that vgill hates her skids in the literal sense (words used). Vgill deserves our support.

My advice to vgill...take a deep breath, calm down. Focus on positive change in your life. I don't know all the facts in your situation (sorry) such as how many skids, their ages, how long you & DH have been together, whether BM is involved in the skids lives or not, how much stress/drama that BM & skids cause, etc... I do know that you sound like you just need a good old fashioned BREAK. Perhaps a long overdue vacation, or even a short day with your girlfriends of lunch or a drink (or many drinks).

In the end, when you evaluate your relationship, what you want, your reasons for being in this particular situation - I think you will find your answers. Maybe the answer is to stay & work things out...maybe the answer is to leave a relationship in which you are raising someone else's children because ultimately that is not for you. Only YOU can decide and figure that one out...

In the meantime, lets give vgill the support she is here on ST for.

I LOVE reading these posts!! I totally get what you are saying. I agree with the possible break, although I will have to look back to see if that is not possible somehow, will raise you 'counseling' and finally offer (if it does not offend), prayer.

Sometimes when all is so bleak, that is all I have, all I can do. Just give it up to God, that it's more than you feel you can do, and ask for strength, compassion, and guidance. To me that always helps, maybe even to just admit (to ourselves, the universe, what have you), that you really don't know how to handle things, and have compassion for yourself, as well as and including for, these kids.

I will join you in that, and hope that you will keep writing, for our support.
_________________________________________________________
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

It is the frustration with no where to socially acceptably put it that is enraging. I think that is what we hate.. the expectations, the demands the thought that because we are women we are all soft in the heart and we are all maternal and loving.. endless nuturing.. not true.. we are only human and sometmes are tanks are running on E.

I know that it's not right siding with a BM for any reason especially if it is a self-serving one, but what if the kids were better off there. Not that mom's parenting is more "fun" but that maybe it offers more structure than dad's space does? My bf and I live in our own spaces alot because I finally just got tired of fending for him and his and me and mine taking the hits for it. In the nearly year that we've been gone his place has literally fallen more apart than what was already going on when we lived there too. His hours have gotten to be more than his situation or kids can handle. By the time all is said and done he spends about 3hrs with his kids a day when he has them. Gets up at 3a to have them to a sitter by 4 so he can get to work by 5. By the time he gets home in the evening its nearly 6 just to barely have time for homework, dinner, baths then bedtime. His daughter is going to be held back and rather than resign himself to the fact that maybe they should stay with mom until his hours drop back to normal (7-3p) and visit with them on the weekends he's still insisting on keeping them. Is this male/daddy pride?? WTH?!? I don't see him as often as I'd hoped since we separated spaces-I did offer for him to come stay with me every other week that he doesn't have his kids but that didn't happen. His space is disastrous-the skids told me his mom has been over and cleaned but that it's gotten bad again. Toys things they value are missing, but i attribute that to them not following a place for everything and everything in it's place. Trust me I am not the world's greatest BM, or Stepdragon either or maybe I am but if my kids' education and health and well-being were in jeopardy I think it would be time to call the pride police and kindly step down and hand over the reigns. I'm not selfish or mean i think that it should be about the kids when it affects the end result-raising self-sufficient, responsible, clean, educated adults who will leave us to our happily everafters in search of their own someday.

**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" **

Why play the waiting game vgill. SS14 already left, but i'm sure he'll stay because he wants his mohter and i'm suer he doens't get the same discipline over at her house. SS12 must be sooooo jealous and angry that his brother is there and he doesn't go live there. I think both of you guys need a break, i would tell your dh to sit his son down and tell him, i think since he misses him, that for a time being, he should live there along with his brother.
But if both of you are waiting, if that is what you have truly decided with your dh, then do the best you can to keep yourself busy until the time he leaves on his own.
SS14 comes to visit eow?????