"I also think that SS is using this as a way to get attention from everyone. "our" son has DH's last name and this does make a difference to my husband as far as family is concerned, to DH it distinguishes how everyone is connected."

That statement makes absolutely no sense,how does ss using his Father's last name, make it difficult to distinguish how everyone is connected. I think the real problem is you feel resentment at your SS using that name, like you feel it takes away from your bs. As much as you may dislike it, your SS is just as much a part of your dh, as your bs is. I am not trying to be hurtful, and I can relate to a degree how you feel. I cringe everytime my caller id lights up with BM's name, because she kept dh's last name.

However, if I picked up on the resentment from you in that post then I would about bet the farm, that SS is picking up on that also. SS is just a kid, and from my point of view, he is using the last name as a way to feel connected to his Dad or it could be his way of trying to fit in with your family. That should be a relief to you since according to you the BM is a low life loser.

**Michelle**

Is it possible that your SS has become old enough to make the decision? While he didn't wait until he was 18, perhaps he is old enough now. Afterall, he was told to wait until he was old enough to make his decision, right?

I agree with Michelle in that this may be a way to connect with his father, which sounds like normal behavior. It seems normal that a child would want to use the last name of his father as most kids do. Perhaps he's feeling abnormal since most kids do use their father's last name and other kids are asking questions about why he doesn't. You know kids.

Also, does your SS do things that generates conflict on purpose? That is, is this his normal behavior? Does he seem to sabotage peace within the family by purposefully generating conflict? If so, then that's an entire new topic. If not, then I would view this as your SS making a statement and making a decision that he feels he's old enough to make.

I would honor that decision and deal with the BM's feelings about it because if she has a problem with it, then she's being selfish and needs to learn to honor your son's needs.

I know for some men, their children having their last names is extremely important to them, and for a lot of us, it is how we connect as a family. I know I connect myself to being my husbands' wife by my last name, to me, it was very important to change my last name for that very connection. Not everyone feels this way, this is just how I feel, and I can understand your dh's desire for his son to have his last name, and really his frustration about the whole thing is bm not valuing his relationship with his son enough to put dh's last name on ss's birth certificate. This I'm sure was a control issue for her, and simply did it just b/c she knew this was important to him, and she didn't want to give that to him.

The whole idea of giving a child a step-parents last name to me is highly offensive. I personally could never even dream of giving my son another mans' last name while his father was raising him. It would be another thing if the father split and was no where in sight, but in your dh's case, step dad's last name for ss should be completely out of the issue. Again, bm didn't want dad to have what he wanted, and she knew he wouldn't comprimise to this suggestion, so that is why she offered it.

I think your ss is trying to feel connected not just to his dad by signing his dad's last name, but imo, he is trying to feel connected to his little brother too, and I think you should be grateful of that. When I was reading your blog, that is the first thing that came to my mind about your ss, he is trying to figure out how he belongs with you guys too. I actually think it's sweet

If I were you, I would just not stress over the issue, as the courts probably will just push it aside. It's a sore subject for everyone, and if she is willing to just let ss be a kid, and not put stress on him signing a different name, things might fall in your favor over time. I think if you push the issue, things might explode, and she will put pressue on ss to begin signing her last name instead. Try to relax about it, and see what happens if ss pushes the issue instead of dh....you might get further that way (cross fingers!).

Good luck,
Candice

BM allowed DH at the hospital, but wouldn't put him on the birth cirtificate. Then when they set the first child support and visitation orders at the Attorney Generals office they hyphenated SD's last name.
I know it's a control thing, but I don't understand making your child have to sign a super long last name. I mean, doesn't everyone remember filling in those little boxes on the tests in school. And BM hasn't married yet, but I bet if she does she will change her last name (i looked it up and it comes from the German word for a foolish person) but SD will be stuck with the name throughout her childhood.

Anyway, I agree with Candice, I wouldn't stress over the issue and would allow ss to sign his last name as he pleases. Unless it is an issue with the school, then personally I would do what I could to get BM to agree with ss's wishes and have it changed legally. I would make sure first that he is serious about it for sure.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-

My oldest SS14 uses BM's maiden name and it's hard at school and stuff b/c I'm only 27 and when I have to pick him up and stuff I kinda get the third degree, blah blah, b/c our last names aren't the same and I definitely don't look old enough to have a 14 year old. Anyway, the most irritating part (b/c that really is just an annoyance that I deal with, I dont' really care what his last name is.) Okay the most irritating part is when I send out Christmas Cards I just write DH's last name after everyone's name or SS14 will get stuff sent here from DH's family with DH's last name on it and he gets offended. Or we just went to a wedding and had name cards and it had DH's last name on SS14's card and he said loudly and rudely "I'm not a *smith*" (Smith isn't my last name...lol) He lives with us full time, my DH is his legal and residential parent and I'm pretty much is Primary Care Giver (for lack of a better title) and neither of us care what his last name is, his mom did it b/c there were no boys in her family to carry on the family name, which is totally fine and she didn't know who the baby daddy was right away anyway, DH was one of like 6 guys tested. So it's annoying, but we'd never ask him to change it, plus he gets more offended when people dont' use the right last name, then we do that we have to explain it over and over again. Like today, I have dentist appointments for all 3 skids and he has a different last name so when I call and go there I have to give out two last names, annoying, but if I just used our last name he'd get all bent out of shape so we just let it go.
Did that make any sense at all?? B/c reading it back it just seems like a big fat ramble!
Dawn