Please wake me from this nightmare.
I can't believe how crazy and terrible the last two days have been. Things have been the same with Ss. He refused to talk to any of us. He said a few words last week but that is about it. On Wednesday night, my Dh (not so dear anymore) came storming into our room with printed out sheets of paper. It was what Ss had been typing on his computer caught by the keylogger software. He googled "safe teen chat rooms" and even began chatting with a person.
We could not see what the other person was saying but to me, the conversation looked very innocent. And Ss was even hiding a lot about himself. So it looked like he was taking precautions. I am not trivializing the matter. After what happened with Ss and the online predator, this is a very serious act. But can you honestly blame the child? I have no doubt he is very very lonely. He talks to no one. We should have never let him take the laptop back into his room. Ss knew of the keyloggin software and that we were monitoring his email. We gave him too much trust too soon.
My Dh goes insane. He storms downstairs, with me trying to calm him down. He tosses the papers at Ss's face. Ss was incredibly scared and began crying. My Dh yelled at Ss like he had never done before. At one point he grabs Ss's hand and called him a piece of crap. This really shocked me. I think Ss was even more shocked than I was. My Dh just grabbed Ss's phone, laptop and satellite box and tells Ss he cannot go anywhere except for school. And that the trip he had planned for the two of them for this weekend to Florida is cancelled. Ss was bawling and saying sorry.
My Dh was still fuming 10 mins later. I had tried consoling Ss but it was useless. I went back up and told my Dh that he was way too harsh. What Ss did was very wrong but I could not help but feel for him. That started WW3 in our house. I was this close to saying it was over. But I controlled myself and left with my kids and Ss to my mom's house for the night. Ss cried through then night. There was no way he could have gone to school. So I dropped my kids off to school on Thursday and went back home with Ss, who looked like a wreck. As soon as we enter, my Dh was in the living area. He looks at Ss and says "I can't even look at you right now". I saw Ss extremely hurt as he ran into his room crying all over again. Then we got into a big fight all over again.
I told my Dh that I refuse to speak to him until he gets himself into therapy like I did. My Dh has never acted like this and I was appalled. Ss has issues but my Dh has always been the more patient one. I have always felt he was depressed and I think he just snapped the other night. I haven't spoken a word to him. He slept in the guest bedroom last night. And this time my poor kids know we are fighting. They have been tiptoeing around the house.
Ss woke up today with a fever. I am thinking about going to the doctor if it doesn't get better soon. Normally my Dh would have taken him but the last few days have made me question my Dh's frame of mind. My life is such bullcrap right now.
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Comments
Imagine being there to see
Imagine being there to see it. It broke my heart.
Thanks for the optimism Lucy.
Thanks for the optimism Lucy. I told my Dh the exact same thing. He was going to regret everything he said to Ss. I think he still has not got it. Yes, I plan on telling the therapist about this. My Ss is still sick. He was crying when I went to give him his lunch. If he doesn't eat by himself in the next hour, I have to go and feed it to him. Poor guy, the past weekend was rough too
I hate how helpless we are when it comes to him.
I have seen patient people
I have seen patient people snap and it is not pretty. It is like they finally realize their patience has been wasted, and they just don't know what else to do, so they snap.
I think therapy for him is an excellent idea...sounds like he's just broken.
My Dh was broken for a long
My Dh was broken for a long time. I hope this gives him a wakeup call. I am not relenting until he gets the help he needs.
That response is great. I
That response is great. I wish I was thinking straight when we fought. But I was screaming at him too. It was terrible. I was surprized I was not crying. The tears came later when I was alone at my mom's house. I am stil angry at him. I can't even begin to get myself talking to him again.
Thank you for such a great
Thank you for such a great reply. I am glad you see it how I do too. Ss is constantly bullied in school and has zero friends. I cannot imagine how lonely he must feel. He wants to talk to someone and he stopped with us because we screwed up. We never banned him from the internet. We let him know we can see all his history and that he can only use it for school, online games and youtube. He has nothing else to do and we felt that was fair. But we did specifically say NO chatrooms.
My Dh could have gone about this in a very different way like you said. Your method was incredibly smart. Mt Dh just made the situation so much worse by doing it the way he did. I still cannot get over him grabbing Ss's hand saying such mean things to him. As though Ss has not had it rough all these years.
I am trying to breathe. I cant. I am still seething. I just came back from feeding Ss pasta myself. He looked dead. There was no alertness, nothing. He looked like a mindless zombie. My Dh is definitely going to beat himself up over this. And guess who has to be there catching the pieces?
Well right now, Ss has nothing in his room but books. I am planning on getting him some new ones. I do not agree with what my Dh did but I am not going to go behind his back and return Ss's things like the TV box. But I also don't want Ss to get bored out of his mind. The therapist has said that he needs distraction.
Hopefully after all this blows over, and if Ss gets internet access again. we will look into the methods you suggested. They were great. Thanks for the advice
I can certainly see where DH
I can certainly see where DH is coming from. And considering your SSs history and the exposure to the darker side of men your DH felt he could not protect his son if his son was opening up to strangers (and yes, they are strangers and no one knows who they are and could be 41 yr old Chuck in the basement instead of a 14 yr old). How can your son expect to be trusted if he doesn't follow the rules? It is like handing a DUI driver a 6 pack and car keys. This is what your DH is seeing. It MAY be a 'safe' site but how 'safe' is it?
That being said your DH needs to see a counsellor to vent his feelings. And SS needs to get outside and way from TV and computers and put them in a realistic place in his life. Even if he just goes outside and walks with his father or you in silence, It is much better than being confined to your room. Fresh air and an interest away from TV and computers....