First - I love my wife dearly. Being a good parent is not one of her finer qualities. My opinion, of course.

She has 2 daughters - ages 30 & 27. Both have lived with us for extended periods of time.

The 30 year old started dating a guy. He went to prison for bad checks (to his mother) and she ended up getting pregnant and marrying him. She wanted to divorce him because he lied constantly, but she didn't have anywhere to go. I agreed to let her and the baby come and live with us. She had a decent job working 3rd shift. My wife and I had just relocated for my job and the plans were my wife was going to get a job as well. Her daughter was going to be with the baby during the day while we worked and then we'd be there during the night.

The day she showed up - I found out she quit her job and now needed her mother to watch the baby during the day so she could find work. Which she did - but then didn't make enough to pay for child care meaning my wife became the babysitter and couldn't work, meaning money wasn't going be as good as planned.

We did this for about 7 months until she finally moved out - back to her ex. That was a few years ago and he's now in a state mental institution. My wifes daughter is living on her own although we help financially.

Now her sister (my other step daughter)just ended a relationship because she was being abused by her boyfriend. (I later found out he kicked her out because she was lazy and ate too much)
So I again agreed to open our home. I discussed with both my wife & daughter about what we should accomplish. My wife wanted to be the mother she missed being early on because of difficulties in her 1st marriage.
I wanted the step daughter to learn money management, work part time, take college classes, get her credit straightened out, help around the house. I wanted her to become responsible so she didn't have to rely upon someone else to live. Everything was agreed to. My wife and I bought her a car ($9000), helped her get enrolled, she found a job and everything was OK for about a month.

She would have friends over and drink in the back yard. I didn't mind that (they were legal age) but all our wine would be gone and a mess left in the fire pit. I'd have to clean it up. I'd tell my wife she should address the issue of 1) Taking the last of things and not mentioning it and 2) clean up after herself.
My wife was reluctant because she felt her daughter was still "recovering" from the break up. So life continued like this for awhile.

Apparently, there was pent up hostility in the daughter against her Mom and she wanted to start counseling. She went once a week for several months, which was rather costly, and just spewed crap continuously at her mom. I wanted to boot her out several times. I told my wife she needed to stand up for herself and tell her daughter to stop or leave. My wife, I think, still feels guilty for not being a good mom when she was younger. So my step daughter continued not helping, eating and drinking everything not nailed down. I will say she did well in school, even if they were very basic classes, it was her 1st exposure to college and she did well. But life continued like that for 4 months.

Then my wife took her daughter to the Dr for a check up cause she had been very sexually active previous and needed an overall check up. The Dr's found some evidence of "pre-cancerous" cells and she needed an outpatient procedure. My wife was very upset. I told my wife I understood her concern but the procedure was scheduled 2 months out. I would have thought if it was suspected to be critical they'd do it much sooner. So we continued "not addressing issues" because of health issues. In this time she started seeing the ex boyfriend again. He's a drunk (2 DUI's), doesn't work, lives with his parents at 28.

The last straw for me was my wife and I went on vacation last summer. I said I did not want her boyfriend at the house. My wife and her felt I was being unfair and pleaded to allow him to stay 1 night while we were gone. I agreed. To no surprise - he was there evry night we were gone. We came home early to find the house messy and a bottle of vodka (less than half full) in the frig along wth a BOX of wine. All trust I had was gone and I felt she needed to leave. I haven't said much and avoid her as much as I can since then. (going on 6 months)
None of the things we set out for have been accomplished and we are now on 2 years. She is scheduled to move out the 1st part of June. My wife and I will have some work to do as well to get back what we once had. My wife feels I have hurt the situation and shouldn't have stopped talking and avoiding the step daughter. I try to tell her it was the best way for me not to toss her out immediately. My wife blames me for the lack of growth. Like I said - my wife and I will need to work on our relationship and hopefully it can be restored.

DO NOT EVER LET YOUR GROWN STEP CHILDREN MOVE IN WITH YOU!

Thanks for listening