Our (almost) Universal Story
Here, I believe,with the exception of the few whose spouses had custody of the skids in the first place, the few step-dads on this site, and those with adult stepchildren, are more or less the universal order of events for most of us here...Many might disagree, and many (as in formerly myself)will insist steps #10-15 can or will not happen to them. Read the stories here long enough and work your way through the steps yourself, and I think this is pretty close:
1. Google something to the effect of “can’t stand my step-kid” and find this site
2. Feel instant relief that someone out there understands since otherwise instead of advice you get “you knew he/she had kids when you got married” or that the step-parent needs to “be the adult” and suck it up
3. Try to encapsulate everything you are experiencing with skid(s), BM(s), and Denial Dad in your first Rant Post
4. Read and learn
5. Post fervently
6. Read and learn some more, gaining a sort of Epiphany through the absorption of the vocabulary, commonalities, and theories (most notably Auteurs' Guilty Dad List) presented herein
7. Post moderately
8. Read and learn some more while using the terms and advice contained within this site in actual Real Life
9. Coast for awhile, if not seeing positive changes, at least preserving sanity by disengaging to some degree and putting foot down when possible
10. Big Life Changing Event takes place (ie BM sick or in jail or deployed or drug/alcohol addicted, Skid gets in major trouble, or BM just plain dumps kids)
11. Skids move into your home, despite no previous indication that skids would be living with you
12. Dilemma ensues about in which bedroom(s), or lack thereof, to keep said skids
13. Craziness with BM continues, despite change in venue
14. Get taken advantage of, in terms of both time and money
15. Repeat and cycle through #4-9 indefinitely
Randomly intersperse above steps with frequent psychotic phone calls/visits from BM, occasional involvement with social worker or counselor or similar entity, poor behavior and hygiene habits on skids’ part, procurement of restraining order(s), arguments with spouse, ruination of one or more family events, and hurtful comments or behavior (by and from pretty much everyone involved).
Personally, I'm trapped in #14 right now...time to read and learn some more...
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Comments
It gets better. It does. If
It gets better. It does. If you really want things to work, it DOES get better. I have seen the change within the last 3 years. Not all situations are the same, but in my case, Skids were young when I met DH. SS was 8 - SD was literally 3 days old. I am a mom to my own brood. My 3 boys have NOT been a walk in the park. Being able to step out of the box and see that it wasn't only HIS kids that were difficult made me view things differently. Finding this site, changed EVERYTHING.
As soon as he stopped the guilt parenting and the jumping thru hoops for his BM and being her ATM card, things got better. As soon as he stopped engaging and letting her drama affect our homelife, things got better. As soon as he was able to let ME make decisions and stopped undermining me, things got better. As soon as he knew that I was serious about walking out unless things changed, things got better. As soon as the rules applied to ALL of the kids in the house and not just a select few, things got better. We are at a really good place now. It is not perfect, but it IS tolerable. I no longer get the desire to leave my home when it's Skid weekend, I no longer roll my eyes in disgust every time I see SD11 sit on her dads lap, I no longer get angry fits when I see the BMS texts & phone calls. I no longer feel like an outsider in my own home. And like my blog from earlier today stated, I felt peace in my home and my heart this weekend despite it being a Skid weekend.
That's good to hear,
That's good to hear, Unfreakingreal. I joined this site a little over a year ago and, having read stories like yours and others, learning about things like boundaries, putting names on behaviors (guilt parenting, PAS, etc)so they could be isolated and improved, I do feel like we have made progress as well.
I read some posts and can spot right away that person is still in, say, step #3. And I remember very well being in those beginning steps, not to mention the boiling point you get to that gets you here in the first place.
I felt like I was in #9 for a pretty long time, as evidenced by the fact I wasn't coming on here very much, and was making enough baby steps that I was also getting comfortable. Then BAM and suddenly the skids live with us. Did not see it coming. I could or should have seen it coming, because it happens all over this site. I had already realized how similar our situations were, despite the different details, but having this happen to me really brought it home what a common thread we all have here.
So I'm going to readjust and go through the steps again in this different context, probably hit some low points, have some arguments, and maybe get some bright spots along the way...and hopefully see some positive progress again.
I think the key thing, which I failed to put into the right words, is communication- what I meant by #9. Having the tools of what you've learned and putting them to use through communicating with SO, skids, bio-kids (if applicable)...but probably not BM because, well, she's insane.
I've been here a few years as
I've been here a few years as well and I really think that's when things started shifting. Being able to come HERE and say whatever I was feeling without crushing my DH was an incredible outlet that I will forever be grateful for. Imagine telling my DH, I hate your damn kids, I want to rip your face off every time I remember that you made kids with that POS, your a pussy for letting her walk all over you, what the hell were you thinking, I think your daughter is going to be a slut, your son is an idiot. Believe me, all things I thought at one time or another, none ever left my lips. Communicating is KEY. After you vent here, you read the replies, you are more clear headed and able to rephrase what you want to say to your DH about ay particular problem. Wishing you much luck!
"I want to rip your face off
"I want to rip your face off every time I remember that you made kids with that POS, your a pussy for letting her walk all over you, what the hell were you thinking"
Sadly, I did recently call him a pussy. Not one of my finer communication moments. I also got in the following satisfying zinger at a differetn time, said in a chipper smiling voice, after he agreed to give BM a ride somewhere: "Great! Maybe she'll let you get in a quick visit with your balls while you're at it!"
Still, yes...the ability to vent here is priceless. The resource of a vehicle to help organize your thoughts and approach is invaluable.
Mine wasn't QUITE like this
Mine wasn't QUITE like this but very similar. And I don't know if things are "better" now.
My problems were (and are) 100% because of BM (PB = Psycho Bitch). So, the older the skids got, the less we had to deal with her version of crazy.
Now she has successfully PASed both skids out (18 and 17 years old). My son has moved out years ago so it is kind of like we are empty nesters.
She may be able to keep his kids away from my DH, but she wasn't successful at breaking us up!!
Our BM is a PB. But her kids
Our BM is a PB. But her kids are smart and have been able to see for themselves what her games are. She has tried to alienate the Skids from the dad but it hasn't worked. They are 19 and 11 now. The boy lives with us full time and we get the girl EOW. She's lost some steam mainly because my DH no longer entertains her bullshit. She called & texted incessantly all weekend long. DH ignored her. I, in turn am now quite amused by her desperate attempts to get my DHs attention. Once we stopped letting HER crap affect OUR home & marriage, things got WAY better.
(same) I met DH who had
(same) I met DH who had custody of one daughter (a dear) and one son (a very decent kid) whom he had kinda, sorta raised on his own for a few years. As soon as we were married, Boom! BM sent crazy SD16 and SS12 whom SHE had raised to live with us full-time.. it was a living nightmare. And now, two years later, they're out of the house, but I STILL hold resentment toward DH because he couldn't control them and let them abuse the crap outta me. Not exactly what I had pictured. And now DH is sooo very confused as to why I still want OUT!
#10 may also include a PASed
#10 may also include a PASed out period where skids don't come on a regular basis anymore. Which sends guilty daddy into apoplexy then permanent pining which almost always includes hitting the bottle and becoming a nasty, mean drunk to SM.
In my case GG is now hoping to reunite with his terribly jaded, drank-the-PAS-koolaid-from-day-one, auteur's-the-problem, spoiled, zero mannered, rude, bratty teenaged children who have NO interest in a relationship other than a one-way, anemic, give-me-the-money cash grab.
I don't plan on being around for the teen pregnancy, the problem with drugs, felonious activity, etc. as I am plotting my exit for this year. It will be a masterpiece of well plotted out epic exit legend.
All right!!! Can't wait,
All right!!! Can't wait, epic!!! :wink:. Op, you are so correct!!!!!
I'm going to say that I am
I'm going to say that I am one of the ones that say 10-15 will not happen. SS has been in a lot of trouble and got sent to a live in school for it (at that ime it was because he was ADHD). I know ss will not live with us because DH is a work-a-holic and I refuse to do anything to help with this kid...I'm completely disengaged.
Also, BM has NEVER once came to our house (It's about an hour drive). She also will not speak to me (Never has although I did reach out) I often wonder how she can claim to love her son so much, if, when she know we have problems, she sends him to a house she has never seen with a woman she has seen once (when I went to one of his school's sessions.) We have never had a conversation. I've been living woth DH for about 6 years now.