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SD Won't Ask for Help. Any Ideas?

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Wed, 05/20/2015 - 9:41pm

So one thing we have been trying to work with SD on is that she refuses to ask for help when she actually needs it. She has no problem at all asking for help with things she is fully capable of doing herself but not for something she actually needs help with.

For example, DH discovered this evening that SD had wet the bed last night when he pulled her pjs out of the hamper. I hadn't noticed this morning because when I walked out of my room to wake her up she was already awake and in the living room so I never went in her room.

Does anyone have any ideas about why she refuses to ask for help when she needs it? Why does she try to hide this stuff? I swear in the 7 months SD has had this bed she has pissed in it way more than DD ever did in the 7 years she used it.

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Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Thu, 05/21/2015 - 6:10am

Totally. I told the psychiatrist when we were there that every time something happens, for example, I have asked her to do something and 15 minutes later she is still standing there staring at the TV, I have to stop and analyze the situation to try to determine what is going on.

Is it the ADHD kicking in and she can't focus on anything long enough to actually do it? Does she even understand what I asked her to do? Is she just being a stubborn, defiant little shit?

And yes, I am in the same boat as you in that SD5 had everyone wrapped around her finger and then I came along and suddenly there are rules and expectation of behavior. DH is getting a whole lot better about that but my MIL is not. A couple of months ago we caught her giving SD a sippy cup at 5 years old. A sippy cup. MIL babies SD horribly it's no wonder she is so far behind.

arjuna79's picture

Submitted by arjuna79 on Thu, 05/21/2015 - 7:58am

sometimes it really is her brain wiring, not willfulness. If she's in sensory overload, and "zoned out" at the TV, then nope, ain't nothing going to register from the cortex down about what you're telling her to do. or she hears you, but freezes, it blows her brain circuits, and she cannot respond.

Somewhere inside, she knows where her blank spots are and then has devised behavioral strategies around that, designed to get her the attention and responses she needs. The answers to this are not going to come from behavioral demands, but from her being guided to body-brain strategies, which will lead to self-regulation and appropriate behaviors.

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Thu, 05/21/2015 - 6:18am

I'm hoping one of the things they work on in OT is toileting practices because I am tired of scrubbing dried feces off the bathroom wall because she has smeared poop on it and trying to scrub shit stains out of her underwear because she has decided wiping is an optional activity she doesn't need to do.

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Thu, 05/21/2015 - 6:36am

Ew. Good point.

That is the only way we got her potty trained was to make her clean up her mess herself. I started making her scrub the shit off the bathroom wall herself and last night I strongly considered making her lay in her smelly sheets all night. If she can't even tell anyone she needs them changed she can lay in it as far as I'm concerned.

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Thu, 05/21/2015 - 7:30am

Fuck it. I'm done with that. I'm going out today and getting a water proof mattress pad and calling it a day. If he wants her sheets clean he can do it himself because I'm not doing it again.

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Thu, 05/21/2015 - 7:49am

He is good about staying on her when she needs it if he is around for extended periods of time. Like, if he is on vacation for the week and gets to see it for a few days at a stretch. The problem comes in when he is working every day for 12 hours or more and only sees SD for a couple hours. He comes home and I have a crazed look on my face and have been screeching at SD for the past two hours and I get this look that says "why are you being so hard on my poor defenseless daughter?" Ummm....because the fucking brat has been pulling shit for the last three days. But hell, let him deal with it for a bit and suddenly it's a crisis.

SD was pulling shit yesterday morning (he has Tuesdays off) when she was supposed to be getting ready for school and he got ticked off. I very nearly started laughing. It's really funny to watch. I wanted to say "oh so since you have to deal with it instead of me suddenly it IS a big deal huh?"