Ready to bail....
so here is my story... i remarried a guy, with some reservation who has a 8 year old son and a very involved BM. BM lives 2 blocks away in a house they picked out while going through divorce so son can be close to both parents. My husband picks up son everyday from school and BM picks son up at our home after she gets off of work. So i get the irritation of seeing her everyday or I have to arrange to not be in my own home.
My son was a victim of some sexual abuse when he was young. So BM knows about this and does not want her son around my son because she thinks my son will automatically become a perpitrator. My husband backs her up with this and it has caused quite a strain on our relationship. My husband will allow his son to be with my son when it is convenient for him but when he is trying to be mean will bring it up. I am so tired of him backing her up on this i could just scream.
My son, 16, is a 4.0 student, very interested in various extra curricular activities, sports, youth group, etc. He would rather not spend time with the younger step brother but will do so to be nice. (include him in outdoor basketball games with neighbors, allow to join group of friends on bike rides to ice cream, etc.) never are they alone. My son does not let the step brother in his room, closes his door when he is in there, and does not go into the bathroom if step brother is brushing his teeth etc. It is very hard as a mother to accept that your husband backs up his ex over what he knows to be overreaction and he does it mostly when we are fighting.
Too further complicate things, she is a horrible mother and does not know how to parrent. She has never taken him to the dentist, haircuts, doctor, school field trips - we do it all. I don't feel that i get any credit for doing what I do for him and my ex always has an excuse why she doesn't do it.
The other day she crossed the line, she showed up to my mothers house with son because he wanted to say HI. She basically stood at the door until my mother let her in and just sat there while the son went in the back yard to play for 5-10 minutes. As you might expect, my mom is not to fond of this women as she basically has insinuated that her grandson (my son) will molest her son at some point - because statistics show that is what happens. My husband is threatening that he will just tell his son he can't ever see my mother because there is nothing wrong with his ex taking him over there.
Please help - i am ready to walk!
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Walk ?
In the words of Al bundy
"run long, run far, run deep, but the key word is run."
Just my opinion from what you said.
Best wishes.
Why would you want to be with this man who judges your son?
What keeps you with this man? If he cannot accept your son unconditionally, is there a future for this relationship? Are you willing to sacrafice the dignity of your son for them? How does BM know about your son's victimization? Has your son had any therapy for what happened to him?
my son has had counseling
my son has had counseling through a private therapist and has dealt with it i feel very well. He has a very strong faith and has risen above it all. He is somewhat unaware of the BM feelings. I have only relayed to him that she is a freak and does not want SS around any males other than his dad.
As for the marriage - when the kids are not around it is real good but we go at it when they are concerned.
Is it a prerequisite to being a Divorced Dad to have extreme double standards in regards to your own kids? YIKES!!!
I agree with the above
I agree with the above statement, Your child never asked to be a victim, Bm sounds like she is very egnorent, And I would have plenty to tell BF.
They are singling out your child and thats not fair,I am a survivor of sexual abuse AND NEVER would I or did I act out on other people, If anything you help other people later in life who have had the same tramas.
This makes me SOOOOO mad!
I'm surprised you have not told BF to kick rocks and BM to F*ck off and how to do it!
I feel for you and son
Unfortunately, he is not the
Unfortunately, he is not the BF but rather the husband so kicking rocks becomes a little harder with the whole divorce issue at hand.
I will do all I can to take care of my sons (22 and 16) and then leave the SS to his father. Easier said than done - that is for sure.
As for my son, he will rise above this and in the end he will come out looking like the winner - it just is in his blood. He is a leader and fighter now. They are F&(*ing with the wrong kid. He will kill them with kindness and show them the truth one day. I would personally spit in their face but he won't - he will rise above.
I'm sorry, but...
I don't think this is the right environment that YOUR son needs to be surrounded by. He needs LOVING individuals and a role model. The man you have chosen is not a role model but suspect of your son... that is crushing for a child who has been a victim. It only feeds into their fear that it was somehow all their fault. It's not the boys fault, but your DH is acting as if it is, and that is horrible for this boy in healing.
As much as we, as a women, love another and take on for a partner, is it really in all folds of our lives, or is it more to fulfill our own emptiness? I would really sit down and ask yourself those deep questions that you already know in your heart to be disturbing- that you may not want to ask because it is painful.
The only other thing that I can advise you on is that you, DH and the boys (forget about BM, she's not in your immediate circle) have to go to counseling and perhaps that will teach a new way of communication, give you each 'tools' to work with. Unit as a family. I don't think that the present situation is a healthy one for a child that has been violated at a young age. What your DH is teaching him isn't going to make him grow up strong, confident nor providing him a good role model. It only feeds into insecurity, fear, and a constant curtain of suspicion that will envelope his entire life- and he's NOT the one that needs to be punished! The one that I worry about is your boy... I'd ignore the rest.
I wish you well, honey! My heart goes out to you and your son...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
i do need to sit down and
i do need to sit down and really take a hard look at what i am doing. As for the counseling, my husband would not go - when he has gone and the counselor says anything he doesn't like - then "she is a quack and doesn't know what she is talking about" I am in a lose lose situation.
Here is the question though - my son seems fine and well adjusted. He spends every other week with his dad and stepmom. Should I wait until he is finished with high school to leave? i truly believe he would be hurt more by a divorce than just going on with how it is. He doesn't realize the beliefs my DH and BM have.
My question is...
how is the relationship between you and your ex and the stepmom? I won't wait myself, but this is your choice, your life, your decision. If you are close enough, civil enough, perhaps you could have your son stay with your ex and his stepmom for a little bit while you sort out your own life. If your husband does not want to take the time for counseling because it doesn't suit him when it gets tough... does he really suit YOUR needs?
Your son may appear and seem fine, but that's because he's only living the course of life that he only knows. And I think your DH is only scared of what he doesn't know... or want to face.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Bail
The most important things are: you and your son. My heart goes out to you and your situation and your husband isn't making it any easier. Perhaps THEY deserve each other. Love is out there - for you and your son.
Wow
they're really behaving in an abusive manner toward your son. The home should be a safe place when it comes to kids, not a place where they're considered suspect.
My ex remarried and his w hates me and my kids. Years ago she set our youngest up for the same sort of thing with my ex. My boy has collected swords and knives (they fancy sort) for some time. Apparently he told ex and stepwitch and she blew it all out of proportion saying my son has a fetish with weapons, might be dangerous and must be kept away from their child. Unbelievable.
This woman is simply looking to undermine your son's status with your husband, and he's letting her.
You are right!
I never thought of it as her trying to undermine my son's status with DH - that is exactly what is seems she is doing.
I have made a very big step today. I have established with DH and BM that SS is not going to be around my son or any of my family because i just don't need to worry about anything. I can enjoy my son and the rest of my extended family and leave the DH and SS at home.
I will love the day he graduates from High School and leaves for college - i can look at them and prove them wrong.
Wow...
Wow...I'm speechless...I don't know what to say about how he treats your son or sticking up for HIS ex who went to YOUR mom's house.....Sounds to me like he is still to emotionally attached to his ex...Tell him to not let the door hit him in the butt on the way out!
I am shocked
First of all not all kids who are molested become abusers.. In my opinion your husband needs to stand beside you.. First of all did he or has he known all along that someone hurt your son in this unspeakable manner? It seems to me that your son is doing fine with his life. 4.0, seems to me if he were lost and meesed up from his ordeal he would not be getting a 4.0 and all that.
things to people just because they seen or have endured abuse in any manner. My father was an abuser and I am not.. Its knowing right from wrong in which case it sounds like you are a very loving and caring and wonderful mother.
The BM although I can think I would be apprehensive with sending my child too at first, I would come and talk to you and ex and meet son and maybe get to know him before I so blantantly made an accusation of such. And if she does not want her son around your son then so be it keep him at her home. Your husband is being an *ass*. How can he sit and defend her and act as though he doesn't know your child. You are an awesome mom in my opinion and also you must have done something right for him to be turning out the way he is. Again not all people do
About the ex going to your mom's home, I find that very strange. I would not like it, but with my mother I would not have to worry one bit, my mom would tell her to get the hell off her property or just be very blunt to get the point across. That is weird. Maybe you should just stop by and see her parents, just to see what the hell she thinks of that..
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
You deserve someone in your
You deserve someone in your life who shows you and your son more respect. I don't mean this in a bad way, but he will only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. There are no victims, only volunteers. Don't allow him to take you for granted or belittle your feelings on this matter. If getting out is the only way to solve this then I say better sooner than later for your sake and your son's. Love may be blind but it doesn't have to be controlling or degrading!!! Good luck and I wish you the best!