I feel robbed
All throughout growing up until this very day I always looked up to my mother. The love I have for her is immeasurable. That's all I ever wanted to be. A good wife. A good mother. When I look at my own son, I can see the adoration that he has for me. As I do him. There is so much resentment when it comes to the skids and my DH. I feel robbed. I understand that every blended family is not the Brady bunch. But the disconnect with our family is strong. If you told me years ago that I would find myself in this situation at this time, I would not believe you. Did you ever see those Facebook videos where a stepchild or a step parent gives a stepchild or a stepparent a gift box that has adoption papers inside of it? And they all cry out of joy and happiness? I thought that was going to be our family 7 years ago. How naive I was. It would be so easy to blame them. I am an empath. My DH and his kids, not so much. Respect is a foreign concept to his kids. My DH does try when it comes to his kids. But he just. Does. Not. Get. It. We all know an a**hole. Consider yourself lucky if you don't. That a**hole boss or co worker. That a**hole you went to school with. Your a**hole neighbor. They were all young a**holes at one time. I really don't see any of his kids having any sort of a healthy relationship throughout the rest of their life. The worst part of the whole thing is that I cannot talk to my DH about any of it. They are his kids. He just does not understand. I am trying to just coast by until they move out of our house. Lately I have been thinking that maybe being a grandmother will be my time to shine. With not so many tears. My faith is what keeps me going. Do any of you feel robbed at the hands of your skids?
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Why are you giving your
Why are you giving your husband a pass here? You feel robbed at the hands of your skids - were they not in part raised by your husband?
I guess I am just tired of
I guess I am just tired of the petty disagreements that we always use to have between our kids. We always use to address any issues we had with the kids to each other. Honestly its easier if i just deal with the issues myself. His kids are passive aggressive in a sense that I have never seen before. My husband thinks they are obedient, but when they turn around, watch out. Addressing issues between either of our kids always turned in to be a tit for tat. Their mother literally does not want anything to do with them. I can't imagine how that feels for a 13 and a 16 year old boy. There is a 19 year old girl that is in college that I had the worst time with. Their household before I came into it was different from what I am trying to achieve. I knew my husband in high school but we started dating when I was 35. I am now 42 (my DH is the same age) and the ONLY issue we EVER have between us is our kids. It has gotten better since his daughter is in college and I'm hoping in a couple of years it will be even better when ALL the kids are out of the house. But you are right. My husband doesn't take much responsibility when his kids act like a**holes. "Kids do stupid things" is his favorite saying. He uses that as an excuse to not deal with the behavior. But again, it is actually do much easier to just deal with it myself.
I feel robbed all the time,
I feel robbed all the time, almost two decades worth and more to come.
Constantly. I thought
Constantly. I thought that I was going to be part of a family. Things have improved a lot but they were so bad once I finally met the skids 3 years into the relationship with DH that there really was no place to go but up. I will never be truly comfortable and part of things. If he predeceases me I will be completely alone. If I could do it over again I would have run as soon as I met the skids and tried to build a family another way. They are out of the house now and I am living my life the way I choose to but I definitely have regrets.
I don't feel robbed and I don
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I, too feel robbed. Robbed of
I, too feel robbed. Robbed of "normal" family relationships. Growing up in an intact family, my parents were strict and had no qualms about calling us out when we were aholes. I fought with my brothers and sisters. All along, we all knew that we were family and we loved each other no matter what. It's not the same in a blended family. You have members who live outside of your household part of the time. They are being influenced by others who probably do not care for you (BM and her family) or influenced by their feelings of abandonment as in your case. When SS is here, it's very strange. No one feels 100% comfortable - not him, not DH, not me. And NO ONE tells you this. You go in with great expectations, not knowing that there are forces beyond your control and that you are expected to suck it up anytime there's something that's objectionable to you or your household. I agree with what another poster had mentioned before - that blended families, even though they are common, are an unnatural family configuration. This doesn't mean that some don't work it out, but it seems that more don't than do
Another way SMs are robbed in in their own firsts. Another poster has an issue with Christmas cards. Some with family photos. A SM won't be able to have the firsts with her own kids without constantly thinking of and/or having to include skids, otherwise she gets lambasted.
Robbed of time with husband or financial health because he is overcompensating due to guilt, hence the Disney dad syndrome.
Robbed of normal in-law relationships because they too feel sorry for skids or are still loyal to BM (even over their own son!), so there's another level of coddling/spoiling, thereby causing suspicion of you when you don't do the same, so you are not embraced as a first-time DIL would be.
Robbed of normal launch times because so many of these skids are crippled by the spoiling/coddling that they cannot function in the adult world or even at university.
Of course, not all of those things I mentioned above apply to every blended family, but some do.
Yes...agree with all of this
Yes...agree with all of this and more. It's very normal as a stepmom to feel "robbed" by your situation. And, then, I think it's even more complex because you feel like you did it to yourself...even if you did so accidentally. You wake up at year 3 or 4 and think...why did I allow myself to be shortchanged like this?
You can be robbed of peace and comfort in your own home...which I think is just the absolute worst part of being a stepmom. Everyone needs somewhere they can go and feel completely at ease and like themselves. Instead, you're in constant fight or flight mode and have to take extra care to make sure you're able to unwind. You simply MUST prioritize this kind of self-care (not all hot tea and bubble baths...but the self-care of actually making a plan for your life and carving out space for yourself...somewhere...) or you will become ill and depressed.
You can be robbed of meaningful time with your own family...because the societal and Disney Dad perspective is that the "kids come first" and so it's just assumed that all holidays and other special moments will revolve around kid schedules first...then your needs, if those get considered at all.
You can literally be robbed of money and security...you can give your best earning and saving years to someone else's children before you realize it...
I could go on and on. I think there needs to be much more education and marital counseling for people considering a blended family situation. Websites like this one are a good start...but the default is still "always think of the kids first!" in far, far too many circles.