Oh hello train....it just ran over DH
Sigh....parenting is hard. Its really hard when you put ADD, DH and Beaver.
SD is now failing three classes. The algebra teacher wants to see DH, Beaver and SD to figure out how to get her back on track.
(Please note I am NOT included in this powwow)
DH is now pissed off, scared for SD and her future and is just well frustrated.
There have been several changes..
1. SD has a job. It is two times a week till 8 p.m. during the school week and 1 day on the weekend Honestly not that much, about 12 hours a week.
2. SD has a boyfriend.
3. SD stopped taking her ADD meds. She and I quote "does not need them" and Mom said I don't need them. Spoiler alert..SHE NEEDS THEM.
Dh is now going between doing nothing because and I quote "I would like one of my kids in my life" (DANGER WILL ROBINSON..DANGER)
and
Banning SD from her job and the boyfriend. (DANGER...DEFCOM 1)
SMH...he is also waxing on about having to be the bad parent aka bad cop (ie actually parent) and Beaver is always the good parent aka good cop.
I had to ask him..why that mattered, who was the good cop? I never gave rip whether or not I was the "bad" parent...I was just the parent and I was going to parent my kids no matter what. It was my job to do so. His answer was the same, he doesn't want to lose SD. I asked is it better to not parent her and then still have her not in your life (a definate possibility) or parent her and hope for the best.
I told him it was up to him how he wanted to handle this. However, I could see where this is very frustrating and scary for him. I feel for him because this is not easy. I would support him, however, he handled this..but it is his decision.
I did sugges that perhaps instead of yelling at SD and threatening..he ask her why she thought her grades were going down? If the answer is "I don't know" (a common answer from SD)....then I would list out the things that have changed and ask which one of these might be interferring. Also suggested, he might find a compromise instead of banning everything.
So....I have to buckle up...since tonight will be a bumpy ride.
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Comments
EGADS
Yeah, well at least DH is being a little pro-active. Instead of shaking his head and turning the football up...
Oh boy I bet they have a talk
Oh boy I bet they have a talk and decide to do a bunch of things but then no changes are actually made.
But I do hope it turns out better than my pessimistic prediction.
WELL
Yeah...hmmmm....ok.
So, how was the bumpy ride?
Seems we both had skids that are having issues with school. It definitely is the social life intrusion.
Make plans for the future
SD and BF will have a baby. She will not work, make sure you have nothing to do with this. SD life will not effect your life.
Is it better to have a
Is it better to have a nuisance, failure-to-launch childish adult from lack of parenting present in your life indefinetely OR have parented, temporarily miffed homornal teens who's grown to be held to some level of accountability in preparation for the real world that checks in/out of your life as they see deserving?
If I get to cast my vote its for the latter. I would rather know that I set SS up to be an independent, realisitic adult once he gets there even if it means he's mad at me for it than to deal with the mental, financial, and traumatizing repercussions of an unparented stepchild that feels entitled to rule the roost and run her parents who played the "good cop" all her life so she wouldn't leave them.
If he doesn't want to be the
If he doesn't want to be the "bad cop" then he needs to accept that his daughter will not be parented, because Beaver will not step up.
Also, DH has ADHD. He stopped taking his meds in HS, because he didn't like the side effects. He graduated and did okay, but that was becaues his father was super hardline about school. If he got grades below Bs, he couldn't play sports. It was difficult and he has school trauma because of it. He currently has no primary care doctor, because his primary care doctor moved to another state and the office didn't notify DH until he called to make an appointment, so he's out of his meds. This worries me, because he needs them for work...but, I'm letting him handle that, because I cannot be his mom.
I would suggest that he reads
I would suggest that he reads the book "Parent Effectiveness Training." I worked on a research project with a major in-patient center for adolescents who have attempted suicide and/or have major drug addiction. Basically kids doing self harm that puts them in serious danger. All parents were told to read this book. It is invaluably helpful knowledge for all parents.
When it comes to teenagers, when they act out by breaking rules, it sometimes means they need more freedom and responsibility. So "taking away" her job and boyfriend will undoubtedly make things worse. I'm not sure about the boyfriend but how would he think taking away her job would do anything positive? How is having a job making her worse? Usually parents want their kids to have jobs so bad because they can have their own spending money, and it teaches them a ton of life skills.
I will suggest that for DH...
Dh doesn't want SD to quit her job..that was his ....knee jerk reaction. He does think the job is good for her.
DH thinks this is more from
1. The boyfriend being over all the time and SD being on the phone with said boyfriend
2. Not taking her ADD meds.
So..he curbed the boyfriend from coming over and from SD being on the phone after 8 p.m.
The meds...well..he explained to SD that since she stopped taking them her grades have all gone way down. That he thought she should resume them. However, he can't force her to take them and that would be her decision as well a consequences.
So we will see what happens.