I didnt go and low behold guess who came by?
So after I left work i called DH to tell him i was not ready to be around SD. he was not happy about it but he understood.
We talked for awhile about the lie and he told me he didnt lie he just thought he couldnt take cell away and still feels she will not use computer for anything but homework....WHATEVER!!!!! I told him i had to go because i needed to go into house since I was on my cell and sitting in driveway for awhile, needed to make dinner. so We hung up and he said i'll call you later. Half hour went by and my doorbell rang. When i went to the door, guess who? DH with 2 dozen roses, beautiful, a wonderful card (I love cards) and a big smile. Of course i melted...I know I should not but i couldnt help it. i love him and this is so hard. he had dinner with us, My oldest is home for the summer from college. We had a awesome night laughing, joking, it was amazing. After dinner the kids took off and DH and were talking. He said he wishes dinners like this could happen when SD was around. i told him i wish that to but she doesnt allow it. She needs for some reason drama at all times. Everything is negative and i just can not take this anymore. Its just to much. I brought up the idea of us living apart until SD goes to college but he wasnt to into the idea and feels he does not want to be away from me for 2 years. I told him unless things change with her this is what is going to happen. He says he is going to try to make things better and we will just play it day by day....I agreed. We had a great night SD never called but DH told me his phone was off before he came here. He left around 11 so today i am dragging ass but it was so worth it. GREAT night. I dont have him today but we are going out with friends tomorrow night and he is staying over and spending mothers day with me since SD will be with BM...Hope that goes well....best mothers day i could get, SD stays with BM all day sunday....this is not easy, i hate he is not home, but if this is what we have to do to save our marriage so be it!!!!
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I am so happy that he is
I am so happy that he is making such a big effort! I love that he is trying to save it and I love that you are staying strong in stating what you need for him, but allowing him to try. I really am hoping that your marriage is able to be saved. You two seem to truly love each other!
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer,
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but it sounds like he is putting a lot more effort into flower buying and being charming than fixing the actual problem. That's ok if that's what you want, of course, but I didn't think it was. The only thing he's done is turn his phone off.
As for the punishments, he still doesn't understand why they are unacceptable.
^^^^^ this...it seems he is
^^^^^ this...it seems he is still making excuses for his daughter and buying you flowers is all it takes for you...sorry, but buying flowers and not fixing the issue and continuing to make excuses for her is not really change..
"he told me he didn't lie"...huh? really? not only excuses for his daughter, but excuses for himself...but here's some flowers that should make you believe me...hmmm
I agree with DeeDee. Flowers
I agree with DeeDee. Flowers are nice and its great that you had a great night, but his daughter still exists and he is still not addressing it. He can't keep his phone off forever.
They both apologized the same way, "I'm sorry BUT". He's sorry BUT he's such a guy. She's sorry BUT she is lonely and has no friends. Anything other then "I'm sorry. I was wrong and here is how I am going to fix it" is not an apology. And an apology that includes the word BUT is an excuse, not an apology.
He's putting up smoke screens. Look at the pretty flowers. Look I am chasing you. Meanwhile, he is doing nothing to actual address the issue you have. He is recognizing that you are having a good time and that is good as long as you stick to responding with "we can't do this with SD here becasue she won't allow it". He needs to understand that. This life we have only exists when she (in her current state) isn't a part of it.
I really don't think he understands the issue. He did lie. He can spin it however he wants. He didn't know he could take her cell away? WTF? He is her father. And he is still maintaining she won't use the computer. Really? He isn't even home to monitor it.
I'm going to have to agree.
I'm going to have to agree. But I will say, the longer you keep having great nights like this, and the longer he keeps his phone OFF, the greater the chances that SD will finally get used to the idea that he's not at her beck and call
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You know this reminds me of
You know this reminds me of something that happened during dh's custody battle. BM kept insisting SD had seperation anxiety brought on by dh leaving and she babied and coddled and allowed all kinds of shitty behavior because "my poor baby is anxious and needs to be with me all the time".
What was really happening is sd realized mommy was falling for the manipulation. SD misbehaved. Mommy got mad. SD started to cry and "I missed you mommy" and BM turned it into bad behavior caused by missing mommy, which worked for her because who doesn't want to be missed, right?
The psych eval told BM that:
1) it was unlikely that SD suffered seperation anxiety since it only "appeared" when it was convenient for SD and BM (BM didnt want dh to have access, so this anxiety appeared whenever it was dh's time to parent). and
2) even if it were seperation anxiety after 15 months it was BM's JOB as her mother to help her child get over it and cope, but since BM was hanging onto it as an excuse it was causing more anxiety.
So SD16 might actually have anxiety or whatever. It is your dh's JOB as her father to put an end to it, not to sit and baby her and coddle her and try to make her feel better. Every time he sits down and babies her or cancels plans to stay home with her or takes her incessant phone calls he is encouraging her. He is giving her reason to believe that there is a reason to be nervous or anxious because afterall, if it were irrational he wouldn't be so concerened, right? This is pretty basic toddler's first day at pre-school parenting. Is he really that dense?
He keeps asking "what can I do?". He can stop catering and pandering to ridiculous behavior. She is 16, not 2.
Got to agree with the other
Got to agree with the other posters. Time he helps his daughter with tough love to get over whatever bug is implanted in her butt. The fact he keeps bleating about not knowing what to do would annoy the hell out of me and tbh I only see the flowers etc as a means to make you forget.
Ofcourse your heart melted, you love your husband, you WANT to make this work and believe what he tells you. He knew he lied, he knew he could take the phone away. If he didnt, why did he take the phone off of her initially?
Look no one here wants to see your relationship fail. I for one am rooting for you both, but its no good us not giving the uncensored truth as we see it, as nothing will get better otherwise.
So he still fails to
So he still fails to acknowledge that he DID, in fact LIE to you. He's making excuses for not disciplining & he's still denying that he lied. Why can he not take her computer away & allow only supervised access for homework? He could, but he won't.
The message I see you sending (& that he seems to be seeing clearly as well) is that he can disrespect you, he can allow his daughter to disrespect you, & then he can soften your hurt & anger with exxcuses & fake apologies, show up at your door with flowers & a card & be welcomed to your family dinner with open arms for fun & laughter & pick right back up where he left off.
Now he's got you committed to plans throughout the weekend...but still fails to own what he did wrong.
The blame for this cannot all fall on him if you allow him to do it. Flowers & cards don't fix problems. Especially when the issues continue to be excused.
he HAS to learn to parent.
he HAS to learn to parent. SA said good parents do not parent out of fear...can not agree with this statement more!!!
if the phone being paid for by bm makes it difficult to take it away as punishment then start making the payment yourself. taking a teenagers phone away is a REALLY effective strategy these days.
do not beat yourself up for enjoying your hubbie and showing him you enjoy him. i think this is an important element to keep alive during such a painful separation. i would seriously address the parenting problem with the counselor and work with the counselor on a step process that will help him be a better dad. this will not only be better for your marriage but also for sd. that always helps dh do what is hard when he knows it will benefit the skids too.
stick to your guns. he can do it!
Why can't he take the cell
Why can't he take the cell phone away? Because he feels too bad?
And yes, he lied. He just told you as much. "I didn't feel like I could take the cell phone away" yet he told you he took it.
Ditto.
Ditto.
Good for you to explain that
Good for you to explain that you will consider living apart until she is gone of he can't get her under control. If he can realize you are serious about that, and he really doesn't want to live like this, then maybe, just maybe he will stop being 'a guy' and start being 'a father' afterall.
Great work Daisy.