All I can say is it's really sweet how much you care about stepson

i think your therapist hit the nail on the head especially the part about control (not in a bad way) but just as humans we like to have some control over our environment and as step parents we give up a lot of control when it comes to these step kids. 
 

also you have to work harder with step son to maintain relationship with him which naturally makes you more invested emotionally. And you don't see him often so it's easier to manage parenting him vs parenting your daughter everyday

Another thing to consider is the age difference of SS and DD. Your DD is too young to maintain friendships or go to extracurricular activities. By the time she's 5 you'll have plenty of time sitting with the other parents on the sidelines waiting for the kiddos to finish Saturday morning sports. Plenty of time to chat and connect with other parents in the same boat. 

After all the frustration you and your DH have been thru just to have time with SS, its easy to see why you are emotional about his departure.  I think your therapist is insightful about the mourning.  And, you are right that your isolation is affecting your outlook.

It seems like BM is holding all the cards with the time and supervision of SS and a supportive community.  But, in reading your posts, I get a sense of an unbalanced woman.  And, I'm guessing being in a gay relationship in this political climate is thought-provoking.  You've mentioned before that GF does most of the heavy lifting with SS, that tells you something about BM's capabilities.  I guess what I'm saying is don't envy BM very much.  I fantasized about BM, too, it seemed like she had a free ride with DH still supporting her tho all 3 kids were at  our house so much. Only later was I able to understand she was just a country girl with little education and no job skills who'd had to depend on one man after another to live.  Her second marriage wasn't easy and her DH  kept her kids at a distance.

I can't remember how old SS is but time goes fast.  There will soon come a time when he has more say about connecting with you and DH, if that is what he wants.  I'm thinking about my deadbeat ex.  He didn't see the kids very much in the years right after the divorce, not because of me but because he was too busy drugging up to make the effort.  But about 5 years later, he moved in with a GF who lived about 1/2 a mile from us.  I'm sure in his mind, he thought I'd kept the kids from him and now they could visit whenever they wanted to.  It was on neighborhood streets and they had bikes.  They had nothing against him but were busy with their own lives and seldom, if ever, went.  That's just the way kids are, and your SS may not choose to connect much, either.

As your DD gets a little older, she may be in more activities that allow you to make friends with parents.  When YSS was in sports year round, I saw some of those parents more than I did my family and got close to some.

You're a good mom and SM.  Take care.

with BM is less than the life he would have with you and DH if you were the CP household.

I can tell you that from my experience and seeing how the long distance visitation CO experience impacted my bride, though she was the CP, knowing that your child, yes SS is YOUR child, has to live any time at all with a portion of their family that is of less than optimal quality character is hell for that kid's quality Parent/SParent.  The 7wks of CO'd visitation that my SS had was just light enough that we could minimize the long term impacts on him and keep his real life forward in developing him for his  adult life.  That and they refused visitation enough that there were a few periods of a year or more that they took no visitation at all.

Knowing that the child that we have chosen  and love is suffering at the hands of a toxic, PASing, manipulative, neglectful, self serving, asshat and their mate, is pure hell. Even only during limited long distance visitation exposure.

I can only immagine how difficult it is for you dealing with the pain and emotion of having the SKid you love having his life polluted nearly full time by BM and SM.

It is great that you are getting therapy for this and working through it.  

As for home officing after your move, my DW did it for over a year and it was living hell for her.  Being isolated all day every work day was hard. That was amplified by the firm she was working for being a toxic culture whether working in their office, or remotely.  Since she started with a new firm just over 90 days ago and works at least 2 days a week in teh office, she is in a whole different place professionally, personally, and emotionally.  Drop some applications locally to see what pops up.  Depending on your profession, there may be a number of local options that present themselves.  For DW it has helped her to have human interface, go to lunch, work on community participation teams, etc....  Her usual high level of professional standards, etc... as already gotten her tapped as partner track.  She is a hot property that a number of partners and offices are engaging on a number of key initiatives.

Now... I have to find a job so I can take that stress off of both of our plates.

Take care of you. That is the most important thing you can do for yourself, your DD, your marriage, and for your beloved SS.

So much love coming out of your post. Like soomeone said, your love for your SS is so evident. You only want good for him. Your therapist has given you some great ideas to process. I think if you start putting facts to each "emotional" issue, it may help. And eventually, we have to get to the place where we say, "it is what it is."

I grieved the losses with DHs youngest son for several years. His third time living with us...picked up his school records from BMs area and had the principle tell me I was wasting my time. And while he was eventually right, I gave it my all for this kid to succeed. He left our home with A's and B's, zero missed days of school, back on track for our TOPS program (state tuition assistance), healthy, braces off, medical issues taken care of with proper meds, he ate well, had a normal schedule, etc. Because of the toxic shennigans from his older sister, he went back with her and his mom for his senior year, missed 53 days of school and failed his Senior year. Again, we stepped in and coaxed him into getting his GED by promising a car. He has struggled financially since them, even being homeless at one time. 

That was almost 10 years ago...and every once in a while, I'll still "hurt" over all that mess. 

Sending you love and a virtual hug. 

Your therapist is very insightful.. and I think is very spot on with that analysis.  It's not a matter of love really.. just because you love your DD.. doesn't mean you can't miss and love your SS.. and the fact that you have little control over being able to be in his life? that must feel more consuming emotionally than the steady and easy day to day love and life with your DD.

I DO think you would do well to add some more connections outside your home environment.. with or without your DD and DH.

Maybe look into some class or lecture series.. that you might enjoy? or adult church school/reading group (if you are into religion).. that would get you out of the home.. and spark some new interests.. join a running club.. or hiking club.. gardening club.. etc.. try some things that might get you out of your shell a bit? I wouldn't just say join a gym or take a workout class.. because those are focused on the activity.. but things that tend to be more comunal in nature?

You could also look for things like swim classes for baby and mom?  or other activities that involve the parents and kids. 

And.. practice being an open person maybe too.. if you are introverted.. it may be tough to strike up with strangers.. but do exercises.. like smile and say hello to everyone you see.  Or pick a few people every day to compliment.. tell the lady at the store.. you like her blouse.. or that the lady with the kids has children that are so well behaved.. etc.. ?  Maybe your DH could help by getting you both out there a bit.. even if it means hiring a sitter if necessary?

1) You feel the intensity toward SS because people have this hard-wired emotional tendency to value things more if they have put in more effort to get them and if there is a scarcity mentality or threat of them being taken away.

2) You are burned out and exhausted. Working full-time and only having daycare 2 days per week? With a toddler?! Why don't you have either more childcare or less work? 

Its HARD doing the custody visitation, you get into a groove, and then "poof" they get yanked back into the BM-land.

Its HARD having a baby and working full time without a village of support.

Its HARD being a wife with custody visitation issues, BM issues and then your giving all your energy left over for baby.

It sounds like you have a really good therapist. For me, understanding helps to sort through and process all the emotions.

Grieving is HARD. I used to do that when Power Sulk and I would have a conflict.

Now Im working on healing and working on taking the emotional connection I THOUGHT we had and really looking at it for what it was.

Journaling here probably helps a ton.

But my opinion is that your feelings of isolation are causing you to think and feel more about SS than what you might normally. We tend to fixate on things that make us feel insecure...