Yep, I'm judging.....
So, SD stopped by yesterday to pick up a tool from DH to install something at her place (she stays with my MIL). We got on the conversation a bit about the 'group gift' that I mentioned in my previous blog. I didn't tell her my reasons, but just asked if she had enough people to get the group gift, we really wanted to do something different for them. We even discussed the things-and she was perfectly fine with it.
Then the subject got on breastfeeding. Now, keep in mind I"m not a BF nazi, but pretty close lol. I breastfed mine close to a year-didn't get quite to it because of working/pumping I had really bad supply issues. I grew up in a country where formula is absolutely unheard of, I'd say less then 2pct use formula (at least back when I grew up), now it's maybe 5pct that don't breastfeed and it's because of medical or supply issues. Anyways, when I mentioned breastfeeding before to SD she would go quiet. Then yesterday she confirmed that she wasn't planning on it- that she knew a lot of us (me, godmother) would judge her. She said her mom pushed her hard -and SD retorted to her that BM never breastfed- the reality was, she did try it for a couple weeks and gave up- hey, at least she tried, I know those first few weeks it's SO painful and bm was a young teen -I said, yes, but your mom knows better know and we also know that parents want better for their children then we did- I reminded her that she was sick a LOT as an infant- but according to her it's because BM took her out all the time (she did).
I told her to at least try it- she said BM paid a class for her to do, she said she will. I said good, after having ALL the education you need on it, then you can make an educated choice. Her reasons though? She doesn't want to remove or lose her piercings! I was shocked! We didn't know she had them (why would we)- but she's a tat/piercing gal so not surprised. She admitted it was selfish-she said also she's so young, what if I want to drink? Also said she knew her friends struggled with supply issues and she doesn't want the additional stress of wondering if she has enough and that battle (which I admit it IS stressful and emotional-it was for me)- and with her chances of PPD due to her mental health are higher-she doesn't want to add to it at all.
I asked her to please just do the class, please consider it- even a week or a month is better then nothing-I explained some things- but was left super pissed honestly. Kids having kids! I mean SELFISH as she admitted- but when you have a kid SELFISH, your own body, your own wants kind of go to the wayside and you put the baby first, their health first, etc. I have a sick feeling now that'll yep-it'll be another BM-with others taking on a part of the burden-being an accesory and just putting herself first instead of the kid.
Hey, at least the kids dad seems very solid and very UNselfish- kind of like DH was with SD - (her fiance has a lot of my dh's traits-so she did look for someone like her dad, same laid back personality, etc).
I explained not every gets PPD- I didn't get it w/my 1st- I did get it with my 2nd- however I said circumstances also are a great contributor to PPD- as when I had my 2nd my marriage was already at a horrible place and I had zero support from him- I know SD will have more support so that should allievate that part. Her and fiance read up a lot on PPD and he is ready to jump into action if he sees any symptoms. In the past when SD went through a tough place, he called us late at night becuase of how worried about her she was-so I know he'll reach out for help if need be.
So yeah, I do judge people that won't even TRY breastfeeding for stupid reasons. I can't use the money approach (how much she can save) because she's on WIC so formula will be covered ughhhh.
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Sounds like she has thought
Sounds like she has thought this through a lot and chooses not to. I'm of the "fed is best" camp, especially since formula is now very high quality.
My guess is that her mental health concerns are her biggest ones, but that's difficult to talk about with folks. Even if they weren't, kind of a dick move to be pro-women's choice but judgmental when that choice doesn't fit into your mindset. If a woman shouldn't be required to give up her body to incubate a baby, she shouldn't have to for breastfeeding, either.
Fed is best - some women
Fed is best - some women simply cannot produce (rare) or cannot produce enough (proper nutrition and supplementation is often enough to help this). That being said - formula is NO WHERE NEAR as good as breast milk and I am not sure I would call it "high quality". This is why they are trying to make "better" formula - scientists in Isreal are getting close!
I do not agree that mental heath is her biggest concern - but it is the most valid of concerns. But, why not at least try to BF and if supply issues are a problem, thus causing stress - she can easily supplement or switch, if need be. BF is actually GOOD for maternal mental health, as the hormones released during are stress reducing.
This is about piercings and drinking - OP, I am fully judging right along with you! Yes, it is "individual choice", but why not give your child the best start at life as you can - BF has LONG reaching positive effects.
There's nothing selfish about
There's nothing selfish about chosing what's best for both mom and baby. If she doesn't want to nurse that's her choose. Everyone guilting and pushing her into it will just make her resentful.
I formula fed my baby from
I formula fed my baby from day one & she's as healthy as her cousins who were breastfed. Fed is best. Also, I get that you feel strongly about this but please remember this is her baby & she doesn't need to justify her choice to anyone on this. I was nearly 40 when I had my daughter, choosing formula isn't just for 'kids having kids'.
What she really needs is people in her corner, not breathing down her neck because she wants to do things differently than they think she should. Just my 2 cents.
Kids having kids
I agree its not optimal for kids to be having kids but, lets face it, its been going on forever, including me, I was 19 when DS was born. Baby is going to grow up like all the rest of them.
I know how you feel about breast-feeding, I and my whole family felt the sane. But when SD got pregnant, she never dreamed of doing it and her 3 kids were as healthy as anyone else. Her 2 daughters made the same decision without a moment's consideration and their 3 kids are fine
I think this is another one of those situations where steplife makes us "family" with people who have quite different standards.
Look on the bright side -you and BM agree about something! Lol.
I think it's great you are
I think it's great you are all offering her advice and options, but she is going to do what's best for her and her baby. It may appear selfish or uneducated, but that's all part of the learning process in being a parent.
I would not push this at all.
I would not push this at all. It's her decision and since she can have a healthy, well adjusted baby whether she chooses breast or bottle, there's no point in trying to influence her - I see no good coming from that. I say this as one who breastfed my DD until she was a year old, but did not pump or hesitate to feed formula from time to time if I needed to. I have friends who breastfed and friends who formula fed and I see no difference in the health, happiness or bonding of the kids. There are many far more important issues to focus on here.
I agree that I won't push it
I agree that I won't push it much- I will encourage it and said I"m happy she will take the course so she can make a decision once she is fully informed/educated-and not ONLY base it on what her teen mom friends have told her, kwim? But like MANY things we dont' say to our steps-I will come here to vent and bitc* about it lol
It's a very different perspective for us that were raised or born in other places- and it's very frowned on and not 'acceptable' by society as it is here.to not bf or at least attempt- IMO one week is better than not even be willing to try for purely selfish reasons. And yes, no matter how you try and dress it up, a good 90 or more percent of those reasons boil down to selfishness or laziness or being uneducated.
The concern for ppd, when bf actually reduces the risk and helps? Not valid. There are women that are already on anti-depressants or have serious mental health conditions in which the health of mom is imperative to protect-which often means resuming meds as soon as possible after birth. I totally get that.
Anecdotal evidence is a fallacy- the 'my kid was fine, or that kid was fine' actually aren't backed by valiid scientific data -as multiple studies have shown the vast amount of benefits for health of child and mother. It is super important- I wish this country DID apply more education/pressure and encouragement to make breastfeeding the norm.
It IS super important! Keep
It IS super important! Keep beating your drum and I will do the same. The more people you reach, the better off kids will be.
I have helped 2 people "learn" to bf - it's not as easy as first as one would think! Both were SO grateful to have a mentor and were so happy they tried.
I really hope your sd really gives the class a chance and takes all the information in.
Multiple scientific studies
Multiple scientific studies shows that breastfeeding has many benefits, not that formula feeding is detrimental. There is a difference there, and many studies will also show that fed kids end up with about the same outcomes by age 3-5.
Beat the drum for better info about breastfeeding. There's nothing wrong with that. Wanting SD to have the best information isn't wrong. What IS wrong is pushing after she has made a decision and judging her on the decision she makes. If she takes this class and still decides to formula feed, you'll still see her as lazy and inconsiderate to her child.
THAT seems like an odd hot take from someone who is pro-choice. You were nonjudgmental when it came to "her body, her choice" when it was abortion, but not now when it's breastfeeding? Being from a different culture is a poor excuse for not examining your own biases here.
This is the same kind of attitude that prevents women from choosing anything that is best for their life because there is hardcore judgment if they choose against the norm (even when their choice isn't harmful). SD isn't just hearing this from you; she's hearing it from everyone. She knows you all disapprove and are shaming her (whether you see it or not) for her decisions. All that's telling her to do is hide her parenting questions/frustrations from you all.
You actually want to help SD? Research the formula that is closest to breast milk and buy her sample for when baby gets here as part of your shower gift. You might find that when you're more supportive of the journey she wants to have as a mother that she's more open to opinions you have about being a mother. Or, at the very least, you'll be encouraging the best options from the decision she makes.
Spot on, LD, incredibly well
Spot on, LD, incredibly well said.
Banana, I saw in a comment recently you said that when you know better, you do better. This is one of those things. You grew up in a culture that normalized shaming new mothers for choosing not to breastfeed. With the ever increasing awareness of emotional intelligence and the importance of mental health, I would hope you could see how shaming someone, even when you feel passionately about the subject, is morally wrong.
I'd also encourage you to examine your biases here. If it's not affecting the safety of her baby (and it’s not), then her choice should be her choice, and that should be the end of it. Mothers who breastfeed are not automatically better, more loving, or more bonded to their children than mothers who choose formula. I really don't understand women who take this choice so personally, it makes no sense to me.
"What IS wrong is pushing
"What IS wrong is pushing after she has made a decision and judging her on the decision she makes. If she takes this class and still decides to formula feed, you'll still see her as lazy and inconsiderate to her child."
Nah- people judge people all the time, as I said, I'll not shame her but I'm allowed to feel and judge the decision as I please- as long as I'm not saying it to her. It's the same with how I feel about certain parenting methods-we judge people on their parenting methods every single post here- so I"m not doing anything differently then everyone does (including those that responded). I don't think pro-choice has anything to do with breastfeeding. No comparison.
A lot of times-pressure from society DOES help the next generations make better decisions. I do not like the approach of 'oh well, whatever you want' without trying to educate, give advice, etc...just like anything else. When to start solids, or sleeping positions or a number of other things. When you know better you do better should most definitely apply to the thousands of women that are so non-chalant about providing the best nutrition you can for baby too then IMO.
As to where I grew up, it's not so much shaming but grandmothers, aunts, moms would give unlimited support to new mothers to get them through the rough first few weeks of breastfeeding, helping around the home, with meals, ensuring they had rest- nobody batted on eye to bfreeding in public- this country is a DISASTER when it comes to helping the next generation with moms- they are self absorbed and they take the 'their choice' to the point that new moms are abandoned. I think the treatment towards mothers and lack of support for them and breasteeding and the babies in this country is abysmal and an utter disgrace. If we weren't all so 'everyone to themselves' we could help guide new mothers to do better w/their kids. IMO it's almost negligence and apathy that drives the 'let every mom choose what's best for her' more then truly trying to help them. We in the US SUCK at it- and YES that includes mothers - our laws are horrible, no parental leave, support, etc. So yeah, I'm going to judge because overall we do a horrible job with new mothers. THIS is why we have so many new moms with PPD, that make crazy choices, that drown emotionally, that won't even attempt feeding, what's the point-if they hit snags they are on their own. We shouldn't take a hands off approach to let new moms sink or swim. Those or my thoughts.
You can lead a horse to water
You can lead a horse to water (or breastmilk lol), but you can't make them drink...i have found this especially true with teen/adult stepkids. You can give her the info and your opinion, but she will do what she will do. Hasn't she always? At least you are judging her on here to us instead of to her face. This site is a good outlet.
Also, interesting story - some parts of the US have different ideas than others on the subject, too. My family is from up north, but i live in the deep south. My mom breastfed and so did all my family, so I did, too. A lot of people around here thought it was strange, and i even had an in-home daycare refuse to keep my daughter. The lady said "you and your baby both seem very difficult", when i told her about the pumped milk and how she was still only taking breastmilk at 10 weeks old. They were letting the newborns gnaw on peanut butter sandwiches! I also saw that they were putting all the babies to sleep on their stomachs and the whole "back" to sleep thing was being taught to avoid SIDS, and asked that she sleep on her back. The lady thought i was nuts!
opinions.
Ultimately, its her choice. You can provide her with your experience and opinion, sure, however your words to her should be: "I will support you no matter what you decide." If you have no plans on ACTUALLY supporting her...then keep your lips zipped.