Would you say something or keep letting DH deal?
I know I have been here before.
The Aunt/SIL is in my opinion at it again. We wake up to find a box on the porch from her to older DS. Just a random gift of a series of books he is into. I am not against books. This is the 2nd time now that she has sent something to older DS and not the baby. She also knows that his grades have been slipping and we are struggling with that. DS told her that I was planning on taking him to this used bookstore we go to to buy the books himself. He was going to use his money that he earned. We have been trying to teach him the value of money by him getting money for doing things around the house and he can choose what he wants.
I am just so tired of going through this we have asked her to run things by us before she does but we get ignored. She also has made comments in front of DS about us always being negative and being hard on DS12. From my point of view, she is constantly judging us about how we choose to parent. She thinks we basically do nothing nice or positive for DS so yeah.
Anyway, DH said he would take care of it but I am wondering if I should pipe up and finally say something. Though DS12 is not my biological son and the baby is, that does not mean I love one more than the other. It also does not mean that we neglect older DS. I think she just has this image in her head that older DS is being left out and blah blah blah. It is clear she is favoring one over the other. I hoped this would not happen but it is.
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If DS were still your SS, I'd
If DS were still your SS, I'd say stay out of it. However, he is your son, and what you say/want trumps SIL. While your DH needs to handle his own family overall, you can certainly tell SIL that DS is YOUR son and YOU decide how he is raised and if she is just going to undermine you, then SHE will be excluded from his life.
"I am just so tired of going
"I am just so tired of going through this we have asked her to run things by us before she does but we get ignored. She also has made comments in front of DS about us always being negative and being hard on DS12. From my point of view, she is constantly judging us about how we choose to parent. She thinks we basically do nothing nice or positive for DS so yeah."
This is a tough one.. we know this goes way back with her to the time before you were together with your DH. She helped to raise him and was very involved in his life.. especially during a time when your DH needed that support. This is not the first time she has had a hard time pulling back and letting him and you parent.
But.. I would have to say that if someone were to undermine my parenting in front of my child.. I would be highly inclined to offer them LESS access to my child. I'm not talking about the indulgent granny style.."oh.. dad don't be so mean.. let little johnny have some candy".. I mean a pattern of telling the child that you are parenting poorly.
Look, a 12 yo and a 5 month old are worlds apart in needs... your 5 mo old is probably very dependent and needy.. but on the other hand.. the 12 yo needs guidance on where his boundaries and responsibilities lay. I think encouraging him to work for what he wants.. the books.. is a good plan. If he learns that he can just run to auntie and she will short cut it all.. it does make the lesson harder to instill.
I think that in this case.. since your DH is on the same page as you.. and it is his sister.. let him handle this. It's fine for her to give him an occasional gift... it's even fine if he is her favorite of your two children.. it's also likely your 5 yo will be YOUR favorite ... But your DH can let her know that his son is treated fairly and that it doesn't help when she speaks in front of him that she doesn't agree with his parents... and... the unsolicited gifts? you can always reserve them for rewards so that you don't gift during times when he is not behaving properly.
Thank you. He didn't even ask
Thank you. He didn't even ask his Aunt for the books. She was asking about what he was reading he told her and mentioned we were going to go get some more soon. I want DH to deal with it because I know how mean I can get when I am mad. He has tried to be nice about in the past but I am starting to think that it is time to be a little more forceful with her. I get if he is her favorite they will have a bond that her and the baby will not.
I am just not ok with her doing to stuff for him because she thinks he is being left out with the new baby. Trust me he is not. He is still pulling his antics and making sure he is getting a lot of attention. We are all going back to therapy soon to deal.
There is always the
There is always the possibility you are projecting your insecurities on her and assigning a motive to her gift that in fact doesn't exist.
Sometimes a book is just a book. He said he liked them.. she got him something of what he likes.. not because she thinks you are an old meany to SS.. but because she loves her nephew.
I mean, you could also assign a motive that she is doing these gift drops to somehow makeup for the fact that she is not as "present" in his life as she was before you came into the picture. Like it is HER guilt that she isn't there for him.. and these presents make up for that somehow.. tangible proof to him that she still cares.
I mean.. if she drops the box off and says.. "Here are some books for SS because I know you and my brother never do anything nice for him since the baby came".. well.. that's clear enough.. but otherwise.. maybe focus on the fact that she is just trying to do something nice for her nephew.
In fact.. it might get more positive response from her if your DH approaches her with the request to not be as one sided.. that she has two nephews.. and he doesn't treat them differently.. and expects that she not show favoritism to just one of the children either.
Like.. "Sis.. I so appreciate it that you do nice things for SS12... and he loves the gifts you get for him. I just want to make sure that both my boys feel loved and valued by their family... and I would hate to see YS left out by his auntie... I would love to see you develope a bond with both kids. do you undersand where I am coming from?"
I am probably projecting a
I am probably projecting a little. I know she probably got the books for all the reasons you said. I guess I am just frustrated with the fact she is not doing for YS. Hell send gift cards for diapers that would be greatly appreciated. I am also annoyed that OS said I was taking him and she went ahead and got them.
We have talked to her before but I am not sure she will see the side I am coming from where I am trying to be a parent and teach lessons and do good from OS. When she does these random nice things, I am sure she is not trying to undermine us but she does. Though DH talked to her it didn't help.
Thank you for your perspective and a rational view. It still just irks me. They talk every weekend and OS can text her some during the week. It is not like they do not stay in contact. I think she has her own issues she is dealing with. IDK. DH's family is all a little screwed up in the head if you ask me. None of them know how to really deal with the choices they make in life.
Like Tog said.. you can still
Like Tog said.. you can still exercise control over those gifts to the extent that you can allow him access to them if and only when he is behaving well. So, you don't have to hand them over on a day he is being a little crap box of a boy.. haha.
As far as buying for YS.. it may be that she sees him having "plenty".. and that OS needs a little extra since he is now sharing his parents. But, your DH can certainly encourage her to bond and give affections to the younger child as well. But.. remember YOU need to encourage it too... if you are reluctant to let her have access to the younger child for fear she will overstep with him too.. then she is not going to have that natural inclination to do for him like she does for the older child. You can be honest and have you held him a little tighter when she is around.. possibly angled so she couldn't see or spend as much time with him? I wouldn't blame you based on your history with her.. but the book gift is probably a reflection of that relationship too.
Again... the discussion should not be negative.. she is trying to do something nice... so explaining that it would be appreciated if she were a little more equitable with both her nephews.. 5mo may not notice it now.. but he could over time.. and doesn't she want to be both the boys favorite auntie? again.. phrasing it all in positive reinforcement for her.
On her last visit, I let her
On her last visit, I let her hold YS and even asked if she wanted to give him a bath and read a bedtime story to him before we put him down. I try to do my best to let her bond with YS and even make sure she sees him on video calls and what not. We can try positive and good ways to say it. Thank you!
Take the books and put them
Take the books and put them away for him to earn, or give them to Goodwill. Then she doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing she gets to you. She clearly doesn't get boundaries.
Sounds like how my MIL used
Sounds like how my MIL used to be. She was always buying SS clothes and stuff he didn't need/things that we should be providing, like he was so deprived. Well, after she brought over a third (unneeded) backpack to our house within a year and told him to hide it from us, I lost my shit. I sent it back with her and wrote a letter to explain that she could spend money on him but only on something fun they could do together(movies, dinner, etc) and any physical items that she wanted to bring over must be cleared by us. If they were not they would be thrown or given away, no exceptions. After that she started respecting our wishes and let us take care of him and she got to be what she should be - his fun grandma.
This is the pitfall you've
This is the pitfall you've been facing since Day One with your DH and adopted son, but it's HIS job to handle it and not allow his relatives to scapegoat you for HIS past mistakes.
HE chose to outsource raising his son to his parents and sister for a period of time, and it's on HIM to deal with the fallout from that. He needs to play the heavy, and maintain firm boundaries with his sister - but in all honesty, your elder son may pull away from your family unit as he ages. He has a deep bond with his aunt, and may prefer her spoiling to the more healthy, structured environment at home. This is why it's crucial that your DH position himself as the bad cop - so you won't become the family whipping boy. Because, you know, everything was just fiiine until YOU came along.
BTW, my DH also comes from a screwy family of boundary stompers. And out of all of his sisters, by far the biggest Godzilla has been the one w/o children of her own. I refer to her as The Meddler. She has interfered with all of her siblings' kids, sometimes for the better but often making it harder for the parents to effectively do their job.
Thank you, DH is definitely
Thank you, DH is definitely trying to set boundaries but he gets ignored a lot. The in-laws keep saying to send OS to visit again this summer and we are saying no because it was a huge mistake last year. It took a really really really and I mean really long time to de-program him. I think we finally started making headway this past month or so. He was really rude to me and just not the same towards me after it all. Some of it was me having a baby but it got worse after he came back from visiting. We are going to visit this year but as a whole family.
He does have a deep bond with her but the funny part of all of it is that he does not really talk about her much or even ask to call her. She is the one always making the effort. We will see what happens in the future. I see her buying his affection as he gets older. i know my in-laws have an account set up for him for college and I pretty sure they will by pass us and offer to pay for school for him. We will have not control even though that is not what we want. I have to put it in its place.
SIL makes it hard to effectively do our jobs. I have to sit down and have conversations with OS about it all and explain why we do things and how what she is doing is not something we agree with. In those moments I have to remind myself that I know she would never be able to give OS what he really needs. If she were to ever raise him she would have to change careers or higher someone to be there for OS all the time as her job and hours are not great for raising a family.
That is something I hope never comes up with his family about who would take care of our kids if anything should happen. DH and I are on the same page and will have it written up very soon. I know it won't fly with them.