I bought my nephew shoes and tons of other things. I never wanted to be his mom. I just liked spoiling him...like many aunts do for their nephews.

Her wanting to buy him shoes has nothing to do with trying to push you aside or fulfill some void in her. It is a very normal thing for an aunt to do.

While you are so busy accusing her of trying to be controlling, you are the one who comes off that way.

Look at it this way. Free shoes!!! For a kid that never stops growing!!!

She's just an aunt. My aunts used to get me stuff upon occaion. They weren't trying to take a parent role, they were simply showing they cared.

Breathe a second. It's possible she doesn't realize she's stepping on toes.

You really have a problem with an aunt buying stuff for her nephew???

Why do you feel sad for the aunt? Her actions are normal.  Your NEED to push the aunt and grandma out of the role that they occupied in the child's life isn't.

I can't imagine asking my sister or BIL for permission before buying shoes or clothes for my nieces and nephews.  I can't imagine them viewing that as me being controlling, mothering or viewing them not being able to provide for their kids.  Hell, they earn more than I do.

Our family reunion was this weekend.  While we were heading up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, my nieces (19 and 13) noticed a girl wearing a cute Super Dry sweater.  They both commented on it.  This morning I purchased one for each of them.  My sister and BIL won't give tgat purchase a second thought.

You asked when will this stop.  If your SS is lucky, it won't.

Aunts buy kids stuff because they want to. Not because they think Dad/SM can't buy the things themselves for the kid. Oh, they buy a few of thoe things Dad/SM might say 'no to  because the item/treat isn't really necessary or needed... but it is no reflection on Dad/SM. It's not a judgement on the parents.

My nephew (my niece's little four year old and my sister's only grandchild) is coming down later towars the end of the week. Aunt (me) is going to take him for lunch and to pick out a bookbag for kindergarten, a few outfits and some mix and matchers. Not that his mom can't/won't, not that if Mom couldn't Grandma would'nt , not because any reason at all except I asked if I could because I want to. 

If Aunt offers the shoes, let her buy them. Hey, it gives Dad and you an extra $50-$100 in your pocket for a fun family activity and it pleases the aunt to be able to things for the kid. 

It's not a competition and it isn't meant to offend you/Dad or your financial and parenting abilities. 

It's just because. 

What's wrong with his aunt buying him shoes? I don't get it.

You, saying that the aunt has some kind of dependency on SS to fulfill something in her own life, might be projecting.

I would love for my kid’s aunt to buy them shoes. 

Let her buy the shoes, the whatever. Let her take him overnight. Use the money for a night out for you and SO. Win for all. You and SO get the night out. Aunt gets to see kid. Kid gets spoiled by aunt (All kids should have that aunt or uncle or grandparent who somewhat spoils them. My aunt did it for me and I wish my kids had had someone to do it for them.)

You need to relax. I'm not trying to be mean but you harp on this way too much. Your energy could be better spent not trying to control the aunt and the grandparents and just go with the flow. They love your SS. They are family. This is normal.

Why are you worrying about ANY of this?

Aunt is SO's sister, and SS is his son. If he is uncomfortable with her level of involvement, HE needs to say something. If you are uncomfortable, you need to go to HIM and let HIM decide.

You can say 800 ways to Sunday that you act as a team, but the harsh reality that you need to grasp is that SS is not your son. You are not his mother. Until you have some legal status over him, your parental authority extends as far as Dad allows it to extend.

Your SO allowing you to bear the brunt of whatever perceived anxiety this causes is a disservice your SO is allowing on YOU. So stop caring. Let him handle the relationship with his family. My MIL is overbearing, and I tried hard for 2 years to make sure she saw the kids, was invited to things, etc. It caused ME stress and MIL still wasn't happy. So I handed it over to DH to deal with it as he pleases.

Even in intact families, extended family interactions, when difficult, are generally handled by the parent who is blood related. So long as Aunt isn't abusing or harming SS, you have zero reason to step in. So step out and let your SO do the dad thing - and the parent-who-is-blood-related thing - and make decisios for his son.

You are going to be in for a world of hurt if you keep trying to keep control of every little thing.

The kid can fly down alone(unaccompanied minor)to visit his grandparents.

If you do go, just book a hotel room instead of staying with someone. That way you have a place to revamp and regrouo when tensions get high.

I just don’t understand you at all. I think whatever is bothering you needs to be addressed in therapy. It’s just not healthy. 

Plenty of people are very close to their nieces and nephews, buy them stuff and want to spend time,  but it doesn’t mean they are using kids to fulfill something missing in their lives or that they play mommy or daddy. By this logic one can say that you are so possessive of SS because you are trying to fulfill something that is missing in your life. 

Your worrying about aunts emotional health maybe could be a bit projecting. You worry that she might be depressed yet you come across extremely anxious and somewhat unsettled emotionally yourself. Perhaps you could focus  on your own well being? 

I don’t think it’s anythung to do with him not being your son. Such possessiveness isn’t healthy regardless if he is your son. I am a mother but I can’t imaguine freaking out someone in the family wants to buy her shoes or is missing her 

I believe this has nothing to do with aunt but everything to do with you and you’d very much benefit from therapy

Referring to mundane things like buying shoes “parent” thing is silly. Anyone can buy shoes. If you want to be technical and insist only parents can do these mundane things, then you can’t do it either. That’s just crazy making. It’s not like walking him to the altar, it’s buying mundane things. 

If you have happy and fulfilling life, then why look for things to be upset or concerned about. Nothing that you ever mentioned sounded like anythung anyone would even think about for 5 minutes. It’s almost like you joined this site and see truly horrid situations and you want to join in with your own “horrid” story: aunt wants to see SS more than once a month or but him shoes. It happened to other posters. They come here with their normal lives but after reading all the horror, they start looking for negativity in their life to obsess about 

it could be that aunt has anxiety abd depression. It’s not uncommon. So what. But you are not her psychiatrist and it’s not your job to determine who she uses to fulfill what. You don’t know what she has in her life to feel happy. You can’t possibly know. She could be thinking  same thing about you thst you are possessive because you aren’t secure in your life. People usually are unreasonably possessive only when they feel insecure. You aren’t a gate keeper and rule maker how much aunt needs to see her nephew. Stop making something positive into negative. It’s not healthy.

just enjoy your life 

Free shoes and some alone time while the kid gets to spend time and make memories with is Aunt!!! Woo hoo win win situation all around.

. Trust my when I say MIL really did something I did not like, something I knew SO would have lost his S*** over with his mom. I simply brushed it under the rug ignored it and had to move on.

Grandparents are notorious for doing things with grandchildren that they never did with their own child. For most grandparents some rules they enforced strictly, disappear for the grandchildren. It's not unusual for the child's parent to be annoyed with what the grandparent allows.

and I can't imagine going a month without seeing my neice - I see her about once a week. I will readily admit she fills a need in my life - the need to spend time with   someone I love. I am childless by choice, but have a strong maternal instinct. I have met that need by spending time with my niece. I am a normal, well-adjusted woman. My sister loves that my niece and I are close, and appreciates the fact that I did quite a bit of child care when my niece was young.

I think it is completely unreasonable that you think the aunt should only see her nephew once a month - especially considering how much time she spent with him in the past. I know you don't think so, but it is pretty clear to me that you still see her as some kind of a threat. You are very hung up on "doing things as a family." I understand why initially that may have been a priority, as SS was separating from Grandparents and Aunt, and you and DH were forming more of a "family unit." But at this point you need to quit making such a big deal about it. The "family unit" should be strong enough for SS to spend a few hours a couple times a month or so with his aunt.

No child can be loved too much. You need to appreciate the fact that this kid has so many adults who love and care about him. That is a good thing. (And the fact that she wants to spend money on him is a bonus!)

So my kids used to see aunts uncles cousins grandmas etc once per week. For 2 years. I hated the family gathering because my former SIL kids were terrors. Literally seen her 4 yr old swing from light fixture. 

But then they moved far away 

Now my kids 16 and 12 just got back from a week visiting her and all her kids are grown. She buys them things. $65 makeup pallets, $100 LEGO sets. She also sends them obscene $$ for holidays-like $200 per kid. 

Do I care ?-no. 

Unless aunt is buying your SS heely shoes and those aren’t permitted. Or she’s buying him clothing with obsene images or language(if he was a girl I would say risqué clothing) then who cares? If she’s dying his hair, cutting his hair, taking him to shows/movies/concerts that are not age appropriate , getting him piercings, checking him out of school early, bringing him home at midnight-THEN you have a problem. 

It is 100% ok to have her spend time. So her tone of voice or body languge seems “sappy/nerdy/clingy”

aww I miss SS he’s my little buddy. I want to see him. 

My kids grandma says that about him and he’s 12. I don’t think she’s needy for saying that. 

What difference does it make if aunt raised him before or not? I never raised any kids but my own yet it doesn’t mean I don’t want to see or do things with my niece or nephews. 

This is all boiling down to insecurity. You need to really address it. You keep saying how aunt is upset or might be upset about this or that but yourself are upset constantly about mundane unimportant every day thing like aunt buying things or visiting. It’s nothing to do with reality. 

Do you worry that aunt sees him often then she’ll get SS if something happens to SO? Are you trying to limit her time for that reason? Like building the case that you are the only one raising him. You also need to stop comparing aunt to your parents. Of course they don’t need to see SS as often. They have known him for short time. Why even compare? I’d never argue that my mother feels the same for SDs whom she barely knows for few years as their aunt, my SIL who is related to them and was there since they were infants. It’s craxy comparison! SS aunt must feel the same about SS as your mother? Really why? it just doesn’t make sense 

please look deeper into roots of your feelings about aunt 

PS “she will ever be the aunt”. Of course. Does anyone say she’ll be something else? What do you really worry About

I could totally see worrying about BM showing up and causing havoc in kid’s life. I don’t even have minor skids and BM is causing terrible havoc in skids lives that by extension effects us. So that anxiety is understandable.

But you need to stop freaking out about aunt. She isn’t causing havoc and her requests to see SS or do/buy things for him are very normal and not anything to be upset about. You also need to stop worrying about her mental state. I am sure she can take care of herself and is possibly worrying about your anxieties too. So let it go